Since my last post life has been a little...hectic. I was hoping that the Universe would give me a bit of a break since last year was such a stress-inducing time for me but 2013 seems to be following suit.
For the past month and a half I've been busily looking for employment. I've been to a few interviews but haven't really found anything I'd want to do long term. One job I applied for sounded promising but they didn't offer health care "at this time" so I had to turn it down. As a life-long hypochondriac a good health insurance plan is indispensable when seeking a potential employer. It's scary to think that I've been without health coverage for 5 years now. Talk about playing with fire. Luckily, I've been relatively healthy up to this point...but lately I haven't been feeling too good. Since I came home from Florida I've been feeling weird. I don't know if it's just stress or if there actually is something wrong with me. Being a person who suffers from Anxiety Disorder it's often hard to tell. Anxiety can cause so many physical symptoms that it's difficult to differentiate between a "real" symptom and an anxiety related one. In case you're curious about the plethura of body symptoms that anxiety can cause, here's a short list:
-chest discomfort/tightness
-heart palpitations
-dizziness
-tingling in hands/limbs
-numbness in hands/limbs
-headaches
-diarrhea
-jaw pain
-disorientation/confusion
-hyperventilation
-nausea
-muscle tension
-body aches/pains
-trembling
-fatigue
-feelings of unreality
-depression
I've struggled with anxiety for most of my life and have experienced all of these symptoms at some point. It's not fun and overcoming this disorder is a life long battle. In the past decade I've made tremendous progress but sadly, you don't ever get cured from this condition. A lot of it is biological and runs in families but it can be intensified by one's environment. My great grandmother had it, my grandmother, my mother and then me. That's a big reason I don't want to have any children; I don't want this to be passed onto my child. Even if I was to adopt, my neurotic-ism is bound to be picked up by my child. Honestly, I wouldn't wish this disorder on anyone. Life is hard enough.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I'll get back on topic now. So before my trip to Florida I met someone new. It wasn't an ideal situation but I've been trying to live more in the moment this year and not living too far in the future. It's been a long time since I've been in a real relationship and this person seemed really special. The last time I started a new relationship I had to go on Paxil and almost lost my damn mind so you can imagine that the thought of another relationship could cause me to freak out a little bit. On top of that, I had two interviews for a really great job opportunity. If I were to get this job I would be able to be financially independent, I'd have health coverage from day one, and I'd be able to get my own apartment. So there's a lot of pressure over this job on my shoulders right now. Both of these things on their own would be enough to cause a panic attack but together they are an unstoppable team of anxiety inducing chemicals! Oh, and I forgot to add the icing to this stress cake! After my first date with this potential suitor my mom has another SEIZURE! I had just come home from having a great time to having to call 911 and follow an ambulance to the the emergency room. Good times! Since then I've been on constant alert wondering if my mom is going to keel over.
This past week I went to my in person interview. I had prepped for this interview like a madwoman and when I got there they didn't ask me a SINGLE question I'd prepared for! I felt like I did okay despite having to make up examples on the spot but after the interview they said it was a pleasure meeting me and thanked me for coming in. I was hoping they'd give me a time frame of when they'd make their decision but no such luck. Two days after my interview things came to a screeching halt with new romantic interest. Although I knew from the start that this relationship had no long term potential I was still majorly disappointed. It's rare for me to even entertain the possibility of letting someone new into my heart these days and then for it to fall apart so quickly... Anyway, so back to me feeling weird. I was hoping that since one of the stressors had been removed that I would start feeling better but unfortunately, the vertigo I've been feeling for the past 2 weeks has only intensified. My head feels like it's spinning and since it's a symptom I haven't encountered in my long term experience with anxiety it has me a little freaked out. It's kind of a vicious cycle, really. Your brain causes these physical symptoms in response to the stressful event you're experiencing but people who suffer from A.D. become so concerned with these physical symptoms that they completely disregard whatever the initial stressor was and focus entirely on their physical health. It's counterproductive if you ask me and I wish my brain would realize this.
What's bothering me the most is the fact that I can't even go to a doctor to get checked out. It would ease my mind so much to be able to go to the doctor and get a physical exam. It's so crazy to live in a country where you can't even go to the doctor when you're sick unless you have insurance. It should be a basic human right to have access to health care. What if I DO have a brain tumor or something and didn't get checked out until it was too late? If that happens, America, it is your FAULT.
Hopefully, I don't have a brain tumor but as a hypochondriac, whenever I feel any kind of discomfort my mind immediately thinks it's cancer. Seriously, every time.
Well, I'll let you know if I get this job and I'll keep you updated on my hypothetical tumor.
Take her easy!
Your neurotic friend,
Courtney
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