Sunday, February 24, 2013

A is for Anxiety

Since my last post life has been a little...hectic. I was hoping that the Universe would give me a bit of a break since last year was such a stress-inducing time for me but 2013 seems to be following suit.

For the past month and a half I've been busily looking for employment. I've been to a few interviews but haven't really found anything I'd want to do long term. One job I applied for sounded promising but they didn't offer health care "at this time" so I had to turn it down. As a life-long hypochondriac a good health insurance plan is indispensable when seeking a potential employer. It's scary to think that I've been without health coverage for 5 years now. Talk about playing with fire. Luckily, I've been relatively healthy up to this point...but lately I haven't been feeling too good. Since I came home from Florida I've been feeling weird. I don't know if it's just stress or if there actually is something wrong with me. Being a person who suffers from Anxiety Disorder it's often hard to tell. Anxiety can cause so many physical symptoms that it's difficult to differentiate between a "real" symptom and an anxiety related one. In case you're curious about the plethura of body symptoms that anxiety can cause, here's a short list:

-chest discomfort/tightness
-heart palpitations
-dizziness
-tingling in hands/limbs
-numbness in hands/limbs
-headaches
-diarrhea
-jaw pain
-disorientation/confusion
-hyperventilation
-nausea
-muscle tension
-body aches/pains
-trembling
-fatigue
-feelings of unreality
-depression

I've struggled with anxiety for most of my life and have experienced all of these symptoms at some point. It's not fun and overcoming this disorder is a life long battle. In the past decade I've made tremendous progress but sadly, you don't ever get cured from this condition. A lot of it is biological and runs in families but it can be intensified by one's environment. My great grandmother had it, my grandmother, my mother and then me. That's a big reason I don't want to have any children; I don't want this to be passed onto my child. Even if I was to adopt, my neurotic-ism is bound to be picked up by my child. Honestly, I wouldn't wish this disorder on anyone. Life is hard enough. 

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'll get back on topic now. So before my trip to Florida I met someone new. It wasn't an ideal situation but I've been trying to live more in the moment this year and not living too far in the future. It's been a long time since I've been in a real relationship and this person seemed really special. The last time I started a new relationship I had to go on Paxil and almost lost my damn mind so you can imagine that the thought of another relationship could cause me to freak out a little bit. On top of that, I had two interviews for a really great job opportunity. If I were to get this job I would be able to be financially independent, I'd have health coverage from day one, and I'd be able to get my own apartment. So there's a lot of pressure over this job on my shoulders right now. Both of these things on their own would be enough to cause a panic attack but together they are an unstoppable team of anxiety inducing chemicals! Oh, and I forgot to add the icing to this stress cake! After my first date with this potential suitor my mom has another SEIZURE! I had just come home from having a great time to having to call 911 and follow an ambulance to the the emergency room. Good times! Since then I've been on constant alert wondering if my mom is going to keel over. 

This past week I went to my in person interview. I had prepped for this interview like a madwoman and when I got there they didn't ask me a SINGLE question I'd prepared for! I felt like I did okay despite having to make up examples on the spot but after the interview they said it was a pleasure meeting me and thanked me for coming in. I was hoping they'd give me a time frame of when they'd make their decision but no such luck. Two days after my interview things came to a screeching halt with new romantic interest. Although I knew from the start that this relationship had no long term potential I was still majorly disappointed. It's rare for me to even entertain the possibility of letting someone new into my heart these days and then for it to fall apart so quickly... Anyway, so back to me feeling weird. I was hoping that since one of the stressors had been removed that I would start feeling better but unfortunately, the vertigo I've been feeling for the past 2 weeks has only intensified. My head feels like it's spinning and since it's a symptom I haven't encountered in my long term experience with anxiety it has me a little freaked out. It's kind of a vicious cycle, really. Your brain causes these physical symptoms in response to the stressful event you're experiencing but people who suffer from A.D. become so concerned with these physical symptoms that they completely disregard whatever the initial stressor was and focus entirely on their physical health. It's counterproductive if you ask me and I wish my brain would realize this. 

