The Return of the Blogger (Again)

So...it has been forever and a day since my last blog post and as you can imagine, a lot has changed.

In the past few months I have journeyed to Japan and back again, had several meltdowns, quit my soul-crushing job and have decided to take a risk and move to southern California. It's pretty amazing how much your life can change in just a few short months. If you remember my last post from September you'll know that my job was causing me a lot of mental (and physical distress). At the beginning of 2016 I was feeling pretty burnt out in my position as a concierge at a high-end retirement home and was ready to look for a new job. However, being a naturally lazy person who also tends to avoid change, I wasn't looking very hard. My employer was 10 minutes away from my house, I had a relatively easy job and everyone seemed to like me. But I was bored. And people with anxiety don't do well with boredom. We will fill that time with thoughts of dread and regret. It's not pretty. However, as I was contemplating leaving my job an opening in a different department opened up. I wasn't necessarily jazzed about this new job but it would be change of pace and I might learn some new skills. If I'd only known then what a mess I was getting myself into.

On my first day in my new position I had a panic attack and knew I'd made a huge mistake. This job wasn't what I'd signed up for and I felt I'd been deceived. Over the course of a few months they completely changed my job description (to save money of course) and I was told that I could either adapt to these changes or I could leave. Around this time I had already bought my plane ticket to Japan and with my anxiety, I can only really handle one big thing at a time so I decided I would tough it out with this job and after my trip I would start looking for a new job and preferably one in California. 

This might not have been the best decision because the proceeding 10 months were some of the most miserable months of my life. Everyday I'd wake up and dread the day ahead of me. Almost everyday was a bad one. And it's so emotionally exhausting having to "be on" 8 hours a day and have to pretend to be happy and cheerful when internally you're screaming. As the months went on my anxiety worsened, my stomach aches returned (which caused me to lose all the weight I was so happy to put on the year before), and my depression intensified. I hadn't been this depressed and anxious in almost 10 years. All of the progress I had made with my mental health seemed to slip right through my fingers. 

This is probably where I should tell you what this job was so you can understand why it was affecting me the way it did. Originally, I signed up for a job in the activities department at the senior home I worked at. I was told that I would be planning fun events and outings for the old folks as well as some administrative work like making flyers and such. This department was also responsible for helping the seniors with technology questions but that was supposedly only a small portion of the job. I was hired for the independent living side with all of the residents that I'd known for years but after I'd already accepted the job I was told I was going to be spending some of my time at the assisted living side too. Some time turned into half of my day everyday. 

I'm a very sensitive person and also a hypochondriac so this was not good news for me. The job at the assisted living side was night and day to the one at the independent side. For 4 hours a day I had to work in a hospital with sick people, many of which had very advanced dementia and it completely broke my heart. I felt like Siddhartha seeing a dying person for the first time. This was all totally new for me and hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't just being in this kind of environment that got to me, it was the fact that I had to entertain a room full of people everyday! For several hours a day, I was the entertainment. As a person with social anxiety disorder, this was a NIGHTMARE. This was a sink or swim situation and I was drowning. I would feel sick to my stomach the moment I woke up in the morning because I knew I had to get up and teach the exercise class or the art class (I never ever wanted to be a teacher). On top of that, I became responsible for having to interview the incoming patients so I had to go into their rooms and every time I worried I was going to catch whatever illness the person had. By the time I would get back to my office at the independent side I would be so drained but I'd have notes, emails and voicemails waiting to be answered. 

I told my boss I was feeling overwhelmed and unhappy in this position and he told me that if I ever needed help, to just ask for it, that we were all a team. A family. This I would soon find not to be true. About one month ago I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life and had to go home sick. It was a major wake up call that I couldn't go on like this much longer. If I continued on this path, I was going to end up in the hospital. A few days after my panic attack I was feeling extremely fragile mentally but tried to act "normal" at work. Someone was having trouble with their computer but it was a Mac and my knowledge of Macs is very limited since I've always been a PC user so I asked my boss if he could help this person. My boss decided this was too much and started spewing all of these cliche buzzwords at me telling me I needed to "step up to the plate" and stop asking for help all the time (I only ask for help when I have no other options). For 30 minutes I pretty much got told I wasn't working hard enough and that I either "step up my game" or transfer to another department. 

