The Return of the Blogger (Again)

So...it has been forever and a day since my last blog post and as you can imagine, a lot has changed.

In the past few months I have journeyed to Japan and back again, had several meltdowns, quit my soul-crushing job and have decided to take a risk and move to southern California. It's pretty amazing how much your life can change in just a few short months. If you remember my last post from September you'll know that my job was causing me a lot of mental (and physical distress). At the beginning of 2016 I was feeling pretty burnt out in my position as a concierge at a high-end retirement home and was ready to look for a new job. However, being a naturally lazy person who also tends to avoid change, I wasn't looking very hard. My employer was 10 minutes away from my house, I had a relatively easy job and everyone seemed to like me. But I was bored. And people with anxiety don't do well with boredom. We will fill that time with thoughts of dread and regret. It's not pretty. However, as I was contemplating leaving my job an opening in a different department opened up. I wasn't necessarily jazzed about this new job but it would be change of pace and I might learn some new skills. If I'd only known then what a mess I was getting myself into.

On my first day in my new position I had a panic attack and knew I'd made a huge mistake. This job wasn't what I'd signed up for and I felt I'd been deceived. Over the course of a few months they completely changed my job description (to save money of course) and I was told that I could either adapt to these changes or I could leave. Around this time I had already bought my plane ticket to Japan and with my anxiety, I can only really handle one big thing at a time so I decided I would tough it out with this job and after my trip I would start looking for a new job and preferably one in California. 

This might not have been the best decision because the proceeding 10 months were some of the most miserable months of my life. Everyday I'd wake up and dread the day ahead of me. Almost everyday was a bad one. And it's so emotionally exhausting having to "be on" 8 hours a day and have to pretend to be happy and cheerful when internally you're screaming. As the months went on my anxiety worsened, my stomach aches returned (which caused me to lose all the weight I was so happy to put on the year before), and my depression intensified. I hadn't been this depressed and anxious in almost 10 years. All of the progress I had made with my mental health seemed to slip right through my fingers. 

This is probably where I should tell you what this job was so you can understand why it was affecting me the way it did. Originally, I signed up for a job in the activities department at the senior home I worked at. I was told that I would be planning fun events and outings for the old folks as well as some administrative work like making flyers and such. This department was also responsible for helping the seniors with technology questions but that was supposedly only a small portion of the job. I was hired for the independent living side with all of the residents that I'd known for years but after I'd already accepted the job I was told I was going to be spending some of my time at the assisted living side too. Some time turned into half of my day everyday. 

I'm a very sensitive person and also a hypochondriac so this was not good news for me. The job at the assisted living side was night and day to the one at the independent side. For 4 hours a day I had to work in a hospital with sick people, many of which had very advanced dementia and it completely broke my heart. I felt like Siddhartha seeing a dying person for the first time. This was all totally new for me and hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't just being in this kind of environment that got to me, it was the fact that I had to entertain a room full of people everyday! For several hours a day, I was the entertainment. As a person with social anxiety disorder, this was a NIGHTMARE. This was a sink or swim situation and I was drowning. I would feel sick to my stomach the moment I woke up in the morning because I knew I had to get up and teach the exercise class or the art class (I never ever wanted to be a teacher). On top of that, I became responsible for having to interview the incoming patients so I had to go into their rooms and every time I worried I was going to catch whatever illness the person had. By the time I would get back to my office at the independent side I would be so drained but I'd have notes, emails and voicemails waiting to be answered. 

I told my boss I was feeling overwhelmed and unhappy in this position and he told me that if I ever needed help, to just ask for it, that we were all a team. A family. This I would soon find not to be true. About one month ago I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life and had to go home sick. It was a major wake up call that I couldn't go on like this much longer. If I continued on this path, I was going to end up in the hospital. A few days after my panic attack I was feeling extremely fragile mentally but tried to act "normal" at work. Someone was having trouble with their computer but it was a Mac and my knowledge of Macs is very limited since I've always been a PC user so I asked my boss if he could help this person. My boss decided this was too much and started spewing all of these cliche buzzwords at me telling me I needed to "step up to the plate" and stop asking for help all the time (I only ask for help when I have no other options). For 30 minutes I pretty much got told I wasn't working hard enough and that I either "step up my game" or transfer to another department. 