What's bothering me the most is the fact that I can't even go to a doctor to get checked out. It would ease my mind so much to be able to go to the doctor and get a physical exam. It's so crazy to live in a country where you can't even go to the doctor when you're sick unless you have insurance. It should be a basic human right to have access to health care. What if I DO have a brain tumor or something and didn't get checked out until it was too late? If that happens, America, it is your FAULT.

Hopefully, I don't have a brain tumor but as a hypochondriac, whenever I feel any kind of discomfort my mind immediately thinks it's cancer. Seriously, every time. 

Well, I'll let you know if I get this job and I'll keep you updated on my hypothetical tumor.

Take her easy!

Your neurotic friend,

Courtney
  

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Operation Vacation

On February 1, 2013 a dream twelve years in the making came true. I got to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and it was one of the best days of my life. I'll even admit that I got a little emotional at parts. My expectations were pretty high but I'm happy to say that the Wizarding World of Harry Potter exceeded all of them. Let me tell you all about the vacation to end all vacations.

It all started back in July 2012. My friend Heather was feeling pretty overwhelmed due to her new grown up job and I was feeling a little blue because I was all alone in Seattle and had no job and no friends. I thought maybe if we had something to look forward to it would help us through our current situations. When we were on the phone one night I suggested we plan a trip together and she asked me where I was thinking. I said, "OH MY GOD! We could go to Harry Potter World!" She concurred. I soon found a job and the trip became a real possibility. Since I couldn't request anytime off from Oct-Dec at my job we decided the end of January would work best. As you might know, I decided to come back to Arizona in December so it sucked having to rebook my plane ticket but you win some and you lose some (that's what people say when something sucky happens, right?) It was crazy how fast the time when by but before we knew it, January was here! At this point I'll start at Day 1 of the trip.

I'll tell you right now that I was NOT looking forward to Day 1. As a person with anxiety disorder, traveling is always pretty nerve racking. As much as I want to just enjoy myself, there's a moderate amount of anxiety ever present when I travel. In addition, I hadn't been on an airplane in 5 years and I would be flying ALONE for the first time. Since I had originally booked my ticket for Seattle to Orlando I had to book again with the same airline in order to get my credit back--that meant Heather and I would fly separately. My flight left at 7:15am so I had to be up at 4:50AM. If you know me well, you'll know I'm a night owl so just the mere thought of waking up that early was dreadful. Little did I know I would be waking up at 5am almost everyday for the next 5 days. >______<  I had a connecting flight to Atlanta because a non-stop flight was mad expensive so I arrived in Georgia around 9:40am (11:40am FL time). First flight wasn't so bad. I got to read my book (1Q84) and got an aisle seat (looooove the aisle). Connecting flight...not so good. I got a window seat this time and was watching all the people boarding the plane when I see this dude holding the cutest little Asian baby. I thought, "Oh, my goodness! What a beautiful baby!" I totally geek out whenever I see Asian children; I think they're just the cutest children ever (sorry non-asian children!) So then the dude with the bebe sits next to me and gets out his I-pad for the baby to watch "Power Rangers", which I thought was funny because I watched that show as a wee lass. However, eventually the I-pad along with all other electronic devices needed to be turned off in order to prepare for takeoff. That's when I walked into a NIGHTMARE. This baby completely lost his shit and screamed his fuggin' guts out for 40 minutes!!! I thought my head was going to EXPLODE! Everyone in the plane was in agony. Nothing could calm this child. Finally the plane took off and the flight attendant brought him some juice and he shut his yapper. Lawd, I definitely could never have a baby. I'd lose my DAMN MIND.

