The Return of the Blogger (Again)

So...it has been forever and a day since my last blog post and as you can imagine, a lot has changed.

In the past few months I have journeyed to Japan and back again, had several meltdowns, quit my soul-crushing job and have decided to take a risk and move to southern California. It's pretty amazing how much your life can change in just a few short months. If you remember my last post from September you'll know that my job was causing me a lot of mental (and physical distress). At the beginning of 2016 I was feeling pretty burnt out in my position as a concierge at a high-end retirement home and was ready to look for a new job. However, being a naturally lazy person who also tends to avoid change, I wasn't looking very hard. My employer was 10 minutes away from my house, I had a relatively easy job and everyone seemed to like me. But I was bored. And people with anxiety don't do well with boredom. We will fill that time with thoughts of dread and regret. It's not pretty. However, as I was contemplating leaving my job an opening in a different department opened up. I wasn't necessarily jazzed about this new job but it would be change of pace and I might learn some new skills. If I'd only known then what a mess I was getting myself into.

On my first day in my new position I had a panic attack and knew I'd made a huge mistake. This job wasn't what I'd signed up for and I felt I'd been deceived. Over the course of a few months they completely changed my job description (to save money of course) and I was told that I could either adapt to these changes or I could leave. Around this time I had already bought my plane ticket to Japan and with my anxiety, I can only really handle one big thing at a time so I decided I would tough it out with this job and after my trip I would start looking for a new job and preferably one in California. 

This might not have been the best decision because the proceeding 10 months were some of the most miserable months of my life. Everyday I'd wake up and dread the day ahead of me. Almost everyday was a bad one. And it's so emotionally exhausting having to "be on" 8 hours a day and have to pretend to be happy and cheerful when internally you're screaming. As the months went on my anxiety worsened, my stomach aches returned (which caused me to lose all the weight I was so happy to put on the year before), and my depression intensified. I hadn't been this depressed and anxious in almost 10 years. All of the progress I had made with my mental health seemed to slip right through my fingers. 

This is probably where I should tell you what this job was so you can understand why it was affecting me the way it did. Originally, I signed up for a job in the activities department at the senior home I worked at. I was told that I would be planning fun events and outings for the old folks as well as some administrative work like making flyers and such. This department was also responsible for helping the seniors with technology questions but that was supposedly only a small portion of the job. I was hired for the independent living side with all of the residents that I'd known for years but after I'd already accepted the job I was told I was going to be spending some of my time at the assisted living side too. Some time turned into half of my day everyday. 

I'm a very sensitive person and also a hypochondriac so this was not good news for me. The job at the assisted living side was night and day to the one at the independent side. For 4 hours a day I had to work in a hospital with sick people, many of which had very advanced dementia and it completely broke my heart. I felt like Siddhartha seeing a dying person for the first time. This was all totally new for me and hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't just being in this kind of environment that got to me, it was the fact that I had to entertain a room full of people everyday! For several hours a day, I was the entertainment. As a person with social anxiety disorder, this was a NIGHTMARE. This was a sink or swim situation and I was drowning. I would feel sick to my stomach the moment I woke up in the morning because I knew I had to get up and teach the exercise class or the art class (I never ever wanted to be a teacher). On top of that, I became responsible for having to interview the incoming patients so I had to go into their rooms and every time I worried I was going to catch whatever illness the person had. By the time I would get back to my office at the independent side I would be so drained but I'd have notes, emails and voicemails waiting to be answered. 

I told my boss I was feeling overwhelmed and unhappy in this position and he told me that if I ever needed help, to just ask for it, that we were all a team. A family. This I would soon find not to be true. About one month ago I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life and had to go home sick. It was a major wake up call that I couldn't go on like this much longer. If I continued on this path, I was going to end up in the hospital. A few days after my panic attack I was feeling extremely fragile mentally but tried to act "normal" at work. Someone was having trouble with their computer but it was a Mac and my knowledge of Macs is very limited since I've always been a PC user so I asked my boss if he could help this person. My boss decided this was too much and started spewing all of these cliche buzzwords at me telling me I needed to "step up to the plate" and stop asking for help all the time (I only ask for help when I have no other options). For 30 minutes I pretty much got told I wasn't working hard enough and that I either "step up my game" or transfer to another department. 

After all the misery I'd endured for nearly a year I was being told I wasn't working hard enough! I knew this job was a horrible fit from Day 1 but I tried my best to make it work. For the millionth time I came home in tears and my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him how my boss didn't respect me and told me I needed to work harder. It was then that my dad said something I did not expect. He said, "You have to quit. Tomorrow." I was stunned to hear this coming from the man who had always drilled into me that you never leave a job without another one lined up. He said I couldn't work for this man anymore now that I knew how he really felt about me, and especially when this job A.) hardly paid anything B.) was making me ill. He said life was too short to be so miserable and this was the Universe's way of telling me it was time to leave.

The next day I plucked up my courage and handed in my resignation. And get THIS! The whole time this guy could not hide his elation! He smiled and laughed through the whole thing! It was ludicrous! I don't think I've ever had a boss react so unprofessionally to me resigning from a job. 

As you an imagine, word spread like wildfire that I had quit. For the next few days the seniors stopped me and told me how much I'd meant to them and how my smile always brightened their day. A big part of me had felt like I'd wasted the past 3 1/2 years of my life at this community and that all of my efforts were in vain but the seniors changed my mind. I was important. I did matter. I had made a difference in people's lives at the end of their lives. Everyone wished me well and told me that I was going to succeed in whatever direction I chose to go in. 