After all the misery I'd endured for nearly a year I was being told I wasn't working hard enough! I knew this job was a horrible fit from Day 1 but I tried my best to make it work. For the millionth time I came home in tears and my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him how my boss didn't respect me and told me I needed to work harder. It was then that my dad said something I did not expect. He said, "You have to quit. Tomorrow." I was stunned to hear this coming from the man who had always drilled into me that you never leave a job without another one lined up. He said I couldn't work for this man anymore now that I knew how he really felt about me, and especially when this job A.) hardly paid anything B.) was making me ill. He said life was too short to be so miserable and this was the Universe's way of telling me it was time to leave.

The next day I plucked up my courage and handed in my resignation. And get THIS! The whole time this guy could not hide his elation! He smiled and laughed through the whole thing! It was ludicrous! I don't think I've ever had a boss react so unprofessionally to me resigning from a job. 

As you an imagine, word spread like wildfire that I had quit. For the next few days the seniors stopped me and told me how much I'd meant to them and how my smile always brightened their day. A big part of me had felt like I'd wasted the past 3 1/2 years of my life at this community and that all of my efforts were in vain but the seniors changed my mind. I was important. I did matter. I had made a difference in people's lives at the end of their lives. Everyone wished me well and told me that I was going to succeed in whatever direction I chose to go in. 

So now here I am, 2 weeks later. In about 2 months or so I will be packing my life up once again and moving to California. To be perfectly honest, I'm pretty terrified going out into the unknown again but for some reason this time it feels different. I feel like this time everything is going to be okay. My original plan was to find a job before moving but I've changed my mind and decided to just pack up and leave. It would be too stressful to have to drive back and forth to LA for interviews (if I even got any since most employers don't even look at your resume if they see you're out of state) and have to stay at a motel alone. And this time is different than the other times I've moved because this time I have a lot more saved up so I don't have to feel so desperate to find a job as soon as I get there. I can afford to be picky this time. And this time I'm moving somewhere that I already have friends at, friends who have told me they can't wait for me to get there. 

I hope the Universe has a plan for me and that things will work out this time. I know the next few months will be hard but I'm stronger now and I know myself better than I did 4 years ago. I'm going to try to stop doubting myself so much and have more confidence in myself and my abilities. 

Thank you for reading this and for believing in me. The support of my family and friends has meant so much to me during these troubled times.

In my next post, I'm going to finally write about my trip to Japan before I start to forget everything! See you next time! 

August 2016

I hate writing super negative posts but things have been pretty crummy for me lately and I'm hoping that writing about it might help a bit. I'm not sure why but the Universe has been kicking my butt this summer. My anxiety and depression have been pretty bad the past couple weeks (months) due to all the stress. The main stressor is that I've been having a lot of family drama. About a month ago my mom decided she was going to make my life a living hell and has been horrible to me everyday since. Her mood has been so hostile and she's constantly fighting with me or my dad. It's gotten to the point where I dread going home after work because there's so much tension in my house. I feel like I'm imprisoned in my own home. My dad said I should start looking for new place to live (I had been my mom's caregiver until last year when my dad retired and have been saving up money for the past year) but now I'm not sure which direction I want to go in. My original plan was to move to Scottsdale and buy a small condo but now I don't think I even want to stay in Arizona. I've regretted moving back here for the past 4 years. I don't really feel like anything good has happened since I came back. The only significant thing that's happened is that I've been able to travel and get some stamps in my passport but other than that I've been pretty bored.

I just feel like everyone around me has had their lives change so much in the past 4-5 years while mine has kind of been frozen in time. My friends have gotten married, had babies, bought houses, gotten real grown up jobs, etc but my life hasn't really changed at all. I really haven't had any significant life events and that bothers me. So I think I might've overstayed my welcome here in AZ. I just don't feel like I belong here. But the hard part is figuring out where I do belong and where I could thrive. 