After all the misery I'd endured for nearly a year I was being told I wasn't working hard enough! I knew this job was a horrible fit from Day 1 but I tried my best to make it work. For the millionth time I came home in tears and my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him how my boss didn't respect me and told me I needed to work harder. It was then that my dad said something I did not expect. He said, "You have to quit. Tomorrow." I was stunned to hear this coming from the man who had always drilled into me that you never leave a job without another one lined up. He said I couldn't work for this man anymore now that I knew how he really felt about me, and especially when this job A.) hardly paid anything B.) was making me ill. He said life was too short to be so miserable and this was the Universe's way of telling me it was time to leave.

The next day I plucked up my courage and handed in my resignation. And get THIS! The whole time this guy could not hide his elation! He smiled and laughed through the whole thing! It was ludicrous! I don't think I've ever had a boss react so unprofessionally to me resigning from a job. 

As you an imagine, word spread like wildfire that I had quit. For the next few days the seniors stopped me and told me how much I'd meant to them and how my smile always brightened their day. A big part of me had felt like I'd wasted the past 3 1/2 years of my life at this community and that all of my efforts were in vain but the seniors changed my mind. I was important. I did matter. I had made a difference in people's lives at the end of their lives. Everyone wished me well and told me that I was going to succeed in whatever direction I chose to go in. 

So now here I am, 2 weeks later. In about 2 months or so I will be packing my life up once again and moving to California. To be perfectly honest, I'm pretty terrified going out into the unknown again but for some reason this time it feels different. I feel like this time everything is going to be okay. My original plan was to find a job before moving but I've changed my mind and decided to just pack up and leave. It would be too stressful to have to drive back and forth to LA for interviews (if I even got any since most employers don't even look at your resume if they see you're out of state) and have to stay at a motel alone. And this time is different than the other times I've moved because this time I have a lot more saved up so I don't have to feel so desperate to find a job as soon as I get there. I can afford to be picky this time. And this time I'm moving somewhere that I already have friends at, friends who have told me they can't wait for me to get there. 

I hope the Universe has a plan for me and that things will work out this time. I know the next few months will be hard but I'm stronger now and I know myself better than I did 4 years ago. I'm going to try to stop doubting myself so much and have more confidence in myself and my abilities. 

Thank you for reading this and for believing in me. The support of my family and friends has meant so much to me during these troubled times.

In my next post, I'm going to finally write about my trip to Japan before I start to forget everything! See you next time! 

August 2016

I hate writing super negative posts but things have been pretty crummy for me lately and I'm hoping that writing about it might help a bit. I'm not sure why but the Universe has been kicking my butt this summer. My anxiety and depression have been pretty bad the past couple weeks (months) due to all the stress. The main stressor is that I've been having a lot of family drama. About a month ago my mom decided she was going to make my life a living hell and has been horrible to me everyday since. Her mood has been so hostile and she's constantly fighting with me or my dad. It's gotten to the point where I dread going home after work because there's so much tension in my house. I feel like I'm imprisoned in my own home. My dad said I should start looking for new place to live (I had been my mom's caregiver until last year when my dad retired and have been saving up money for the past year) but now I'm not sure which direction I want to go in. My original plan was to move to Scottsdale and buy a small condo but now I don't think I even want to stay in Arizona. I've regretted moving back here for the past 4 years. I don't really feel like anything good has happened since I came back. The only significant thing that's happened is that I've been able to travel and get some stamps in my passport but other than that I've been pretty bored.

I just feel like everyone around me has had their lives change so much in the past 4-5 years while mine has kind of been frozen in time. My friends have gotten married, had babies, bought houses, gotten real grown up jobs, etc but my life hasn't really changed at all. I really haven't had any significant life events and that bothers me. So I think I might've overstayed my welcome here in AZ. I just don't feel like I belong here. But the hard part is figuring out where I do belong and where I could thrive. 