So now here I am, 2 weeks later. In about 2 months or so I will be packing my life up once again and moving to California. To be perfectly honest, I'm pretty terrified going out into the unknown again but for some reason this time it feels different. I feel like this time everything is going to be okay. My original plan was to find a job before moving but I've changed my mind and decided to just pack up and leave. It would be too stressful to have to drive back and forth to LA for interviews (if I even got any since most employers don't even look at your resume if they see you're out of state) and have to stay at a motel alone. And this time is different than the other times I've moved because this time I have a lot more saved up so I don't have to feel so desperate to find a job as soon as I get there. I can afford to be picky this time. And this time I'm moving somewhere that I already have friends at, friends who have told me they can't wait for me to get there. 

I hope the Universe has a plan for me and that things will work out this time. I know the next few months will be hard but I'm stronger now and I know myself better than I did 4 years ago. I'm going to try to stop doubting myself so much and have more confidence in myself and my abilities. 

Thank you for reading this and for believing in me. The support of my family and friends has meant so much to me during these troubled times.

In my next post, I'm going to finally write about my trip to Japan before I start to forget everything! See you next time! 

August 2016

I hate writing super negative posts but things have been pretty crummy for me lately and I'm hoping that writing about it might help a bit. I'm not sure why but the Universe has been kicking my butt this summer. My anxiety and depression have been pretty bad the past couple weeks (months) due to all the stress. The main stressor is that I've been having a lot of family drama. About a month ago my mom decided she was going to make my life a living hell and has been horrible to me everyday since. Her mood has been so hostile and she's constantly fighting with me or my dad. It's gotten to the point where I dread going home after work because there's so much tension in my house. I feel like I'm imprisoned in my own home. My dad said I should start looking for new place to live (I had been my mom's caregiver until last year when my dad retired and have been saving up money for the past year) but now I'm not sure which direction I want to go in. My original plan was to move to Scottsdale and buy a small condo but now I don't think I even want to stay in Arizona. I've regretted moving back here for the past 4 years. I don't really feel like anything good has happened since I came back. The only significant thing that's happened is that I've been able to travel and get some stamps in my passport but other than that I've been pretty bored.

I just feel like everyone around me has had their lives change so much in the past 4-5 years while mine has kind of been frozen in time. My friends have gotten married, had babies, bought houses, gotten real grown up jobs, etc but my life hasn't really changed at all. I really haven't had any significant life events and that bothers me. So I think I might've overstayed my welcome here in AZ. I just don't feel like I belong here. But the hard part is figuring out where I do belong and where I could thrive. 

To be honest, I've always wanted to live in California. Yes, I know it's expensive and the traffic is crazy. But I've wanted to live there since I was a little girl. I think just being near Disneyland and the ocean would really improve my quality of life. So after I get back from Japan I'm going to start looking for jobs in California and see if maybe I can get something going over there. I don't want to move without a job lined up again. I've done that twice and both times it was a bad experience. Having to pay rent every month when you have no income coming in is the worst. I usually get so stressed out that I end up taking whatever job I can get and then once you're in that job it's hard to get out and go to interviews without them knowing something is up. Plus, I'll need a job established before anyone will rent an apartment to me. My brother tried moving to LA last year with a couple of his friends and since they didn't have jobs there no one would sign a lease with them. So yeah, I've learned from my past mistakes and hopefully, things will work out better this time.

Another contributor to my lousy disposition lately has been my day job. My job duties have turned out to be completely different than the job I was hired for. I've become one of the million of Americans who hate their jobs and I totally get the whole "I hate Mondays" thing now. But I also think that everything happens for a reason so I guess this is another sign from the Universe that I'm supposed to move on to something else. If everything was perfect here, if I liked my job, had found a partner, and was generally content with my life in AZ I wouldn't be motivated to move. But none of those things have happened so that's a good indicator that I might be better off somewhere else. One thing I do know is that if I move out of state, I'm not going to return to Arizona again and I'm certainly not going to move back in with my family again. Like, ever. 

So yeah, I have a lot of things to think about and important life changes to ponder over the next few months. But maybe that means that 2017 will be better. Maybe that's the year that things will start to turn around. 

To end this post on a more positive note, only 4 more weeks until my trip to Japan. To be honest, that's the only thing I've been looking forward to this summer. I can't wait to see my precious Twinkie-Chan's face again. 

It's going to be pretty pretty pretty good. 

Hot Child in the City

July 2016

Dang, I really suck at this whole blogging thing. As you can imagine, lots of things have happened since my last post. First, I am officially a girl of 32 summers. It's surreal being two years into my 30s...especially since I don't feel 32 and I certainly don't look 32 #blessed. I don't know, I always imagined being a full-blown "adult" by this age but in my heart I still feel 16 if you want to know the truth. I still play video games regularly (but not as often as I'd like),  I have plushies scattered all over my bed, I am madly in love with cartoons and anime, I wear peter pan collars and maryjanes and I still have to cover my eyes when watching scary movies. I guess I'm young at heart or whatever the old people say.

Second, I have managed to not quit/get fired from my "new" job. Two days ago I had my 90 day review (about 30 days late, haha). My boss said that I'm doing a stellar job and that he didn't even have any suggestions for areas I could improve in. I personally would like to get more comfortable setting up AV equipment and helping out at the assisted living building since I have to cover over there pretty often but that's really about it. I don't know how long I'll stay here but I expect to stay at least until the end of the year. I still find it so strange to be so appreciated and well-liked in this job. The residents all know me by name and compliment me daily, even for the smallest tasks. 

