Sunday, March 23, 2014

Two Weeks

As of today, we have hit our two week mark. In exactly  a fortnight (Glob, I love that word) I will be making my first journey across the Atlantic Ocean. It's so dreamy! I think that this trip is going to change my life forever. Not everyone gets to experience a trip like this in their lifetime (my parents have never been anywhere out of North America) and I feel very fortunate. Being from a culture that's only a few centuries old, I'm very excited to get to see places that are so rich with history. It's going to be amazing walking down streets that have been walked upon by people for hundreds of years. It's very romantic to think about.

However, while I'm very excited about all of the amazing things I'm going to get to see and experience I'm also trying very hard to keep my anxiety in check. Sometimes there's a fine line between anxiety and excitement and it can be hard to differentiate the two. But I must give myself props for handling all of this so well. The fact that I'm even going on a trip of this magnitude is HUGE progress for me. Ten years ago (even 5 years ago) I wouldn't have been able to go on this trip. My anxiety disorder kept me on a tight leash and I had so many limitations. In fact, ten years ago I was pretty much housebound, believe it or not. I had so many phobias that my life became pretty isolated and small. I couldn't work and I could barely handle going to school. But with the support and love of many people in my life I began to face all of the things I was afraid of. It's weird thinking about the person I was back then since the person I am today is so different. For many years I had an eating with people phobia and for 5 years I didn't eat out with anyone. I ate all my meals at home because my anxiety was so intense at the time that I was nauseous practically around the clock. Since I felt queasy so often I worried constantly that I was going to throw up (and Glob forbid, throw up in front of PEOPLE). And now I love eating out with friends. It's one of my favorite things to do. But back then I cared so much about what others thought about me that I let it consume me. I would avoid any situations that could result in potential embarrassment. Living this kind of life led to very low self esteem and as you can imagine, very few friends. My future seemed so bleak in those days and I had pretty much renounced any hope of getting over my anxiety. Pretty bummer times, yo.

But as you know, things did get better! During this past decade I learned a lot about Anxiety Disorder and educated myself on it thoroughly. One of the most valuable things I learned about this disorder was that MILLIONS OF PEOPLE have it. It wasn't just me. I wasn't just "crazy" like I believed I was for many years. I was just a negative thinker, a worrier, and very sensitive. Just knowing that I wasn't alone was super beneficial to me. However, once I learned that most of my problems came from how I speak to myself internally, I realized I had the power to heal myself. I heard a quote somewhere in my research, "I am the lock but I am also the key". It's taken years but I've realized how to spot negative thinking patterns and how to stop them and replace them with a positive thought. Through this whole process I've become a very positive person and it's funny how now everyone comes to me when they're feeling down and need cheering up. But the most important thing I learned about phobias is that you HAVE to face them. If you don't you give them power and that power can quickly take over your life (and peace of mind). It's very scary but you have to force yourself to do the things that frighten you. It's best to take things slowly and do baby steps but by doing the things that you're afraid of you'll realize that you're not going to die and it's not the end of the world. You have to give yourself praise for any steps in the right direction. We all need to learn how to be our own best friend and love ourselves unconditionally.

When I was about 25 years old I made a decision (one of the best decisions I've ever made) and it was to stop being who I thought other people wanted me to be and to just be myself; to 100% embrace who I am and love that person completely. I've always been different and kind of "weird" and for most of my life I suppressed those parts of myself and was very unhappy as a result. But once I started being myself and not caring if people liked me or not, something funny happened. People liked me! Everyone at university wanted to be my friend; I was my professor's favorite student. I finally set the real me free and I have no regrets.

I still have my bad days though, I'm only human. I've accomplished so much with my battle against anxiety disorder but I'll never be "cured" or anything. I just learned how to deal with anxious feeling when they arise. But I've never travelled for this long without my family or in another country so some amount of anxiety is bound to happen. I'm going to try not to think about that though. I'm trying reallllly hard just to focus on all of the fun we're going to have. I know this trip won't be perfect and there will be bumps on the road but we're going to leave with so many memories. I simply cannot wait!

Wish my luck! And thank you for reading this little blog and sharing these experiences with me.

Xoxo,
Courtney

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

25 Days and Counting

The count down timer to Europe is now at 25 days and I'm kind of FREAKING OUT! How did the time go by so fast? Now that we're getting so close to departure I'm feeling like I'm forgetting to do something. But what? I guess I do have to go to my bank and tell them what countries I'm visiting and what dates I'll be there. I finally picked out all of my clothes so that's done. I dunno, maybe I'm just have a Home Alone moment where I think I've forgotten to do something.

Oh, one thing I've decided to do is have a get together with my friends when I return. Originally, I was just going to do this trip and then be done with my birthday but my friends want to do something with me to celebrate since they won't be with me on my actual birthday. I think I'd like to go dancing. The last time I went dancing was kind of a let down. We went to that Art Gala thing at Crescent Ballroom and it turned out to be about 75% older people (like I'm talking seniors). Also, nobody was really dancing so we felt weird being the only ones dancing. Eventually all of the drunk people got on the dance floor but they still had all of the lights on and it just was...weird. So I think we'll go to The Duce next time. I'm still a bit too young to be dancing with the old folks. Plus I'd like to see the babes on (near?) my birthday (or any day).

Btw, Monday was a really great day. My bestie, Ashley called me up out of the blue and told me she wasn't doing anything that day. Coincidently, I didn't have any plans either so I asked her to COME ON DOWN! First we got lunch at my new favorite restaurant, The Tea Lite Café and it was crazy delicious. Then we went to Target and I picked out all of my travel toiletries I'd need. Apparently, toiletries can add up really really fast because I walked out of Target with $70 less than when I walked in. But I did buy a new hairdryer and they're not exactly cheap. Anyway, later that afternoon we hiked up North Mountain. I've been a couple times now and it seems to get easier every time. I was worried that Ashley was going to die since she hadn't exercised in a long time but luckily, we both made it to the top in once piece. I always feel like a million bucks after I climb to the top of a mountain (and the positive feelings last a few days too). After our hike we went to Trader Joe's to get dessert as a reward for our effort but wound up getting pizza at Whole Foods instead (a solid choice). We ended the day with crafting and "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Twas a very fine day :)

Pretty soon it's going to be a hundred billion degrees outside so I'd like to do as much outdoorsy activities as I can while the weather is nice. I'd like to tube the Salt River again this summer so that's something we can still do when it's hot as ballz.

Btw, I colored my hair today just so it'd be a little darker for my vacation and YOU CAN'T TELL I DID ANYTHING!!!! It's maybe one shade darker, if that. I might as well have flushed my $7 bucks down the toilet :/

Okies, I better get ready to go home. I'm can't wait to go home and finish "A Storm of Swords"!! I haven't been able to put it down for 2 days!!

Good night, my little flowers! :3