To be honest, I've always wanted to live in California. Yes, I know it's expensive and the traffic is crazy. But I've wanted to live there since I was a little girl. I think just being near Disneyland and the ocean would really improve my quality of life. So after I get back from Japan I'm going to start looking for jobs in California and see if maybe I can get something going over there. I don't want to move without a job lined up again. I've done that twice and both times it was a bad experience. Having to pay rent every month when you have no income coming in is the worst. I usually get so stressed out that I end up taking whatever job I can get and then once you're in that job it's hard to get out and go to interviews without them knowing something is up. Plus, I'll need a job established before anyone will rent an apartment to me. My brother tried moving to LA last year with a couple of his friends and since they didn't have jobs there no one would sign a lease with them. So yeah, I've learned from my past mistakes and hopefully, things will work out better this time.

Another contributor to my lousy disposition lately has been my day job. My job duties have turned out to be completely different than the job I was hired for. I've become one of the million of Americans who hate their jobs and I totally get the whole "I hate Mondays" thing now. But I also think that everything happens for a reason so I guess this is another sign from the Universe that I'm supposed to move on to something else. If everything was perfect here, if I liked my job, had found a partner, and was generally content with my life in AZ I wouldn't be motivated to move. But none of those things have happened so that's a good indicator that I might be better off somewhere else. One thing I do know is that if I move out of state, I'm not going to return to Arizona again and I'm certainly not going to move back in with my family again. Like, ever. 

So yeah, I have a lot of things to think about and important life changes to ponder over the next few months. But maybe that means that 2017 will be better. Maybe that's the year that things will start to turn around. 

To end this post on a more positive note, only 4 more weeks until my trip to Japan. To be honest, that's the only thing I've been looking forward to this summer. I can't wait to see my precious Twinkie-Chan's face again. 

It's going to be pretty pretty pretty good. 

Mercury in Retrograde

President of the Sad Girls Club

Things have been...weird lately. I've had two moods for the past week--sad or mad and it's made being at work very difficult since the majority of my job is me being a smiling face to greet everyone and help them with their problems. But what about Courtney's problems, huh? What about that? Thank the gods I have a handful of really good friends that I've been able to talk to about my moodiness this week or I wouldn't know what to do. As I've gotten older (and wiser) I've gotten to the point where it's easier to identify who my true friends are. I may have my down days but I love myself enough now to know when I'm not being treated right. I was talking to my friend at work and she was telling me that I'm way too smart of a lady to allow anyone to make me feel like I'm not good enough or successful enough to be their friend. And although I know this in my heart it's good to hear it from someone else, ya know? Once I turned 30 something inside me just clicked and I was just done with people's bullshit. I can't stomach phony people anymore. I only want to have people in my life who are real and who I can really share things with. I don't have time for "fair weather" friends who are only there when things are good. Life is hard and you need to have people in your life who you can count on and who can rely on you. I heard a quote once that said, "A good friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body." Now that's a little extreme, but you get the idea.

In other news, last weekend Michelle and I went on our first "new bf 2k15" mission and it was kind of a bust. Hanging out at her house and talking before we went out was awesome but then we went to The Duce. Normally we go in a group of 4 or more people but this time it was just the two of us and it was a totally different vibe. First we just sat down and chatted because we weren't feeling the song that was playing. While we were sitting there two guys approached us and I just got really weird and uncomfortable. Maybe it would've been different if they'd been cute but idk, as soon as they approached us all I wanted was for them to go away. That's when I realized that maybe this isn't the best route for me to take. Having one of my best friends witnessing how awkward and shy I get around boys was the WORST because I'm a totally different person with my friends than I am around strangers (especially male strangers). Eventually a song we liked was playing so we danced for a bit but then they played a lousy song and everyone dispersed from the dance floor. I did a quick scan of the place and didn't fancy any of the boys so we decided to check out Crescent Ballroom instead. There wasn't a DJ or any shows going on so everyone was hanging out on the patio. I got a bottle of Coke like a major dweeb and we found a spot to hang out and chat. Again, I just felt uncomfortable and out of place. Bars just aren't my scene and I felt like I wasn't able to give Michelle my full attention because I was trying to patrol for cuties at the same time. Michelle is one of my favorite people in the whole world and I started to resent this bar for taking my attention away from her and our conversation. Anyway, I got home around 1am and in a pretty discouraged mood.