Third, Stephanie and I have made progress in our vacation planning. Last month we booked our plane tickets to Japan and last week I booked our Airbnb apartment in Kyoto. This week we're going to book our Tokyo apartment and our Studio Ghibli Museum tour. After that all we really have left to do is buy our Japan Rail Passes and we'll be golden. As of today it's only 87 more days until we depart. I'm verrrrry excited but I will admit that I'm also super nervous. Although I love travelling and seeing the world, I always have a bit of anxiety going somewhere new. My main anxiety symptom is tummy issues and they're never fun to have on vacation. I'm hoping that once I get there that I'll be so excited that I won't focus too much on worrying and things that could possibly go wrong. Also, I'll be travelling with one of my favorite people and someone who loves me. The last international trip I went on turned out to be a disaster and that person turned out not to care about me as much as they claimed to. But I don't think that will happen with Stephanie (if it does I will cry for 1,000 years). 

To be honest, I still can't really believe this is happening. I've been dreaming about visiting Japan since I was 12 years old and now I'm actually going. Annnnnd I'm going with someone who I've admired and looked up to for so so long. It's proof that dreams can come true. And even though I still struggle with anxiety and most likely will for the rest of my life, I'm so proud of myself for having the courage to do the things I want to do despite my anxiety. I've found that the only way to conquer your fears is to face them, feel the fear and then know that you can get through it. 

And speaking of facing your fears...I recently went on a date with someone new AND I'm seeing him again this weekend. For someone with social anxiety disorder, dating is one of, if not THE hardest things to do. Just putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable is so scary! After the first date I got so worked up and had so much adrenaline in my body that by the time I got home I was a HOT MESS. My stomach hurt like crazy, my mind was racing and I could not sleep to save my life. The next day I had pretty much talked myself out of dating for the next 50 years but then I sought counsel from my girlfriends and they were so helpful and supportive. They reminded me how I need to just practice dating and that over time it'll get easier and easier just like anything else. I need to remind myself that it's just hanging out and I don't have to marry the person. I'm just getting to know someone and it's not a huge deal. *takes a deep breath*

So yeah, things have been crazy and busy in the past few months but generally have been pretty good. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your day! 

Xoxo,
Courtney 

The Birthday Approaches

denim dame 

So this is my last week of being 31 years old. Usually I'm super stoked whenever my birthday comes around but this year I'm kind of feeling just ambivalent about it. I've been pretty bummertown on and off for the past couple weeks so maybe that has something to do with it. A lot of stuff has been going on since my last post so I should probably get you caught up on everything. 

Three weeks ago I started my new job at work. I've been a concierge at a retirement home for 2 1/2 years and during that time frame I grew kind of complacent in that position. I learned everything I possibly could and felt ready for a change so when a job opportunity became available in the activities department I applied for a transfer. I'm not gonna lie, the past few weeks were pretty rough and I was really regretting leaving a job that I was good at and comfortable in. My anxiety the first couple days was off the charts (people with anxiety tend to avoid change like the plague) but it's almost been a month and I'm slowly becoming more confident in my new role. All of the seniors have been really supportive and keep telling me that I'm doing a great job and that I'm such a fast learner but since I have a perfectionist personality I've been beating myself up a bit and feeling incompetent. My new boss even told me that I'm doing great but I still have a low level of anxiety every time someone comes in the office or my phone rings. My official title is activities coordinator but we do a bit of everything in this department. I make flyers, schedule meetings and presentations, plan outings/events, set up rooms for lectures and concerts, pick out movies for our movie theaters and help with any technology issues the residents might have. The IT questions are the hardest part of this job tbh and I have small panic attack every time someone calls me with a computer question. I always thought of myself as being pretty proficient with computers but most people have a Mac and I don't really know diddly about Apple Products, minus my Ipad. But I heard that there's an opening for a part time IT position so that'll be a huge relief once that person starts.

work style Courtney 

The same week that I started my new job I went on my first date in many moons. I don't really date anymore since dating is pretty much my biggest phobia but this guy seemed really nice and I figured I needed some dating practice. I first started talking to this guy back in December right after I had my wisdom teeth taken out but he was super eager to hang out even though I told him I was recovering from surgery so I kind of just stopped talking to him since I wasn't really in any state to being going on dates. However, after my SF trip I was feeling pretty good and thought maybe I had been too quick to write this guy off so I texted him and asked him if he was still interested in hanging out (he was). We wound up meeting the day before I started my new job, which turned out to be the worst idea ever since I can't really handle two huge stressors at once. I met him at a coffee shop and the moment I saw him I already knew I wasn't feeling it, on top of that the dude didn't even offer to pay for my $3 coffee when I'd driven a half an hour to meet him (gimme a break). A weird thing about my social anxiety is that sometimes it causes me to talk excessively since I can't stand awkward silences so this date lasted longer than I had intended it to. He enjoyed my stories a lot and was a nice dude but again, I just didn't really feel any romantic chemistry with him. He looked so much like my former roommate too who was kind of a dickhead to me so that didn't help him at all, haha. After the date I started getting bombarded with text messages and that was the final nail in the coffin. I tried telling him that I had social anxiety and was introverted but that didn't really sink in. Most girls would probably love to get texted everyday but unfortunately I'm not one of those women and within a couple days with the combination of this new job and a my phone buzzing all the time, I just couldn't take it and had to tell him I didn't want to hang out again. Luckily, he didn't make a huge deal about it like some of the men I've gone out with so that's a good thing. Some guys get really offended and send nasty replies but this one didn't say anything at all. 

Idk, I feel like when I meet someone who's right for me that I'll just know and I won't have to force anything. I'll feel a thrill when they text me and I'll be excited to see them again. My mother loves telling me that I don't give these guys enough of a chance but I can't fake my emotions and life is too short to spend hanging out with someone you're not really interested in. Sigh...I guess all I can do is keep living my life and hope that eventually the right person will come along. For the most part, I don't really get lonely. I have lots of friends and also lots of hobbies so I don't find myself with tons of free time these days to reflect on the fact that I haven't found my partner. But I'm confident that when and if I do find my mate that they'll be totally worth the wait.