Anywaaaaay, I met up with Heather at MCO airport and we took the shuttle back to the hotel. There was a Carraba's within walking distance from the hotel so we had that for dinner (and for dinner every night of the trip--their pizza is AMAZING!) Mama didn't sleep well that night because the fuggin' air conditioner was loud as hell and I'm the lightest sleeper of all time. The morn came way too soon and I had to haul my corpse out of bed and try my hardest to get psyched about my first visit to Disney World. Once we got to the park I perked up and got really really really excited. You can tell I've reached maximum excitement when I start jumping and clapping like a 5 year old. The Magic Kingdom was kind of disconcerting, though. It was like a Bizarro World Disneyland. Like in Wayne's World when Garth says, "We're looking down on Wayne's basement, only that's not Wayne's basement." It was a strange feeling. They were doing some kind of construction in Fantasyland so there was this abysmal crane in almost all of our pictures of Cinderella's Castle. Such a bummer. Here's a few pic from the MK:





As for rides, Disney World can't compete with Disneyland. The only major rides they had were Space Mountain, Big Thunder Railroad and Splash Mountain (which was CLOSED). When I realized there was no Indiana Jones I was devastated. When I found out there were no Matterhorn Bobsleds, I wanted to cry! Somehow I managed to get frontsies on Space Mountain the second time we went on it and that was pretty pretty pretty good. I screamed my guts out because I was honestly worried I was going to fall out. It seems so much faster being in the front and we were seated in a line instead of two together. Big Thunder was pretty wicked too but again, I still prefer D-land's.  For lunch we ate in Tomorrowland and I had the absolute worst sandwich of my life. They only had ONE item I could eat in the whole GD park and of course it had to be disgusting. :/

All day we searched for the churrio guy and around 4pm we finally found him. However, as soon as we started eating them we got attacked by seagulls! It was SO SCARY! I'd never had birds flying into my head before. Even now I'm still pretty paranoid whenever a bird flies over my head. Totally traumatized. I didn't really buy much at the park since I knew I was likely to go crazy at Harry Potter World. All I bought were some Minnie Ears and a Daisy Duck pin to add to my collection. 

Day 2 was the BIG day. We had planned our entire trip around this day so there was a lot of excitement surrounding it. Again we woke up with the sun in order to make the shuttle. We got all decked out in our costumes, I went as Bellatrix Lestrange (gotta represent Slytherin) and Heather went as Luna Lovegood. Heather had been apprehensive to go to the park in cosplay but it turned out to work in our favor. Everyone at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter was SOOOOOO nice to us. We got treated like royalty the entire day. We didn't come across one employee who wasn't totally awesome. Everyone was so happy to be there and their personalities were true to their houses. When we walked into Hogsmeade it was like a dream. We were really there in this world that we had only seen on film and in our imaginations. It was surreal. When we approached the castle our hearts about burst.  The castle was phenomenally beautiful in the morning light; I was in complete awe of it. Inside Hogwarts castle was Harry's Forbidden Journey which is without a doubt one of the most fantastic rides ever built. Just waiting in line was a joy. We could not believe the attention to detail that went into building this world. The designers didn't miss a thing (we even peeked in the bathrooms to see if there was anything special in there too and Moaning Murtle was talking to you in there!) It blew me away. You started off in the herbology greenhouses then you walk into the castle. In the hallway you walk past the hourglasses that were filled with jewels for each house then at the end there's the gold phoenix statue that leads up to Dumbledore's office. Next we walked through a room with moving portraits all the way up to the ceiling. There were portraits of the founders of each house and they were all arguing with each other. It was really cool to see what they all looked like since they never showed them in the films. When we rounded the corner we were inside Dumbledore's office and they had put in a video of Dumbledore talking to you. It looked like he was really there speaking to you from above his desk. All of his little trinkets were all there too including the pensieve. Bloody brilliant. Next was the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and inside was Harry, Ron and Hermione. They were explaining how they were going to sneak all of us Muggles into the castle. So so cute! Again, this classroom was exactly as it is in the film so you really felt like you were there. Next was the Griffyndor Common Room that had gorgeous tapestries all over the walls, it was so cozy. The only thing I wish it had had was the fire going with Sirius's face inside it. That would've been super duper cool. Last was the Sorting Hat that gave directions on how to get onto the ride. When we got onto the ride the girl (who was a Slytherin) said, "You're Ravenclaw and Slytherin, right?" and we said yes. Then she said, "Anything's better than Griffyndor." Eek! Loved it!

