To be honest, I've been super intimidated to update this blog since returning home from my adventure since there's just so much to tell and I don't want to leave anything out. Seventeen days is quite a long time so I've decided to write about my travels in Europe in segments just to make things easier on myself (and on you). So let's start from the beginning!
The evening of April 7th I began my journey. I'll admit that I got a little emotional upon take off but let's be real here, this trip was a BIG DEAL and naturally there were a lot of feels involved. I had really started talking about visiting Europe when I was 22 years old. My anxiety had become semi-manageable and I had quite a bit of savings so I started giving a European vacation serious consideration. However, the boyfriend at the time had no money and to tell the truth, had no real interest in traveling with me at all. I was pretty upset at the time but after my experience last month I now realize that I went at exactly the right time in my life with exactly the right person. It was all meant to be.
I'm not going to lie, the flight sucked. Don't get me wrong, British Airways did their very best to make all of us comfortable but being trapped in a plane for nearly 10 hours is never fun. I still get nervous flying so I didn't eat a whole lot before departing so around 9pm I was pure starving. I started daydreaming about macaroni and cheese but then I noticed that I smelled something that kind of smelt like macaroni and cheese (very weird). I guess I was naïve but I honestly thought that all I was going to get was juice and a cookie on this flight. Boy, was I WRONG! The flight attendant asked me if I preferred the curry chicken or pasta bake. I asked her if the pasta was vegetarian and she said she didn't know. I took a peek at it but it was hard to tell so I told her I didn't want to risk it. A few minutes later she came back and plopped the tray in front of me and said, "You better taste it just in case. I don't want you to starve." Pure angel! The pasta did in fact turn out to be vegetarian but it also came with bread and butter, a side salad, tea, water, and coffee cake! My tummy was very happy! After my feast I tried to get some sleep but I don't think I was very successful. I drifted in and out of consciousness but I don't think I got any actual sleep. Yadda yadda yadda ten hours went by and I see London out of my window and got a dash emotional again. My layover in London wasn't too bad; I filled the time with people watching. I finally arrived in Glasgow at 5:20pm the NEXT DAY! Spoopy!
As I walked through the airport the excitement started to build. I was finally going to get to see my dearest, Melissa in 3D. I navigated myself through the crowd and then I saw her! It was again, very emotional! She was just so cute and we both were so excited. It was a Hallmark moment for sure. My first impression of Scotland was that it was SO COLD! I was not prepared for it to be so cold--yikes! We took the bus back to her flat and I got to meet her sweet mum and her adorable kitty, Shadow. We had Dominoes pizza for dinner which was funny for me since I wasn't expecting there to be Dominoes in Glasgow. I slept for a few hours but woke up at 1am wide awake. During that time I made friends with Shadow, the Creature of the Night.
The next day started off good. We took the subway into town and Melissa showed me her turf. We went into a super cute shop called Primark and she bought me an adorable blue dress with a black peter pan collar for my birthday. However, while in Primark I started to feel a bit...weird. My stomach started doing funny stuff and once that happens my anxiety will slowly start to kick in. We stopped at Hill Head Bookclub for lunch (even though I wasn't hungry) and I ordered a veggie sandwich thinking that would be the safest thing for someone who's feeling sick to order. BAD IDEA. Making myself eat made everything so much worse and I had to visit the bathroom more times than I'd care to admit. It took all of my strength not to vomit everywhere. After lunch we were walking to the subway when I had to tell the truth that I was feeling super nauseated and having a bit of a panic attack. A weird thing about Europe is that there are very few trash bins on the street. For someone about to hurl, this is not the best news. The thought of barfing right onto the street or on the subway was more than I could bear.
Somehow I managed to make it back to her flat without puking though. I had been so tired in town that day but when she left me alone in her room to nap I could not sleep. I felt so bad about feeling ill the first day of the trip. All I could think was, "Well, Courtney, you already fucked it up. You've ruined the trip. This was a mistake. You're not meant to travel the world." All of these negative thoughts kept rolling around in my head. It was the worst. I truly thought that the rest of the trip was going to be a disaster and that I'd let my anxiety win.
I'm happy to report that that wasn't the case. In retrospect, I can't believe I was so hard on myself. First of all, I was super jet lagged. It should've been no surprise that I felt super ill after flying for 12 hours and getting hardly any sleep. Also, I was in a new country with a girl I had never met in person (and was worried wouldn't like me). Combine all of those things and anyone would feel barfy.