To be honest, I've always wanted to live in California. Yes, I know it's expensive and the traffic is crazy. But I've wanted to live there since I was a little girl. I think just being near Disneyland and the ocean would really improve my quality of life. So after I get back from Japan I'm going to start looking for jobs in California and see if maybe I can get something going over there. I don't want to move without a job lined up again. I've done that twice and both times it was a bad experience. Having to pay rent every month when you have no income coming in is the worst. I usually get so stressed out that I end up taking whatever job I can get and then once you're in that job it's hard to get out and go to interviews without them knowing something is up. Plus, I'll need a job established before anyone will rent an apartment to me. My brother tried moving to LA last year with a couple of his friends and since they didn't have jobs there no one would sign a lease with them. So yeah, I've learned from my past mistakes and hopefully, things will work out better this time.

Another contributor to my lousy disposition lately has been my day job. My job duties have turned out to be completely different than the job I was hired for. I've become one of the million of Americans who hate their jobs and I totally get the whole "I hate Mondays" thing now. But I also think that everything happens for a reason so I guess this is another sign from the Universe that I'm supposed to move on to something else. If everything was perfect here, if I liked my job, had found a partner, and was generally content with my life in AZ I wouldn't be motivated to move. But none of those things have happened so that's a good indicator that I might be better off somewhere else. One thing I do know is that if I move out of state, I'm not going to return to Arizona again and I'm certainly not going to move back in with my family again. Like, ever. 

So yeah, I have a lot of things to think about and important life changes to ponder over the next few months. But maybe that means that 2017 will be better. Maybe that's the year that things will start to turn around. 

To end this post on a more positive note, only 4 more weeks until my trip to Japan. To be honest, that's the only thing I've been looking forward to this summer. I can't wait to see my precious Twinkie-Chan's face again. 

It's going to be pretty pretty pretty good. 

Hot Child in the City

July 2016

Dang, I really suck at this whole blogging thing. As you can imagine, lots of things have happened since my last post. First, I am officially a girl of 32 summers. It's surreal being two years into my 30s...especially since I don't feel 32 and I certainly don't look 32 #blessed. I don't know, I always imagined being a full-blown "adult" by this age but in my heart I still feel 16 if you want to know the truth. I still play video games regularly (but not as often as I'd like),  I have plushies scattered all over my bed, I am madly in love with cartoons and anime, I wear peter pan collars and maryjanes and I still have to cover my eyes when watching scary movies. I guess I'm young at heart or whatever the old people say.

Second, I have managed to not quit/get fired from my "new" job. Two days ago I had my 90 day review (about 30 days late, haha). My boss said that I'm doing a stellar job and that he didn't even have any suggestions for areas I could improve in. I personally would like to get more comfortable setting up AV equipment and helping out at the assisted living building since I have to cover over there pretty often but that's really about it. I don't know how long I'll stay here but I expect to stay at least until the end of the year. I still find it so strange to be so appreciated and well-liked in this job. The residents all know me by name and compliment me daily, even for the smallest tasks. 

Third, Stephanie and I have made progress in our vacation planning. Last month we booked our plane tickets to Japan and last week I booked our Airbnb apartment in Kyoto. This week we're going to book our Tokyo apartment and our Studio Ghibli Museum tour. After that all we really have left to do is buy our Japan Rail Passes and we'll be golden. As of today it's only 87 more days until we depart. I'm verrrrry excited but I will admit that I'm also super nervous. Although I love travelling and seeing the world, I always have a bit of anxiety going somewhere new. My main anxiety symptom is tummy issues and they're never fun to have on vacation. I'm hoping that once I get there that I'll be so excited that I won't focus too much on worrying and things that could possibly go wrong. Also, I'll be travelling with one of my favorite people and someone who loves me. The last international trip I went on turned out to be a disaster and that person turned out not to care about me as much as they claimed to. But I don't think that will happen with Stephanie (if it does I will cry for 1,000 years). 