This ride was mind blowing. The way they mixed video with live props was flawless. The ride begins with Hermione using flew powder to get you into the castle and we all had to yell "Observatory". Then you're flying and are greeted by Harry and Ron on their brooms. Honestly, it all felt so real! You follow them up into the air past Hagrid on the bridge who asks if anyone's seen a dragon. You turn the corner and a humongous dragon is chasing you! You fly into the castle and it scratches the walls. Then you turn another corner and an animatronic dragon's head is right in your face and breathes tons of smoke in your face. It was so awesome and unexpected that I got EMOTIONAL! The rest of the ride I'm half laughing and crying with joy! I could not believe how wonderful and realistic it was. I honestly felt like I was in this world that I'd fantasized about since I was 17 years old. I'd grown up with this story and these films. It was a total dream come true. Anyway, back to the ride! After the dragon you go through the Forbidden Forest with all the spiders everywhere. Next you go onto the quidditch pitch and there's dementors all over the field. Harry yells "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" and you follow him into the Chamber of Secrets. You get to fly past the basilisk's skeleton and the giant statue of Salazar Slytherin. When you come out you fly through the main entrance and into the Great Hall where you're greeted by all the students and Dumbledore who are all waving at you (I waved back every time).

When we got off the ride we were both like, "OH MY GOD!" then we both got really emotional again. It was great. We bought a ton of stuff in Filch's Emporium, got on the ride again, then got in line for Ollivander's. The Ollivander's show was great. They let about 20 people in at a time and the wand master chooses a child who looks about 11-12. Then that child gets to try out a few wands until a wand "chooses" them. It was so cute! The first wand the little girl tried made the books go flying off the shelves (the dude used his wand to fix them). For the second wand he asked her to point it at some flowers and say "Aguamenti" and instead of watering them, it made them wilt (again he fixed everything with this wand). When she took the third wand a spotlight came on her and the same music that played when Harry's wand chose him started playing. So cool! We then went into the shop and picked out our own wands. I chose Dumbledore's since he's my favorite character and I thought it'd be cool to own the Elder Wand. Heather decided to get "her" wand. They had wands for the month you were born in which was pretty awesome but I had my heart set on the Death Stick :p We also got Timeturners and the guy who helped ring us up was also totally awesome (and cute!) He gave me a high five for being a fellow Slytherin. I got some postcards too since they postmark them from Hogsmeade.Heather wanted to get some too (they were right next to the counter) but she walked right past them and the guy said to me, "Are you sure she's a Ravenclaw?" and whispered, "She's really Hufflepuff." and we giggled (Heather didn't think it was funny).

Next we went on the Flight of the Hippogriff which was more of a kid's rollercoaster. It was cute though, and we went on it twice. The second time Heather filmed it and you could hear me screaming "HAGRRRRRIIIIDDD!" as we went flying around the corner. We watched a few shows after that. They had the boys from Durmstrang and the girls from Beauxbatons dance. It was pretty neat. Next we went on the Dragon Challenge. This was a big kid's ride! It was NUTS! My wig almost flew off my head! There were two lines, one for the Hungarian Horntail and another for the Chinese Firebolt. They had a separate line for people who wanted to sit in the front seat so we got in that line (twice). The first time we went on it we had trouble getting off the ride and the girl who helped Heather out of her seat said, "Are you sure you're a Ravenclaw?" Ouch! (I laughed big time)

Since we had tried all the rides by this point we decided we should eat lunch (I felt so dizzy and gross from not eating all day). We went in the Three Broomsticks and got mac & cheese. Heather got a butterbeer and let me taste it. It was surprisingly pretty tasty. After lunch we went shopping in Zonko's Joke Shop and Honeyduke's Sweets Shop. Honeyduke's was so lovely! It was all pastel colors, pinks, mints and yellows. I had planned on buying a ton of candy there but quickly changed my mind when I saw the prices. Heather bought a chocolate frog and some Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans that we shared later. I was getting pretty sick of being in my costume by this point (my wig was very tight and uncomfortable) so we decided to go on the Forbidden Journey one more time in costume then we'd go back to our lockers and change. I'm glad we did because when we got into line one of the boys who worked there said, "Hello students! I don't want you to be late to your classes so when you get to the prefect inside tell them Tyler sent you and they'll help you get there on time." We were like, "Oookaaayy!" When we got to the next person we told them Tyler sent us and they let us get into the Express Pass line (it's equivalent to a fastpass but costs extra) and we went right to the common room with no line! So awesome! The next girl we met asked us for our Express Passes and we timidly said that Tyler had sent us and she said, "Go right ahead!" Awww yeah! I love love love getting to cut to the front of the line. It's the BEST!

