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| July 2016 |
Dang, I really suck at this whole blogging thing. As you can imagine, lots of things have happened since my last post. First, I am officially a girl of 32 summers. It's surreal being two years into my 30s...especially since I don't feel 32 and I certainly don't look 32 #blessed. I don't know, I always imagined being a full-blown "adult" by this age but in my heart I still feel 16 if you want to know the truth. I still play video games regularly (but not as often as I'd like), I have plushies scattered all over my bed, I am madly in love with cartoons and anime, I wear peter pan collars and maryjanes and I still have to cover my eyes when watching scary movies. I guess I'm young at heart or whatever the old people say.
Second, I have managed to not quit/get fired from my "new" job. Two days ago I had my 90 day review (about 30 days late, haha). My boss said that I'm doing a stellar job and that he didn't even have any suggestions for areas I could improve in. I personally would like to get more comfortable setting up AV equipment and helping out at the assisted living building since I have to cover over there pretty often but that's really about it. I don't know how long I'll stay here but I expect to stay at least until the end of the year. I still find it so strange to be so appreciated and well-liked in this job. The residents all know me by name and compliment me daily, even for the smallest tasks.
Third, Stephanie and I have made progress in our vacation planning. Last month we booked our plane tickets to Japan and last week I booked our Airbnb apartment in Kyoto. This week we're going to book our Tokyo apartment and our Studio Ghibli Museum tour. After that all we really have left to do is buy our Japan Rail Passes and we'll be golden. As of today it's only 87 more days until we depart. I'm verrrrry excited but I will admit that I'm also super nervous. Although I love travelling and seeing the world, I always have a bit of anxiety going somewhere new. My main anxiety symptom is tummy issues and they're never fun to have on vacation. I'm hoping that once I get there that I'll be so excited that I won't focus too much on worrying and things that could possibly go wrong. Also, I'll be travelling with one of my favorite people and someone who loves me. The last international trip I went on turned out to be a disaster and that person turned out not to care about me as much as they claimed to. But I don't think that will happen with Stephanie (if it does I will cry for 1,000 years).
To be honest, I still can't really believe this is happening. I've been dreaming about visiting Japan since I was 12 years old and now I'm actually going. Annnnnd I'm going with someone who I've admired and looked up to for so so long. It's proof that dreams can come true. And even though I still struggle with anxiety and most likely will for the rest of my life, I'm so proud of myself for having the courage to do the things I want to do despite my anxiety. I've found that the only way to conquer your fears is to face them, feel the fear and then know that you can get through it.
And speaking of facing your fears...I recently went on a date with someone new AND I'm seeing him again this weekend. For someone with social anxiety disorder, dating is one of, if not THE hardest things to do. Just putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable is so scary! After the first date I got so worked up and had so much adrenaline in my body that by the time I got home I was a HOT MESS. My stomach hurt like crazy, my mind was racing and I could not sleep to save my life. The next day I had pretty much talked myself out of dating for the next 50 years but then I sought counsel from my girlfriends and they were so helpful and supportive. They reminded me how I need to just practice dating and that over time it'll get easier and easier just like anything else. I need to remind myself that it's just hanging out and I don't have to marry the person. I'm just getting to know someone and it's not a huge deal. *takes a deep breath*
So yeah, things have been crazy and busy in the past few months but generally have been pretty good. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your day!
Xoxo,
Courtney
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| denim dame |
So this is my last week of being 31 years old. Usually I'm super stoked whenever my birthday comes around but this year I'm kind of feeling just ambivalent about it. I've been pretty bummertown on and off for the past couple weeks so maybe that has something to do with it. A lot of stuff has been going on since my last post so I should probably get you caught up on everything.
Three weeks ago I started my new job at work. I've been a concierge at a retirement home for 2 1/2 years and during that time frame I grew kind of complacent in that position. I learned everything I possibly could and felt ready for a change so when a job opportunity became available in the activities department I applied for a transfer. I'm not gonna lie, the past few weeks were pretty rough and I was really regretting leaving a job that I was good at and comfortable in. My anxiety the first couple days was off the charts (people with anxiety tend to avoid change like the plague) but it's almost been a month and I'm slowly becoming more confident in my new role. All of the seniors have been really supportive and keep telling me that I'm doing a great job and that I'm such a fast learner but since I have a perfectionist personality I've been beating myself up a bit and feeling incompetent. My new boss even told me that I'm doing great but I still have a low level of anxiety every time someone comes in the office or my phone rings. My official title is activities coordinator but we do a bit of everything in this department. I make flyers, schedule meetings and presentations, plan outings/events, set up rooms for lectures and concerts, pick out movies for our movie theaters and help with any technology issues the residents might have. The IT questions are the hardest part of this job tbh and I have small panic attack every time someone calls me with a computer question. I always thought of myself as being pretty proficient with computers but most people have a Mac and I don't really know diddly about Apple Products, minus my Ipad. But I heard that there's an opening for a part time IT position so that'll be a huge relief once that person starts.