To be honest, I still can't really believe this is happening. I've been dreaming about visiting Japan since I was 12 years old and now I'm actually going. Annnnnd I'm going with someone who I've admired and looked up to for so so long. It's proof that dreams can come true. And even though I still struggle with anxiety and most likely will for the rest of my life, I'm so proud of myself for having the courage to do the things I want to do despite my anxiety. I've found that the only way to conquer your fears is to face them, feel the fear and then know that you can get through it. 

And speaking of facing your fears...I recently went on a date with someone new AND I'm seeing him again this weekend. For someone with social anxiety disorder, dating is one of, if not THE hardest things to do. Just putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable is so scary! After the first date I got so worked up and had so much adrenaline in my body that by the time I got home I was a HOT MESS. My stomach hurt like crazy, my mind was racing and I could not sleep to save my life. The next day I had pretty much talked myself out of dating for the next 50 years but then I sought counsel from my girlfriends and they were so helpful and supportive. They reminded me how I need to just practice dating and that over time it'll get easier and easier just like anything else. I need to remind myself that it's just hanging out and I don't have to marry the person. I'm just getting to know someone and it's not a huge deal. *takes a deep breath*

So yeah, things have been crazy and busy in the past few months but generally have been pretty good. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your day! 

Xoxo,
Courtney 

The Birthday Approaches

denim dame 

So this is my last week of being 31 years old. Usually I'm super stoked whenever my birthday comes around but this year I'm kind of feeling just ambivalent about it. I've been pretty bummertown on and off for the past couple weeks so maybe that has something to do with it. A lot of stuff has been going on since my last post so I should probably get you caught up on everything. 

Three weeks ago I started my new job at work. I've been a concierge at a retirement home for 2 1/2 years and during that time frame I grew kind of complacent in that position. I learned everything I possibly could and felt ready for a change so when a job opportunity became available in the activities department I applied for a transfer. I'm not gonna lie, the past few weeks were pretty rough and I was really regretting leaving a job that I was good at and comfortable in. My anxiety the first couple days was off the charts (people with anxiety tend to avoid change like the plague) but it's almost been a month and I'm slowly becoming more confident in my new role. All of the seniors have been really supportive and keep telling me that I'm doing a great job and that I'm such a fast learner but since I have a perfectionist personality I've been beating myself up a bit and feeling incompetent. My new boss even told me that I'm doing great but I still have a low level of anxiety every time someone comes in the office or my phone rings. My official title is activities coordinator but we do a bit of everything in this department. I make flyers, schedule meetings and presentations, plan outings/events, set up rooms for lectures and concerts, pick out movies for our movie theaters and help with any technology issues the residents might have. The IT questions are the hardest part of this job tbh and I have small panic attack every time someone calls me with a computer question. I always thought of myself as being pretty proficient with computers but most people have a Mac and I don't really know diddly about Apple Products, minus my Ipad. But I heard that there's an opening for a part time IT position so that'll be a huge relief once that person starts.

work style Courtney 

The same week that I started my new job I went on my first date in many moons. I don't really date anymore since dating is pretty much my biggest phobia but this guy seemed really nice and I figured I needed some dating practice. I first started talking to this guy back in December right after I had my wisdom teeth taken out but he was super eager to hang out even though I told him I was recovering from surgery so I kind of just stopped talking to him since I wasn't really in any state to being going on dates. However, after my SF trip I was feeling pretty good and thought maybe I had been too quick to write this guy off so I texted him and asked him if he was still interested in hanging out (he was). We wound up meeting the day before I started my new job, which turned out to be the worst idea ever since I can't really handle two huge stressors at once. I met him at a coffee shop and the moment I saw him I already knew I wasn't feeling it, on top of that the dude didn't even offer to pay for my $3 coffee when I'd driven a half an hour to meet him (gimme a break). A weird thing about my social anxiety is that sometimes it causes me to talk excessively since I can't stand awkward silences so this date lasted longer than I had intended it to. He enjoyed my stories a lot and was a nice dude but again, I just didn't really feel any romantic chemistry with him. He looked so much like my former roommate too who was kind of a dickhead to me so that didn't help him at all, haha. After the date I started getting bombarded with text messages and that was the final nail in the coffin. I tried telling him that I had social anxiety and was introverted but that didn't really sink in. Most girls would probably love to get texted everyday but unfortunately I'm not one of those women and within a couple days with the combination of this new job and a my phone buzzing all the time, I just couldn't take it and had to tell him I didn't want to hang out again. Luckily, he didn't make a huge deal about it like some of the men I've gone out with so that's a good thing. Some guys get really offended and send nasty replies but this one didn't say anything at all. 