I try to be in tune with the Universe and be conscious when it's trying to communicate something to me and I felt very strongly that night that bars and clubs aren't the place I'm going to find my match in. But where the heck is he? I was talking to Melissa about this quandary and she said that this dude needs to put in some bloody work too, that it shouldn't be 100% my responsibility to find him. I'm a very special girl and I shouldn't have to work so hard to find a decent man. However, then I think to myself, "Maybe the reason I keep running into dead ends with men here is because I'm looking in the wrong place. Maybe there's a reason I've developed such a wanderlust lately. Perhaps I'm meant to meet my person during my travels." (I can be a hopeless romantic at times).

So anyway, the moral of this story is that I've discovered bars aren't the way to go but not to lose hope entirely. I think for next month's outing we'll try joining a Meetup group or something.

Before I close, I'd 'd like to list 3 things that have happened recently that have made me happy since this happens to be Mental Health Awareness Week:

1.) It's a small victory but I beat my buddies at Mario Kart three times in a row last night. It made me feel really good after having such a poop day.
2.) I bought myself some super cute sandals that look just like a pair I had when I was little.
3.) A senior at work told me on Tuesday that I was one of the kindest people she knows

Well, that's all for now. I hope you are enjoying your Thursday and in case you're not, hang in there! We've almost made it to the weekend :)

Melancholy Baby

I've gotta be real here, I'm still bummin'. The past few weeks have been all full of suck. I've been trying to keep a positive attitude but it can be really difficult when shitty things are happening on a regular basis. I've been stuck in a rut and not doing a very good job of hoisting myself out of it.

First, I had a falling out with a dude who I really wasn't even friends with. I won't get into the specifics but he was treating me pretty shitty and when I finally spoke up about it he got all bent out of shape and pretty much cyber-bullied me. It was really childish and was another reality check of why I don't have any hetero male friends. It's just too complicated and weird. I'm trying really hard not to be a man-hater but the men in my life aren't giving me much reason not to be. I can count the decent men I know on one hand and that's really depressing.

On top of that I've been feeling pretty down about my career. As much as I love making art I'm at a point in my life where I need more financial stability that art just isn't providing for me. I'm not going hungry or anything but being poor for long has been pretty taxing on me. To be perfectly honest, I'm very unhappy with my living situation and would like to get my own place in the not too distant future. However, in order to do this my current day job would have to become full-time (and who knows when or if that will ever happen) or I have to start looking for a different job and the prospect of having to change my life around again has been pretty stressful. I hate looking for new jobs like the plague but then on the other hand, the idea of doing my current job at the retirement home 40 hours a week is pretty daunting as well.

My original life plan was to meet a man with a good head on his shoulders and we'd find our way together but that's the thing about plans, they never work out. I'm finding out that I'm on my own here and I need to start figuring out how I'm going to take care of myself. I can't keep waiting for some dude to come along and save me or whatever. And I love my family but I've gotten to an age where I just can't handle seeing them every single day. I've pretty much become my mother's care giver and she only really speaks to me when she needs something from me. Whenever I try to talk about how I'm feeling or what's going on in my life she turns up the volume on the tv and totally tunes me out. My dad and I get along very well but I rarely see him these days and when I do talk to him all he can tell me is that everything is going to work out and not to worry about anything. He's retiring this upcoming spring so he's been working as much as he possibly can to save money. It'll be a relief when he's home to take care of my mother so I can get my freedom back and won't have to feel guilty anytime I want to go out with my friends.