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| work style Courtney |
The same week that I started my new job I went on my first date in many moons. I don't really date anymore since dating is pretty much my biggest phobia but this guy seemed really nice and I figured I needed some dating practice. I first started talking to this guy back in December right after I had my wisdom teeth taken out but he was super eager to hang out even though I told him I was recovering from surgery so I kind of just stopped talking to him since I wasn't really in any state to being going on dates. However, after my SF trip I was feeling pretty good and thought maybe I had been too quick to write this guy off so I texted him and asked him if he was still interested in hanging out (he was). We wound up meeting the day before I started my new job, which turned out to be the worst idea ever since I can't really handle two huge stressors at once. I met him at a coffee shop and the moment I saw him I already knew I wasn't feeling it, on top of that the dude didn't even offer to pay for my $3 coffee when I'd driven a half an hour to meet him (gimme a break). A weird thing about my social anxiety is that sometimes it causes me to talk excessively since I can't stand awkward silences so this date lasted longer than I had intended it to. He enjoyed my stories a lot and was a nice dude but again, I just didn't really feel any romantic chemistry with him. He looked so much like my former roommate too who was kind of a dickhead to me so that didn't help him at all, haha. After the date I started getting bombarded with text messages and that was the final nail in the coffin. I tried telling him that I had social anxiety and was introverted but that didn't really sink in. Most girls would probably love to get texted everyday but unfortunately I'm not one of those women and within a couple days with the combination of this new job and a my phone buzzing all the time, I just couldn't take it and had to tell him I didn't want to hang out again. Luckily, he didn't make a huge deal about it like some of the men I've gone out with so that's a good thing. Some guys get really offended and send nasty replies but this one didn't say anything at all.
Idk, I feel like when I meet someone who's right for me that I'll just know and I won't have to force anything. I'll feel a thrill when they text me and I'll be excited to see them again. My mother loves telling me that I don't give these guys enough of a chance but I can't fake my emotions and life is too short to spend hanging out with someone you're not really interested in. Sigh...I guess all I can do is keep living my life and hope that eventually the right person will come along. For the most part, I don't really get lonely. I have lots of friends and also lots of hobbies so I don't find myself with tons of free time these days to reflect on the fact that I haven't found my partner. But I'm confident that when and if I do find my mate that they'll be totally worth the wait.
Welp, that's it for now. The next time you hear from me I'll be frikkin' 32 years old! Aye carumba!
Okay, I'm going to be real here (I'm always pretty real but now I'm going to be extra real)...my love life is not something to be desired. If you look at me and think that I'm the kind of girl who has to shake men off with a stick, well, you'd be wrong. It's not like boys don't pay attention to me, I do tend to attract a fair number of men but rarely is it someone I'd actually be interested in dating (like I'd have a better chance at being abducted by aliens and then dating one of the aliens tbh). If you want to know the truth, I've only ever had one boyfriend and since then I've had a difficult time trusting men (it was a p toxic/emotionally abusive relationship). The few men that I've gone out with since have been pretty cruddy at best. Most of them were just using me to make other girls (ie ex girlfriends) jealous which is 100% uncool. It's just been one disappointment after another until I got to the point where it felt like a waste of my time. That's when I decided to find happiness on my own and not rely on a man to make me happy. In that respect, the last few years have been very successful. I started my own business and found an art form that I love, I've made lots of new friends both in real life and online, I've started travelling the world and seeing places I once only dreamed of, and most importantly, I really started to love myself. I've struggled with depression for most of my life and was once riddled with insecurities but these years on my own have been years of self acceptance and discovery. I'm on the path to becoming the woman I always wanted to be and now that I'm doing so well in the Courtney department I've realized how nice it would be to meet someone truly special at this stage of my life.
But here's the problem...
It's hard to meet someone when you work two jobs, help take care of your elderly parents, exercise regularly, have innumerable hobbies, and lots of friends (for once) who you devote all of your spare time to. Thinking back on it, I don't think I've been on a date since August...of 2013! That date was so bad it really put me off dating, well, until now. But idk, I just don't meet a lot of boys my age in my everyday life. It doesn't help that I'm naturally kind of a homebody either...
So I decided that something has to be done about this situation. The hermit life isn't working for me and the online dating scene hasn't worked for me either so it's time to try the old-fashioned way of actually leaving my house and socializing with other human beings. That sounds so Sci-fi!
My dearest, Michelle, has agreed to be my wingman(woman?) and at least once a month we're going to go out and check out some new places. I've done some research on some cool places to hang out in the valley so we've got some venues to peruse for the next few months. I don't know if this experiment will actually result in a new relationship but it couldn't hurt. And this way I can say that I'm at least putting some effort into meeting someone new. So cross your fingers for your friend, Courtney, that the Universe has somebody in mind to be her new sweetie. It would be a crime for such a cutie to be single FOREVER.
Thank you, bbs! XOXOXOXO!