Idk, I feel like when I meet someone who's right for me that I'll just know and I won't have to force anything. I'll feel a thrill when they text me and I'll be excited to see them again. My mother loves telling me that I don't give these guys enough of a chance but I can't fake my emotions and life is too short to spend hanging out with someone you're not really interested in. Sigh...I guess all I can do is keep living my life and hope that eventually the right person will come along. For the most part, I don't really get lonely. I have lots of friends and also lots of hobbies so I don't find myself with tons of free time these days to reflect on the fact that I haven't found my partner. But I'm confident that when and if I do find my mate that they'll be totally worth the wait.

Welp, that's it for now. The next time you hear from me I'll be frikkin' 32 years old! Aye carumba!

San Francisco 2016

This past weekend I got to visit some of my favorite people in the universe in San Francisco and had a marvelous time. It rained pretty much all weekend but we still managed to have tons of fun. Let me tell you about it.

I arrived late Thursday night so Friday Stephanie and I went to Pier 39 so we could see the sea lions. As soon as we got out of the car it started to rain but we had umbrellas (I bought a cute new pink Totoro umbrella for the trip) so it wasn't that bad. The sea lions were super cute and one even swam right up to us to check us out. They were all so lazy and sleepy, it was adorable. They looked like giant melted Milk Duds. Next we walked all around the pier and got soft pretzels to eat while we looked at all the funny little shops. We were okay until it got windy and the rain started blowing right into our faces. At that point we decided to call it a day and got Chipotle back in Stephanie's neighborhood. After lunch I was pretty sleepy so I took a little cat nap in "baby jail". They had put a baby gate in the downstairs room that I was staying in to keep the dogs from jumping on me and all of my stuff so it got christened Baby Jail, haha. For dinner we got thai food from a place around the corner and it was really good.

Kelly Anne, Kiki, Stephanie, and I

The next day we met up with my dear friend, Kelly Anne and her sister in law, Kiki, at Japantown. Kelly Anne is a fellow crafter and we met through Instagram a few years ago. We wanted to meet up at Disneyland back in December but she wound up being there just a few days before our trip was scheduled. So I was super excited to finally get to meet her. Kelly and Kiki are oh-so-cute and were so much fun. I had the best time hanging out in Japantown even though the weather was atrocious. First we went to Daiso (my fave) and loaded up on goodies. I wish they had a store in Phoenix because everything there is the cutest. After we shopped we took a bunch of buddy pics since we knew the rain was coming soon. Kelly had the most amazing camera and it made all of us look tops blooby :)

Next we got crepes at Sophie's Crepes and got a chance to sit down and chat. We all got along like peanut butter and jelly (or jelly and jelly). There were lots of cute doggies around and I was in love with all of them. After lunch we went to a purikura (a Japanese photo booth) called PikaPika and took pictures. PikaPika is my FAVORITE part of Japantown and it was such a blast. You only have about 3 seconds between photos to decide on a pose so it's kind of stressful but the photos always turn out hilarious. After you take your pictures you get to decorate them and I gotta say, ours turned out SO GOOD!