Welp, that's it for now. The next time you hear from me I'll be frikkin' 32 years old! Aye carumba!

San Francisco 2016

This past weekend I got to visit some of my favorite people in the universe in San Francisco and had a marvelous time. It rained pretty much all weekend but we still managed to have tons of fun. Let me tell you about it.

I arrived late Thursday night so Friday Stephanie and I went to Pier 39 so we could see the sea lions. As soon as we got out of the car it started to rain but we had umbrellas (I bought a cute new pink Totoro umbrella for the trip) so it wasn't that bad. The sea lions were super cute and one even swam right up to us to check us out. They were all so lazy and sleepy, it was adorable. They looked like giant melted Milk Duds. Next we walked all around the pier and got soft pretzels to eat while we looked at all the funny little shops. We were okay until it got windy and the rain started blowing right into our faces. At that point we decided to call it a day and got Chipotle back in Stephanie's neighborhood. After lunch I was pretty sleepy so I took a little cat nap in "baby jail". They had put a baby gate in the downstairs room that I was staying in to keep the dogs from jumping on me and all of my stuff so it got christened Baby Jail, haha. For dinner we got thai food from a place around the corner and it was really good.

Kelly Anne, Kiki, Stephanie, and I

The next day we met up with my dear friend, Kelly Anne and her sister in law, Kiki, at Japantown. Kelly Anne is a fellow crafter and we met through Instagram a few years ago. We wanted to meet up at Disneyland back in December but she wound up being there just a few days before our trip was scheduled. So I was super excited to finally get to meet her. Kelly and Kiki are oh-so-cute and were so much fun. I had the best time hanging out in Japantown even though the weather was atrocious. First we went to Daiso (my fave) and loaded up on goodies. I wish they had a store in Phoenix because everything there is the cutest. After we shopped we took a bunch of buddy pics since we knew the rain was coming soon. Kelly had the most amazing camera and it made all of us look tops blooby :)

Next we got crepes at Sophie's Crepes and got a chance to sit down and chat. We all got along like peanut butter and jelly (or jelly and jelly). There were lots of cute doggies around and I was in love with all of them. After lunch we went to a purikura (a Japanese photo booth) called PikaPika and took pictures. PikaPika is my FAVORITE part of Japantown and it was such a blast. You only have about 3 seconds between photos to decide on a pose so it's kind of stressful but the photos always turn out hilarious. After you take your pictures you get to decorate them and I gotta say, ours turned out SO GOOD!



It was just such a fun day and I wish we could have hung out longer but by 4:30pm a huge storm came in and it started raining like CRAZY which made it difficult for us to decide where to go next so we wound up just going home :( In retrospect we realized we should've gone to Kiki's place and hung out or gone back to Stephanie's house since it wasn't super far away but the rain made it hard to think clearly. D'oh! At least the time we all spent together was quality time. I already can't wait to see everyone again. We're talking about a future Disneyland meet up (that would be EPIC).

On the last day of my visit Stephanie, Manda, and I went on our first cable car ride and it was super fun. We got roundtrip tickets and rode the train up Powell to Fisherman's Wharf. This day we were blessed with nice weather and didn't get rained on the whole time we were walking around downtown. By the time we got to Fisherman's Wharf we were ready for some lunch so we stopped at a place called Boudin that's world famous for their sourdough bread. It was totally packed in this place but we got our food relatively quickly. I got a margarita pizza and they both got grilled cheeses and tomato soup. After lunch we walked down to Ghirardelli Square and loaded up on chocolate. It was just a relaxing and chill day and I had a great time. The line to get back on the cable car was kind of a nightmare but at least I was in good company (there was also a guy playing guitar outside so that helped the time go by). The ride down the hill was really cool and I was surprised how hard the guys had to work to just to get the thing to stop at traffic lights. By the end of our ride it had finally started to rain but we still wanted to take some pictures in the photo booth at Forever21 (it's become a tradition) so we dashed through the rain anyway.

 I'm so thankful for the internet for brining all of these wonderful people into my life. I feel so lucky to have so many amazing friends all over the world who I can visit and go on fun adventures with. I wish I could see them more often but it's cool to be able to communicate with each other anytime online. Not too long ago I could count all of my friends on one hand but in the past few years I've met so many incredible people and I'm so lucky to have such supportive and loving people in my life. They're all so special to me and I love them dearly. Thank you, Stephanie and Manda for taking such good care of me this past weekend. I can't wait to see you both again!

Renaissance Festival

 

 This past Sunday I went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time in about 10 years. In about 15 minutes I quickly remembered why I hadn't been to the Renaissance Festival in 10 years, haha. Nonetheless, let me tell you about our day.

 

 

The day started out kind of on the wrong foot when I woke up with a sour stomach. On top of that, I decided to not wear a wig at the last minute so that meant I had to wash and curl my hair which caused me to be late to Jackie's house. We carpooled to Michelle's house and then she drove us from there. We arrived around 11am and it was already pretty warm as we entered the fair. Almost immediately people were shouting things and harassing me (this would continue for the rest of the day). I guess I'd get harassed less in these types of situations if I didn't wear a costume and blended more into the crowd but I really only wanted to go so I could dress up as an elf for the day. All day I had to endure, "HEY YOU, WITH THE EARS!" If you have social anxiety like me, you know how much we hate loud noises and how much we reallllly hate loud noises that are directed at us. So all day I was uncomfortable and wished I could hide from all these obnoxious people. :(

 

We watched two shows that day and the first one was an acrobatics show. There were three performers and they balanced on each other and on buckets and stuff. This show made me verrrry nervous. When people aren't nervous for their own safety, I get anxiety on their behalf. This show lasted about 20-30 minutes and the whole time I'm just waiting for one of them to fall on their face. It was not good times.