The next day and the days to follow were gold. Next stop was London but I'll save that tale for my next post. We were there for 2 days and one of those days was spent at the Harry Potter Studio Tour so I might break those into two posts as well.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Courtney
As of today, we have hit our two week mark. In exactly a fortnight (Glob, I love that word) I will be making my first journey across the Atlantic Ocean. It's so dreamy! I think that this trip is going to change my life forever. Not everyone gets to experience a trip like this in their lifetime (my parents have never been anywhere out of North America) and I feel very fortunate. Being from a culture that's only a few centuries old, I'm very excited to get to see places that are so rich with history. It's going to be amazing walking down streets that have been walked upon by people for hundreds of years. It's very romantic to think about.
However, while I'm very excited about all of the amazing things I'm going to get to see and experience I'm also trying very hard to keep my anxiety in check. Sometimes there's a fine line between anxiety and excitement and it can be hard to differentiate the two. But I must give myself props for handling all of this so well. The fact that I'm even going on a trip of this magnitude is HUGE progress for me. Ten years ago (even 5 years ago) I wouldn't have been able to go on this trip. My anxiety disorder kept me on a tight leash and I had so many limitations. In fact, ten years ago I was pretty much housebound, believe it or not. I had so many phobias that my life became pretty isolated and small. I couldn't work and I could barely handle going to school. But with the support and love of many people in my life I began to face all of the things I was afraid of. It's weird thinking about the person I was back then since the person I am today is so different. For many years I had an eating with people phobia and for 5 years I didn't eat out with anyone. I ate all my meals at home because my anxiety was so intense at the time that I was nauseous practically around the clock. Since I felt queasy so often I worried constantly that I was going to throw up (and Glob forbid, throw up in front of PEOPLE). And now I love eating out with friends. It's one of my favorite things to do. But back then I cared so much about what others thought about me that I let it consume me. I would avoid any situations that could result in potential embarrassment. Living this kind of life led to very low self esteem and as you can imagine, very few friends. My future seemed so bleak in those days and I had pretty much renounced any hope of getting over my anxiety. Pretty bummer times, yo.
But as you know, things did get better! During this past decade I learned a lot about Anxiety Disorder and educated myself on it thoroughly. One of the most valuable things I learned about this disorder was that MILLIONS OF PEOPLE have it. It wasn't just me. I wasn't just "crazy" like I believed I was for many years. I was just a negative thinker, a worrier, and very sensitive. Just knowing that I wasn't alone was super beneficial to me. However, once I learned that most of my problems came from how I speak to myself internally, I realized I had the power to heal myself. I heard a quote somewhere in my research, "I am the lock but I am also the key". It's taken years but I've realized how to spot negative thinking patterns and how to stop them and replace them with a positive thought. Through this whole process I've become a very positive person and it's funny how now everyone comes to me when they're feeling down and need cheering up. But the most important thing I learned about phobias is that you HAVE to face them. If you don't you give them power and that power can quickly take over your life (and peace of mind). It's very scary but you have to force yourself to do the things that frighten you. It's best to take things slowly and do baby steps but by doing the things that you're afraid of you'll realize that you're not going to die and it's not the end of the world. You have to give yourself praise for any steps in the right direction. We all need to learn how to be our own best friend and love ourselves unconditionally.
When I was about 25 years old I made a decision (one of the best decisions I've ever made) and it was to stop being who I thought other people wanted me to be and to just be myself; to 100% embrace who I am and love that person completely. I've always been different and kind of "weird" and for most of my life I suppressed those parts of myself and was very unhappy as a result. But once I started being myself and not caring if people liked me or not, something funny happened. People liked me! Everyone at university wanted to be my friend; I was my professor's favorite student. I finally set the real me free and I have no regrets.
I still have my bad days though, I'm only human. I've accomplished so much with my battle against anxiety disorder but I'll never be "cured" or anything. I just learned how to deal with anxious feeling when they arise. But I've never travelled for this long without my family or in another country so some amount of anxiety is bound to happen. I'm going to try not to think about that though. I'm trying reallllly hard just to focus on all of the fun we're going to have. I know this trip won't be perfect and there will be bumps on the road but we're going to leave with so many memories. I simply cannot wait!
Wish my luck! And thank you for reading this little blog and sharing these experiences with me.
Xoxo,
Courtney