It was just such a fun day and I wish we could have hung out longer but by 4:30pm a huge storm came in and it started raining like CRAZY which made it difficult for us to decide where to go next so we wound up just going home :( In retrospect we realized we should've gone to Kiki's place and hung out or gone back to Stephanie's house since it wasn't super far away but the rain made it hard to think clearly. D'oh! At least the time we all spent together was quality time. I already can't wait to see everyone again. We're talking about a future Disneyland meet up (that would be EPIC).

On the last day of my visit Stephanie, Manda, and I went on our first cable car ride and it was super fun. We got roundtrip tickets and rode the train up Powell to Fisherman's Wharf. This day we were blessed with nice weather and didn't get rained on the whole time we were walking around downtown. By the time we got to Fisherman's Wharf we were ready for some lunch so we stopped at a place called Boudin that's world famous for their sourdough bread. It was totally packed in this place but we got our food relatively quickly. I got a margarita pizza and they both got grilled cheeses and tomato soup. After lunch we walked down to Ghirardelli Square and loaded up on chocolate. It was just a relaxing and chill day and I had a great time. The line to get back on the cable car was kind of a nightmare but at least I was in good company (there was also a guy playing guitar outside so that helped the time go by). The ride down the hill was really cool and I was surprised how hard the guys had to work to just to get the thing to stop at traffic lights. By the end of our ride it had finally started to rain but we still wanted to take some pictures in the photo booth at Forever21 (it's become a tradition) so we dashed through the rain anyway.

 I'm so thankful for the internet for brining all of these wonderful people into my life. I feel so lucky to have so many amazing friends all over the world who I can visit and go on fun adventures with. I wish I could see them more often but it's cool to be able to communicate with each other anytime online. Not too long ago I could count all of my friends on one hand but in the past few years I've met so many incredible people and I'm so lucky to have such supportive and loving people in my life. They're all so special to me and I love them dearly. Thank you, Stephanie and Manda for taking such good care of me this past weekend. I can't wait to see you both again!

Renaissance Festival

 

 This past Sunday I went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time in about 10 years. In about 15 minutes I quickly remembered why I hadn't been to the Renaissance Festival in 10 years, haha. Nonetheless, let me tell you about our day.

 

 

The day started out kind of on the wrong foot when I woke up with a sour stomach. On top of that, I decided to not wear a wig at the last minute so that meant I had to wash and curl my hair which caused me to be late to Jackie's house. We carpooled to Michelle's house and then she drove us from there. We arrived around 11am and it was already pretty warm as we entered the fair. Almost immediately people were shouting things and harassing me (this would continue for the rest of the day). I guess I'd get harassed less in these types of situations if I didn't wear a costume and blended more into the crowd but I really only wanted to go so I could dress up as an elf for the day. All day I had to endure, "HEY YOU, WITH THE EARS!" If you have social anxiety like me, you know how much we hate loud noises and how much we reallllly hate loud noises that are directed at us. So all day I was uncomfortable and wished I could hide from all these obnoxious people. :(

 

We watched two shows that day and the first one was an acrobatics show. There were three performers and they balanced on each other and on buckets and stuff. This show made me verrrry nervous. When people aren't nervous for their own safety, I get anxiety on their behalf. This show lasted about 20-30 minutes and the whole time I'm just waiting for one of them to fall on their face. It was not good times.

 

 

The next show we went to was a comedy show called "Hey Nunny Nunny" which is mostly puns about nuns and Catholicism. I'm not really into "jokes" per se so I was probably the only person there not laughing my buns off. People were seriously howling with laughter while I'm like, "Errrmmm..." Idk, maybe I've become a comedy snob. I have a pretty specific taste in comedy (ie: Larry David, Aziz Ansari, Demetri Martin, The Flight of the Conchords, Louis CK) so most comedy is wasted on me.