 

 

The next show we went to was a comedy show called "Hey Nunny Nunny" which is mostly puns about nuns and Catholicism. I'm not really into "jokes" per se so I was probably the only person there not laughing my buns off. People were seriously howling with laughter while I'm like, "Errrmmm..." Idk, maybe I've become a comedy snob. I have a pretty specific taste in comedy (ie: Larry David, Aziz Ansari, Demetri Martin, The Flight of the Conchords, Louis CK) so most comedy is wasted on me.

 

The best part of the day was sitting in these cool Sky Chairs. They were so comfy and relaxing; if I had a porch to attach one to, I'd totally get one. We just sat and chilled in these chairs for about half an hour and it was sooooo nice to be in the shade with a light breeze on your face. I didn't end up eating anything til after we left the park since I still didn't feel so great and all they had to eat was greasy fried foods (not my jam--I'm kind of a health nut). It didn't help that I'm vegetarian either so I just fasted until about 5pm and was near death. But that was a better option for me than hurling at the Renaissance Festival. The last attraction we saw was the "Living Mermaid" which had the longest line. We had to wait for about 30 mostly unshaded minutes and tbh, it was kind of a let down once we finally got inside (this is the bummerest post ever). On the way home we stopped at one of my favorite restaurants, Chopsticks Express, and I got a giant order of honey tofu (which I scarfed down in the car) just before I dropped dead.

 

So yeah, I think I'm good for another 10 years as far as the Renaissance Festival is concerned. Next week is going to be amazing, though. Next Thursday I'm flying to San Francisco to see my bunny Stephanie (Twinkie-Chan) and also to meet my other bunny, Kelly Anne (TinyTangerines) for a girls weekend. It's going to be the BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

 

 

 

 

Sage of Wisdom (teeth)

One month ago today I had three of my wisdom teeth removed and boy, has it been rough. I got the procedure done on a Friday and by Monday the left side of my lip and chin were still completely numb so I panicked and called the oral surgeon. He explained how my lower wisdom teeth were so impacted that on a scale of one to ten, they were tens and that made their removal very difficult, however, he said the nerves were intact and "perfect" and that the surgery was a great success. He said numbness was to be expected in a case like mine but it would only be temporary and not to worry.

I thought I'd be back to normal in a week or two...NOPE! The pain was so intense and I would wake up 4-5 times a night in horrible pain. There were days when I'd come home from an 8 hour shift of having to talk on the phone and smile all day and just cry for an hour because I was in so much pain. I don't like to take medication but I had no choice but to take the pain pills they prescribed me. However, those didn't even alleviate all of the pain. I'm pretty sure they had to remove some of the bone tissue in order to extract the teeth because my recovery has been a very slow one and my jaw bone still aches. Besides the pain, though, the loss of feeling in my face has been distressing me the most.

On the 5th of this month I went back in for my follow up appointment and a different surgeon assessed me. He said that the extraction sites were healing "wonderfully" and then he did a test on me to see how bad the paresthesia (numbness) was. He pretty much poked my chin with a small needle and asked me if I could feel it then he dragged it up/down or left/right and asked me which direction it was moving in. I passed all the tests and he confirmed that the paresthesia was only slight at this point and that that was a good sign. He said if my face was still completely numb it would be cause for alarm but since I have regained a lot of feeling that it should only be temporary. Then he said I could feel back to normal in a week or in six more weeks (yikes). So today I hit the 4th week and am just ready for this to be over. I had pizza last night at a friend's house and my jaw still hurt a lot afterwards. I was also really self-conscious that I might have food on my face that I couldn't feel.

I hope that the doctor was right and that my nerves will heal themselves because this honestly has been such a nightmare. I've never experienced so much pain before and it's been so scary not knowing if I'll ever get all of the feeling back in my face again. If I had it to do over again, I don't even know if I would've had the procedure. Before they did the surgery they told me that there was a 15% chance that I would have nerve damage since my wisdom teeth sat right on top of the nerve and were fully developed since I'm in my 30s but I never thought that I'd actually fall into that 15%.

Before the surgery I was pretty hopeful that 2016 was going to be the year I started dating again and possibly started a new relationship but now that my face is all jacked up...I don't know when I'll feel up to it. A guy online messaged me just a week after the procedure and wanted to take me on a date but I told him about my situation and said I'd need some time to recover. At first he said he didn't mind waiting but then he started messaging me everyday asking me if I was well yet. It put too much pressure on me to heal quickly that I just stopped talking to him. It would've been nice to have someone to go out with on Valentine's Day but I don't really want to go on any dates until I've healed.

So that's what's been going on with me for the past few weeks. If you can send any positive energy my way, I'd really appreciate it. I just want to feel like myself again :( You don't really appreciate your health until something happens to compromise it.

Disneyland Part 2

A wild Twinkie-chan has appeared!

Sorry it's taken me forever and a day to continue my Disneyland story but I had my wisdom teeth taken out the week after I got back and have been feeling pretty shitty ever since (which I will write about in my next post). The second day we went to the park we got a pretty late start. We didn't leave the hotel until about 11:30 and got to Downtown Disney around noon. Stephanie needed caffeine in a bad way so we stopped and she got a latte but then we remembered that they won't let you back into the park with a beverage so we hung out in Downtown Disney while she had some breakfast. We entered the park around 1 o'clock and it was pretty much pandemonium. I had never seen so many people at Disneyland in my LIFE (and I've been going every year since I was a bebe). A huge parade was starting on Main Street so they had to herd all of us through this secret door I'd never been through before and we all migrated towards Tomorrowland. As a person with social anxiety, this was a pretty uncomfortable situation. We were completely walled in a sea of people and everyone was pushing and shoving in every direction.

