Mercury in Retrograde

President of the Sad Girls Club

Things have been...weird lately. I've had two moods for the past week--sad or mad and it's made being at work very difficult since the majority of my job is me being a smiling face to greet everyone and help them with their problems. But what about Courtney's problems, huh? What about that? Thank the gods I have a handful of really good friends that I've been able to talk to about my moodiness this week or I wouldn't know what to do. As I've gotten older (and wiser) I've gotten to the point where it's easier to identify who my true friends are. I may have my down days but I love myself enough now to know when I'm not being treated right. I was talking to my friend at work and she was telling me that I'm way too smart of a lady to allow anyone to make me feel like I'm not good enough or successful enough to be their friend. And although I know this in my heart it's good to hear it from someone else, ya know? Once I turned 30 something inside me just clicked and I was just done with people's bullshit. I can't stomach phony people anymore. I only want to have people in my life who are real and who I can really share things with. I don't have time for "fair weather" friends who are only there when things are good. Life is hard and you need to have people in your life who you can count on and who can rely on you. I heard a quote once that said, "A good friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body." Now that's a little extreme, but you get the idea.

In other news, last weekend Michelle and I went on our first "new bf 2k15" mission and it was kind of a bust. Hanging out at her house and talking before we went out was awesome but then we went to The Duce. Normally we go in a group of 4 or more people but this time it was just the two of us and it was a totally different vibe. First we just sat down and chatted because we weren't feeling the song that was playing. While we were sitting there two guys approached us and I just got really weird and uncomfortable. Maybe it would've been different if they'd been cute but idk, as soon as they approached us all I wanted was for them to go away. That's when I realized that maybe this isn't the best route for me to take. Having one of my best friends witnessing how awkward and shy I get around boys was the WORST because I'm a totally different person with my friends than I am around strangers (especially male strangers). Eventually a song we liked was playing so we danced for a bit but then they played a lousy song and everyone dispersed from the dance floor. I did a quick scan of the place and didn't fancy any of the boys so we decided to check out Crescent Ballroom instead. There wasn't a DJ or any shows going on so everyone was hanging out on the patio. I got a bottle of Coke like a major dweeb and we found a spot to hang out and chat. Again, I just felt uncomfortable and out of place. Bars just aren't my scene and I felt like I wasn't able to give Michelle my full attention because I was trying to patrol for cuties at the same time. Michelle is one of my favorite people in the whole world and I started to resent this bar for taking my attention away from her and our conversation. Anyway, I got home around 1am and in a pretty discouraged mood.

I try to be in tune with the Universe and be conscious when it's trying to communicate something to me and I felt very strongly that night that bars and clubs aren't the place I'm going to find my match in. But where the heck is he? I was talking to Melissa about this quandary and she said that this dude needs to put in some bloody work too, that it shouldn't be 100% my responsibility to find him. I'm a very special girl and I shouldn't have to work so hard to find a decent man. However, then I think to myself, "Maybe the reason I keep running into dead ends with men here is because I'm looking in the wrong place. Maybe there's a reason I've developed such a wanderlust lately. Perhaps I'm meant to meet my person during my travels." (I can be a hopeless romantic at times).

So anyway, the moral of this story is that I've discovered bars aren't the way to go but not to lose hope entirely. I think for next month's outing we'll try joining a Meetup group or something.

Before I close, I'd 'd like to list 3 things that have happened recently that have made me happy since this happens to be Mental Health Awareness Week:

1.) It's a small victory but I beat my buddies at Mario Kart three times in a row last night. It made me feel really good after having such a poop day.
2.) I bought myself some super cute sandals that look just like a pair I had when I was little.
3.) A senior at work told me on Tuesday that I was one of the kindest people she knows

Well, that's all for now. I hope you are enjoying your Thursday and in case you're not, hang in there! We've almost made it to the weekend :)

Operation New Boyfriend

Okay, I'm going to be real here (I'm always pretty real but now I'm going to be extra real)...my love life is not something to be desired. If you look at me and think that I'm the kind of girl who has to shake men off with a stick, well, you'd be wrong. It's not like boys don't pay attention to me, I do tend to attract a fair number of men but rarely is it someone I'd actually be interested in dating (like I'd have a better chance at being abducted by aliens and then dating one of the aliens tbh). If you want to know the truth, I've only ever had one boyfriend and since then I've had a difficult time trusting men (it was a p toxic/emotionally abusive relationship). The few men that I've gone out with since have been pretty cruddy at best. Most of them were just using me to make other girls (ie ex girlfriends) jealous which is 100% uncool. It's just been one disappointment after another until I got to the point where it felt like a waste of my time. That's when I decided to find happiness on my own and not rely on a man to make me happy. In that respect, the last few years have been very successful. I started my own business and found an art form that I love, I've made lots of new friends both in real life and online, I've started travelling the world and seeing places I once only dreamed of, and most importantly, I really started to love myself. I've struggled with depression for most of my life and was once riddled with insecurities but these years on my own have been years of self acceptance and discovery. I'm on the path to becoming the woman I always wanted to be and now that I'm doing so well in the Courtney department I've realized how nice it would be to meet someone truly special at this stage of my life.

But here's the problem...

It's hard to meet someone when you work two jobs, help take care of your elderly parents, exercise regularly, have innumerable hobbies, and lots of friends (for once) who you devote all of your spare time to. Thinking back on it, I don't think I've been on a date since August...of 2013! That date was so bad it really put me off dating, well, until now. But idk, I just don't meet a lot of boys my age in my everyday life. It doesn't help that I'm naturally kind of a homebody either...

So I decided that something has to be done about this situation. The hermit life isn't working for me and the online dating scene hasn't worked for me either so it's time to try the old-fashioned way of actually leaving my house and socializing with other human beings. That sounds so Sci-fi!

My dearest, Michelle, has agreed to be my wingman(woman?) and at least once a month we're going to go out and check out some new places. I've done some research on some cool places to hang out in the valley so we've got some venues to peruse for the next few months. I don't know if this experiment will actually result in a new relationship but it couldn't hurt. And this way I can say that I'm at least putting some effort into meeting someone new. So cross your fingers for your friend, Courtney, that the Universe has somebody in mind to be her new sweetie. It would be a crime for such a cutie to be single FOREVER.

Thank you, bbs! XOXOXOXO!