 

The best part of the day was sitting in these cool Sky Chairs. They were so comfy and relaxing; if I had a porch to attach one to, I'd totally get one. We just sat and chilled in these chairs for about half an hour and it was sooooo nice to be in the shade with a light breeze on your face. I didn't end up eating anything til after we left the park since I still didn't feel so great and all they had to eat was greasy fried foods (not my jam--I'm kind of a health nut). It didn't help that I'm vegetarian either so I just fasted until about 5pm and was near death. But that was a better option for me than hurling at the Renaissance Festival. The last attraction we saw was the "Living Mermaid" which had the longest line. We had to wait for about 30 mostly unshaded minutes and tbh, it was kind of a let down once we finally got inside (this is the bummerest post ever). On the way home we stopped at one of my favorite restaurants, Chopsticks Express, and I got a giant order of honey tofu (which I scarfed down in the car) just before I dropped dead.

 

So yeah, I think I'm good for another 10 years as far as the Renaissance Festival is concerned. Next week is going to be amazing, though. Next Thursday I'm flying to San Francisco to see my bunny Stephanie (Twinkie-Chan) and also to meet my other bunny, Kelly Anne (TinyTangerines) for a girls weekend. It's going to be the BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

 

 

 

 

Sage of Wisdom (teeth)

One month ago today I had three of my wisdom teeth removed and boy, has it been rough. I got the procedure done on a Friday and by Monday the left side of my lip and chin were still completely numb so I panicked and called the oral surgeon. He explained how my lower wisdom teeth were so impacted that on a scale of one to ten, they were tens and that made their removal very difficult, however, he said the nerves were intact and "perfect" and that the surgery was a great success. He said numbness was to be expected in a case like mine but it would only be temporary and not to worry.

I thought I'd be back to normal in a week or two...NOPE! The pain was so intense and I would wake up 4-5 times a night in horrible pain. There were days when I'd come home from an 8 hour shift of having to talk on the phone and smile all day and just cry for an hour because I was in so much pain. I don't like to take medication but I had no choice but to take the pain pills they prescribed me. However, those didn't even alleviate all of the pain. I'm pretty sure they had to remove some of the bone tissue in order to extract the teeth because my recovery has been a very slow one and my jaw bone still aches. Besides the pain, though, the loss of feeling in my face has been distressing me the most.

On the 5th of this month I went back in for my follow up appointment and a different surgeon assessed me. He said that the extraction sites were healing "wonderfully" and then he did a test on me to see how bad the paresthesia (numbness) was. He pretty much poked my chin with a small needle and asked me if I could feel it then he dragged it up/down or left/right and asked me which direction it was moving in. I passed all the tests and he confirmed that the paresthesia was only slight at this point and that that was a good sign. He said if my face was still completely numb it would be cause for alarm but since I have regained a lot of feeling that it should only be temporary. Then he said I could feel back to normal in a week or in six more weeks (yikes). So today I hit the 4th week and am just ready for this to be over. I had pizza last night at a friend's house and my jaw still hurt a lot afterwards. I was also really self-conscious that I might have food on my face that I couldn't feel.

I hope that the doctor was right and that my nerves will heal themselves because this honestly has been such a nightmare. I've never experienced so much pain before and it's been so scary not knowing if I'll ever get all of the feeling back in my face again. If I had it to do over again, I don't even know if I would've had the procedure. Before they did the surgery they told me that there was a 15% chance that I would have nerve damage since my wisdom teeth sat right on top of the nerve and were fully developed since I'm in my 30s but I never thought that I'd actually fall into that 15%.

Before the surgery I was pretty hopeful that 2016 was going to be the year I started dating again and possibly started a new relationship but now that my face is all jacked up...I don't know when I'll feel up to it. A guy online messaged me just a week after the procedure and wanted to take me on a date but I told him about my situation and said I'd need some time to recover. At first he said he didn't mind waiting but then he started messaging me everyday asking me if I was well yet. It put too much pressure on me to heal quickly that I just stopped talking to him. It would've been nice to have someone to go out with on Valentine's Day but I don't really want to go on any dates until I've healed.

So that's what's been going on with me for the past few weeks. If you can send any positive energy my way, I'd really appreciate it. I just want to feel like myself again :( You don't really appreciate your health until something happens to compromise it.