Gramma Courtney needs a sammich

Somehow, we managed to get to Space Mountain where we'd hoped to get Fast Passes but of course we were waaaaaaay too late for that. The standby line had an estimated 80 minute wait so we decided to bite the bullet and just get in it. Well, 140 minutes later we finally got to ride it and I was about to drop dead from not having eaten yet. Stephanie's friend Danielle (ahoymiss) also happened to be at the park that day so we met her at the Jolly Holiday and I got another caprese and tomato sandwich. I was really excited to meet Danielle since I'd been following her on Instagram for a few years (she has one of the dreamiest IG accounts ever). She was there with her bf and his family so they could only meet us for a late lunch/early dinner but it was a very nice visit.

By the time we finished eating it was already dusk so we took barely any pictures that day (to my great disappointment). We made our way over to Adventureland and got in line for Indiana Jones and then things got wacky for a while. First of all, the line was out of control. They had us wait in this labyrinth of a line over by the Jungle Cruise before moving us back to the regular line. When we got in the normal line, though, they turned all the lights on super bright and said that the ride was temporarily closed due to a "routine procedure" so either somebody barfed all over the ride or there was a celebrity on it because they turned the lights on like that and repeated that same message 4 times. Most people left the line but we decided to tough it out since weren't in a big hurry to go on anything else.

I look a little cray cray in this photo

I think all day we only managed to go on a grand total of eight rides. If we hadn't gone the day before too I think we would've been majorly bummed by this but since we'd already gone on everything Friday it wasn't that big of a deal. One thing of note that happened on Saturday was that Stephanie had her first Dole Whip. I wish we'd been able to get one during the day when it wasn't freezing but the line is always a nightmare during the day so when we passed by it again around eight o'clock  there was NO LINE AT ALL. We hoped we could find somewhere inside to sit and eat them but there really isn't any indoor seating in Adventureland so we had to just freeze our buts and guts off outside.

The rest of the night is kind of a blur but what I do remember is that we went to Denny's afterwards for a late supper. I was dying again from lack of protein so I decided to order the loaded veggie omelet since it said it has 20 grams of protein (daaaaammmn!). My whole life I've hated eggs but after being forced to eat so many both in Thailand and in England (both places weren't very vegetarian friendly so my protein options were pretty limited) I've kind of developed a taste for them. Stephanie wound up ordering one too and we both inhaled them! I rarely eat all of my food but that day I was a member of the Clean Plate Club.

Accidental Matching

The next day our flights were scheduled in the late afternoon but check out was at 11am so we killed some time at a Coffee Bean and Tealeaf across the street from our hotel. Luckily, it was really slow on a Sunday because we hung out in there for like, 2 hours. Before we knew it, we were saying goodbye at the airport and going to our separate terminals. I honestly missed Stephanie the moment she left and when I got to my gate and checked my Instagram she had left me a comment saying she missed me already too, haha! I'm so glad that I've found someone who I get along with so well and who is so much fun to be around. We're talking about going to Japan this fall for her birthday so that's my next adventure I'll be dreaming about. I've wanted to go to Japan my whole life so that would be an amazing trip to get to take together.

I hope 2016 treats you all well and that it's filled with lots of good times and lots of adventures!

Xoxo,
Courtney

Disneyland Part 1

 This past weekend I went on holiday with one of my favorite humans to one of my all-time favorite places: Disneyland. The park was insanely crowded due to the Christmas season and the 60th anniversary celebration but we still had tons of fun. Let me tell you about my mini-break with my very good friend, Twinkie-Chan.

 Since neither one of us wanted to drive solo to Anaheim, we both decided to fly to LAX and meet at the airport. From there we took a Super Shuttle to our hotel. There was a buttload of traffic so it took us over an hour to get there but that was cool because we hadn't seen each other since June and had lots to talk about. It was a little weird though, because we had a family sitting behind us who basically listened to our entire conversation (I hate when people do that). When we got to the hotel, Stephanie had some little gifties for me so I opened them before we went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. She got me this suuuuper cute Pikachu camera, a lapel pin, some lip balm and a book and some candy. I love her lots!

 On Friday I was pretty much up with the dawn since I'm used to having to be at work at 8am but Stephanie is a creature of the night so we didn't wind up getting to the park til about 10:30am. Since the line to Space Mountain is my absolute LEAST favorite to wait in, we immediately got a Fast Pass from there and then hopped in line for the Matterhorn. I hadn't been on the Matterhorn since fall of last year so I was totally surprised by the update to the ride. When the yeti was staring at us from behind these ice windows I'll admit that I emitted a little shriek and then when you see him up close I let out a big shriek. I pride myself on my Disney knowledge and expertise so I was shocked that I hadn't heard anything about the new yeti.

Later that afternoon we met up with my friend, Melanie (owner of Femme de Bloom) and her friends Matt and Jasmine (who were all super nice and fun). We all went on Indiana Jones together and then stopped at the Jolly Holiday Bakery for a late lunch. I got a tomato and caprese sandwich that was hella good and a lemonade. I'm happy that Disneyland has started offering a variety of vegetarian options even though I ate this sandwich two days in a row because it was that yummy. As soon as the sun started to go down it got windy as heck and really really cold so we had to haul ass to our lockers and change. Luckily, I'd brought my fleece leggings, gloves and my down jacket or I think I would've died. It got down to 43 degrees that night but it felt like 35 to me. But I shouldn't complain because we thought it was going to rain all day and it never really did. Both of us would have been in a tight spot if it had rained. My hair turns into a frizzy mess and Stephanie's hair spray solidifies when it gets wet.