After that ride Heather wanted to go on the Mummy Ride so I stayed behind and changed clothes. I still felt pretty whoozy from doing too much for the past few days and decided I should eat something again so I wandered over to Comic Stripland and got some fries. I really really needed a nap by that point but there wasn't any place to lie down. When Heather got back we went back to Hogsmeade and rode the Forbidden Journey ride one last time and got some Pumpkin Juice. Our shuttle was supposed to pick us up at 6:55pm and we still needed to go pick up all our shopping bags they'd held for us at the Trading Post. The dude took forever to find all of Heather's bags so we had to run about a mile back to the parking lot all while holding 10,000 bags. I was completely out of breath by the time we reached the shuttle stop and the moment we got there it was DRIVING AWAY! So we had to get a taxi back. Totally uncool. When we got back to the hotel my knee was totally fucked up. I have bad knees and am not supposed to run so my knee got all swollen and hurt like a mutha. Anyway, here's some pics from our day at Hogwarts:





The next morning my knee hurt WAY worse than the night before and I limped all over Animal Kingdom and Epcot. It seriously sucked. I took Ibuprofen but it didn't help at all. I honestly felt like crying all day, that's how much pain I was in. It was unfortunate that I hurt my knee the day we were supposed to do the most walking. I was also completely exhausted and pretty dehydrated too so I felt like shit the entire day. I worried I was going to pass out the all day, that's how bad I felt. Animal Kingdom was kind of boring but still very pretty. We got to see all kinds of animals including some beautiful tigers, one of which stared at me for several minutes. It's not everyday you get to have a staring contest with a Bengal Tiger! Pretty sweet! One ride that was superior to Disneyland's was this Everest Expedition ride in Animal Kingdom. It was really something. You go up this massive incline up the mountain then you go zooming down the track until you're stopped because the yeti has torn up the tracks. That's when the train goes flying backwards at what felt like 90mph. It was so cool! Totally was not expecting that! By the time we got to Epcot we were both like the walking dead. I was so hungry I felt sick. When we got our food they fucked up Heather's order and she was one unhappy pappy. On top of that there weren't any free tables so we had to eat on the floor. Even after eating I felt really queasy and ill so there was a lot of complaining going on. My favorite countries there were Japan, Germany, China and the UK. Too bad I felt so crummy and couldn't walk because we easily could've spent all day at Epcot. There was a store in Japan called Mitsukoshi that I went completely ape shit over. Everything in this store was ME. Mario stuff, Zelda stuff, Hello Kitty stuff, Pokemon stuff, Ouran High School Host Club stuff, Fullmetal Alchemist stuff, Sailormoon Stuff AND STUDIO GHIBLI! My knee pain temporarily dissipated and I started jumping up and down again. I wanted everything but it was all really expensive. Heather bought me a Jiji plushie to shut me up (I love it so much!) and I got some stickers and a postcard of Kiki on her broom ^___^ The shuttle was scheduled to pick us up at 6pm and I barely hobbled my way back. It's totally lame how people stare at you when you have a limp. I'll have to make sure to never do that in the future. Here's some pics from Animal Kingdom and Epcot Center:




When we got back to the hotel we packed up our suitcases and went to bed. When I woke up I was alone. My Super Shuttle driver picked me up earlier than expected so I had to wait 2 hours at the airport. I had a layover in Atlanta again and had to wait another two hours before leaving for Phoenix. It was a long long long day. I think I spent 9 hours traveling that day and only ate 1 protein bar, a cookie, 2 bags of peanuts and 5 cups of cran-apple juice. To be honest I still feel like hell. It takes me a few days to recuperate after a big vacation. I'm still waking up at 6-7am :(

In conclusion, although the last day was crappy, overall the trip was a great success. I'd highly recommend you take a trip to Harry Potter World if you have the chance. It was a truly magical experience!