First, I had a falling out with a dude who I really wasn't even friends with. I won't get into the specifics but he was treating me pretty shitty and when I finally spoke up about it he got all bent out of shape and pretty much cyber-bullied me. It was really childish and was another reality check of why I don't have any hetero male friends. It's just too complicated and weird. I'm trying really hard not to be a man-hater but the men in my life aren't giving me much reason not to be. I can count the decent men I know on one hand and that's really depressing.
On top of that I've been feeling pretty down about my career. As much as I love making art I'm at a point in my life where I need more financial stability that art just isn't providing for me. I'm not going hungry or anything but being poor for long has been pretty taxing on me. To be perfectly honest, I'm very unhappy with my living situation and would like to get my own place in the not too distant future. However, in order to do this my current day job would have to become full-time (and who knows when or if that will ever happen) or I have to start looking for a different job and the prospect of having to change my life around again has been pretty stressful. I hate looking for new jobs like the plague but then on the other hand, the idea of doing my current job at the retirement home 40 hours a week is pretty daunting as well.
My original life plan was to meet a man with a good head on his shoulders and we'd find our way together but that's the thing about plans, they never work out. I'm finding out that I'm on my own here and I need to start figuring out how I'm going to take care of myself. I can't keep waiting for some dude to come along and save me or whatever. And I love my family but I've gotten to an age where I just can't handle seeing them every single day. I've pretty much become my mother's care giver and she only really speaks to me when she needs something from me. Whenever I try to talk about how I'm feeling or what's going on in my life she turns up the volume on the tv and totally tunes me out. My dad and I get along very well but I rarely see him these days and when I do talk to him all he can tell me is that everything is going to work out and not to worry about anything. He's retiring this upcoming spring so he's been working as much as he possibly can to save money. It'll be a relief when he's home to take care of my mother so I can get my freedom back and won't have to feel guilty anytime I want to go out with my friends.
I don't know. Do you ever look at your life and wonder what the heck happened or where did the time go? It feels like I just got back from Seattle but that was almost 2 years ago already. I would've thought that by now I'd have some idea of what I want to do with my life but I feel just as lost as ever. If you would've asked me at 12 years old what my life would be like at 30 years old I probably would've said that I'd be a professional artist with a good husband and probably a kid or two (ew). Not in a billion years did would I ever have thought I'd develop social anxiety at 14 and it would completely turn my life upside down. I know I've made tremendous progress with my disorder but there are days where I still feel like a fuck-up. People like to say that we create our own reality; if that's true, I'm creating a pretty shitty reality for myself. I guess I just need to trust in the Universe and myself more. Things might be tough right now but life has a way of balancing itself out again.
The shining light through this bummer time of my life have been my friends. I might not have a lot of friends but they ones I do have are true blue. I'm very lucky to have found such wonderful people who really love me and understand me. It's comforting to know that I'm not completely alone in the world. I do have people out there rooting for me and who will love me regardless if I ever become a famous artist. I may be unlucky in love in the romantic department but I think I've done pretty well in platonic love.
Okies, well, I'm gonna try to keep my chin up and stay as positive as I can. But if any of you could spare some positive vibes, I'd really appreciate it! Take care, friends!
Love,
Iggy
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