One major bummer of the trip is that we kind of failed in the picture taking department. I think we got maybe 30 photos total when normally I take 100+ (I'm especially disappointed in myself since I had about 4 cameras on my person the whole trip). But I guess it's proof that we were having a good time since we didn't have time to take a million pictures. On the last trip I went on I took about a thousand photos since the person I was traveling with pretty much didn't talk to me the whole time (yikes!). I am disappointed we didn't stop and get our pic with Donald in his Christmas sweater, though. We kept thinking we'd see a whole bunch of characters but ultimately wound up being trapped in lines most of the day.

That night was a momentous occasion for Stephanie because she had her very first DOLE WHIP. We'd passed the stand several times that day but the line was too gianormous. That night when we were making our way over to Pirates of the Caribbean we passed it again and there was NO LINE (probably because it was cold as hell outside) so I managed to talk her into one. Later that night we were talking and Stephanie said she'd never been on the Disneyland Express so of course we HAD to go on it. I told her it had the Grand Canyon and dinosaurs and was really kitschy and weird. Once we got on the train I worried that I'd talked it up too much and she was going to think it was the lamest thing ever (also, I'd forgotten the dinosaur part was between Tomorrowland and Main Street when we had wanted to get off at Fantasyland--oops!) but luckily she dug it! She was like, "TOTALLY WORTH IT!" It was adorable. We had planned on staying til close but by about 9:30pm we were starving again and frozen so we left the park and boogied over to the nearest IHOP. I got a cheese quesadilla in case you wanted to know.

We went to the park again on Saturday so in my next post I'll tell you about day two! Thanks for reading!

Xoxo,
Courtney

Disneyland Bound

Winnie-the-Pooh Disneybound

This Thursday I will be taking a mini break and returning to my favorite place on Earth: Disneyland! Even though I was last at the park in October of last year, it still feels like AGES. I've been going to Disneyland every year (often twice a year) since I was 5 months old and I honestly never get tired of it. It's just such a magical place for me and it's always been a secret dream of mine to work for Disney in some capacity (mostly as a voice actor tbh). I wanted to enroll in their college program back when I was graduating from ASU but they told me that you can only apply if you're still currently enrolled in classes (but then a girl I graduated with got accepted into the program the following semester so I don't know how that works). Anywho, I'm super excited about this trip because I'll get to be reunited with my bunny, Stephanie (aka Twinkie-chan) and I also get to meet my internet bunny, Melanie, (owner of Femme de Bloom) for the first time.

Miss Twinkie-chan

I last saw Stephanie in June when I visited her in San Francisco. We had been internet buddies for a while (and she's been my craft hero for about 8 years) but got along in person like peas and carrots (not peas and guac). I absolutely adore her and can't wait for our first holiday trip together. She's never been to the park during Christmas time so I'm excited for her to see all of the decorations. Disney spares no expense when it comes to Christmas decorations and how they transform the Haunted Mansion into the Nightmare Before Christmas is pretty amazing.

Miss Melanie

My darling Melanie and I met through Instagram about 2 years ago. I'm amazed by all of the wonderful people I've met through Instagram. I've made so many friends and hope to get to meet more of them in person in the future. Melanie is such an inspiration to me, she really is a marvel. Not only does she go to school full time for a PHD in Psychology but she also teaches and runs a very successful craft business. On top of all of those achievements, she's 100% adorable and is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I'm so excited to spend some time with her at our favorite place and take 10 billion buddy pics. It's going to be THE BEST DAY EVER!

Stephanie and I will be going to the park again on Saturday and it'll be my first time going to the park 2 days in a row. Last year I did one day at the Magic Kingdom and then one day at California Adventure but this time we decided to do two days at the Magic Kingdom. California Adventure was cute but since tickets for both parks are the same price, we'd rather spend an extra day at the Magic Kingdom.

I found out recently that two other internet bunnies of mine, Kelly Anne and Andrea are going to be at the park close to the dates we'll be there but we're going to miss them by a hair. Such a bummer. There needs to be a day where all of my internet friends all meet at Disneyland and I get to hang with all of them at once. That's the DREAM.

Now I just have to decide what I'm going to wear. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Courtney and Jaden's Grand Day Out

Last Friday I got to spend some time with a very special girl, my darling Jaden. I have known Jaden since she was three years old and now she's (believe it or not) thirteen! Jaden was the first kid that I've really gotten to know and is like family to me. I grew up with an older brother who has always been very cold and distant to me so I'm happy to have found the baby sister I've dreamed about. It's been so fun watching her grow up and see how much she's changed over the years.

This particular Friday night I was feeling a bit lonely. I had worked my shift all by myself (and it was a very hectic day) and when I got home I remembered that all of my friends were either out of town or working the late shift. I like to doll myself up as self care when I'm feeling down so I put on some makeup and a new dress and had a mini photo shoot. I posted the pic above on my Instagram account and my lil Jaden immediately commented on it. Then I thought, "JADEN! Maybe I could hang out with Jaden!" I texted her and asked her if she had any plans, she said she didn't and we decided to go to the mall (my other girl friends--minus Melissa--hate going to the mall). I picked her up and we made a beeline for our favorite store, Hot Topic. I remember when Hot Topic opened when I was in high school and I never thought that I'd still be shopping there in my 30s, haha! It's not my fault that they have everything I like u_u

Anyway, J and I were gushing over the Disney section and one of the sales girls came up and talked to us. This particular girl always chats my ear off whenever I'm in there. Her and Jaden started talking and she then asked us what high school we went to!!!!! Jaden thought it was SO COOL that this girl thought she was in high school but I just started laughing like a hyena! The girl looked at me puzzled and I told her I was 31 years old. She told me that I looked GREAT and that made me happy. The rest of the time we were in the store I felt a little self conscious, though, since my age had been revealed and everyone could see me freaking out over Steven Universe stickers. But what can I say? I'm young at heart and that's part of my charm. Beneath my breast beats the heart of a 14 year old girl (not literally, of course). They have a bunch of Studio Ghibli stuff there now (my weakness) so I finally caved and bought this No Face plushie I've been wanting for ages.

Next we went to Barnes and Noble and looked at all of their Pop Dolls and then I perused the manga section (they had "My Love Story" and I wanted it SO BAD). Target was last on our list of stores to hit and it was tops blooby! Target is my favorite store. My only constructive criticism is that the women's section is just "meh" and the girl's section is "omg". Why do all the cutest things have to be in the kid's section? I don't get it!!!!!!

Anywho, Jaden got her very first eyebrow pencil and then we got kid's meals at Rubio's (I don't have a very big stomach so kid's meals are perfect for me). After dinner we went back to my house and Jaden watched her second Studio Ghibli movie and my all-time favorite, "Howl's Moving Castle". I love getting to share movies and shows I love with people. And it's great that she's at an age now where she can appreciate Miyazaki's movies. When the movie was over I took her home and gave her some of my smaller dresses that I've outgrown and she was so excited to wear them. The next day she sent me a selfie in one of the jumpers. It was the cutest! So yeah, it's great having someone in my life that I can be a positive influence on and who also helps me be more positive as well. Jaden is so energetic and so much fun to be around. I'm very lucky to have someone like her and her wonderful family in my life.

Only 5 more days to go til I leave for London! YAAAAAAY!

The Weekend

Curls and Croptops

This weekend was the busiest weekend I've had in many moons. I did have lots of fun but today my battery is running extremely low (introvert here). Let me tell you about it.

Friday night I went over to Rosalynn's house to hang out with her and the kiddos, including their exchange student, Maria, who just arrived 3 weeks ago from Spain. We wound up having a pretty intense game night and Maria turned out to be a natural at video games. First we played Mario Kart and then Nintendoland. I hadn't played Nintendoland in years and I'd forgotten how much fun it was. One of the games is kind of like hide and seek and Maria totally dominated all of us. Rosalynn's eldest daughter is 13 and Maria is 15 so it's nice for Jaden to have a girl slightly older to look up to. Maria is so mature for her age and extremely sweet and intelligent. I've recently been thinking about possibly going abroad next year to teach English but am apprehensive since I'm terrified to go live in a foreign country by myself but Maria is adjusting extremely well. I'm really excited to get to spend time with and get to know such an amazing young lady.

Roz and I at The Yard

Saturday was UNBEARABLY hot (113 degrees) and I felt lazy and sluggish all afternoon. Rosalynn had invited me to go with her and Ian to a mutual friend's birthday party at The Yard but since it was so hot I was considering just hiding out in my house all day. I had never been to The Yard, though, so after Googling it, I decided it looked pretty cool and was only 15 minutes away from my house in case I got too hot and needed to come home. I got there around 9pm and it was an absolute ZOO! Luckily, they had complimentary valet parking or I would've had to go home (I have major parking anxiety). The Yard has a restaurant (Culinary Dropout), a bar with live music on weekends, and then a huge game area where you can play ping pong, shuffle board, bean bags, and fooseball. The gaming area had fans and misters but no A/C so we had to go into the bar every now and then so we didn't die. I had Chipotle beforehand since I'm vegetarian and I wasn't sure they'd have anything for me to eat so I can't tell you if their food was good or not but I did have some of Roz's fries and they had the most amazing ranch dipping sauce--OMG! It had garlic and dill in it and I wanted to drink it.

Roz and Ian destroyed us at shuffle board

Shortly before closing time the boys got into the most intense game of fooseball I've ever seen. While they were playing a couple of drunk dudes came up to them and pretty much started accosting them. One was rubbing the fringe of his shirt all over one of the guys and breathing in his face. He got so annoying that they challenged him to a game and said if they won that he had to give up his hideous fringed shirt. It got pretty crazy and the ball was flying off the table like crazy. I honestly was worried that a fight was going to break loose. Our team inevitably won and the guy was hesitant to give up his shirt. He eventually conceded but the bouncer immediately made him put it back on. It was pretty nutzo and further evidence that boys are just weird.

Pizza Time!

One thing that was a bit of a bummer was that (as per usual) I was the only single person at the party. Everyone came with a partner except me and the older I get it seems like anywhere I go, I'm the only single person in the room. The next morning this hit me like a ton of bricks and I got the sads really bad. I miss affection. I miss holding hands, forehead kisses, having someone's arm around me, heck, I miss simply having a warm body next to me. Not that I got that a lot in my past relationship (he was really weird about showing me any kind of affection in public) but it would be nice to have someone I felt comfortable being affectionate with. Sigh...

Anyway, I had been invited to another birthday party that afternoon at Peter Piper Pizza but wasn't really in a party mood. Michelle texted me and asked me if I was gonna go and I told her I was having a sad girl day. She texted back and said "let pizza, cake, and children's laughter make you feel better" and I thought, she's right. I don't want to stay in bed all day feeling shitty about my love life. So I hoisted myself out of my pit of despair and went to the toy store to get the birthday girl, Mia, some toys. I hadn't seen Mia in a year, so I was a bit worried she wouldn't remember me (she only just turned 4) but as soon as I walked in the door she was like "COURTNEY'S HERE!" It warmed my icy cold heart out of my funk and I ended up having a lot of fun. I'd even say it was the funnest kid party I've been to in recent memory. I think we even had more fun playing games than she did!

Barbie Time!

So yeah, yesterday was a good example of just because you had a bad morning doesn't mean you're going to have a bad afternoon, evening, etc. I really am lucky to have such amazing friends. Even though I've been pretty fail in the romantic relationship department I've been #blessed with my platonic relationships :)

At the end of the month I will be dog sitting for a friend at work and I'm very excited to say it's for a PUG! So prepare yourself for lots of pug selfies. Thanks for reading! XOXO!