I don't know. Do you ever look at your life and wonder what the heck happened or where did the time go? It feels like I just got back from Seattle but that was almost 2 years ago already. I would've thought that by now I'd have some idea of what I want to do with my life but I feel just as lost as ever. If you would've asked me at 12 years old what my life would be like at 30 years old I probably would've said that I'd be a professional artist with a good husband and probably a kid or two (ew). Not in a billion years did would I ever have thought I'd develop social anxiety at 14 and it would completely turn my life upside down. I know I've made tremendous progress with my disorder but there are days where I still feel like a fuck-up. People like to say that we create our own reality; if that's true, I'm creating a pretty shitty reality for myself. I guess I just need to trust in the Universe and myself more. Things might be tough right now but life has a way of balancing itself out again.

The shining light through this bummer time of my life have been my friends. I might not have a lot of friends but they ones I do have are true blue. I'm very lucky to have found such wonderful people who really love me and understand me. It's comforting to know that I'm not completely alone in the world. I do have people out there rooting for me and who will love me regardless if I ever become a famous artist. I may be unlucky in love in the romantic department but I think I've done pretty well in platonic love.

Okies, well, I'm gonna try to keep my chin up and stay as positive as I can. But if any of you could spare some positive vibes, I'd really appreciate it! Take care, friends!

Love,
Iggy

"P" is for Positivity (and Pizza)

I've been pretty bummin' lately with all of the crazy things going on in the world (Gaza, Ferguson, the death of Robin Williams) so I thought I'd do a post centering around all of the positive things in my life. Sound like a good idea?

I thought so too.

So here's a short list of positive aspects of my life and things that make me happy:

*I'm healthy. I am so fortunate to have a healthy body and am so thankful that it takes care of me. A year ago I started exercising regularly after having an injury and it has really helped to strengthen my body and calm my mind. Taking care of your body is super important and you feel so much better physically and mentally when your body is well cared for.

*My family. Of course my family can drive me absolutely crazy at times but I really am lucky to have them (minus the demon brother). My parents are two of the kindest people I know and have been so good to me. They've supported me through every decision (good and bad) that I've been inclined to make and have shown me what it means to love someone unconditionally (even if they are a 30 year old spinster struggling artist babe).

*My best friend and soul mate, Melissa. This girl came into my life 7 years ago (thanks to Myspace) and over the years we've grown from internet buds, to pen pals, to best friends (forever). She is a delightful and beautiful human being and I'm so privileged to have her in my life. Even though we live an ocean apart I feel closer to her than anyone else I know. No matter how crummy I'm feeling she knows just what to say to cheer me up. I wish we lived in the same time zone but hey, you never know, someday we might!

*Dogs. Dogs have brought immeasurable joy into my life. Don't get me wrong, I love cats with all of my heart but dogs give their love so openly and freely and without judgment. Whenever I see a dog I light up like a birthday cake. Dogs seem to be naturally drawn to me and I to them (I like to think of myself as a modern-day Snow White). I loved how easy it was to communicate with all of the dogs I encountered in Europe; they took one look at me and they knew I was a friend. I'm very much looking forward to the day I can get my own dog (or two). I think it's going to be one of the happiest days of my life.

*Art. Even though it has been difficult and the field is extremely competitive, I still believe that my purpose in this life is to make art. There are times where I feel like I've let my parents down by choosing art since I had the grades to pursue whatever career I wanted but none of those paths felt right until I ultimately followed my heart and chose to be an artist. I am a firm believer that people should do what they love regardless of how much money they'll make. Art hasn't made me rich and most likely never will but if you're just making art for the money, then you're in the wrong business. When I am working on a piece I become totally engulfed in the process and work into the late hours of the night often without even realizing it. Nothing else has ever captivated me as much as making art and I'd like to continue to make it for the rest of my life. Another thing I'm grateful for is knowing that my art brings joy to others. Imagine that something that brings you so much happiness is also able to bring happiness to other human beings. It's win-win! My fans are very special to me and have no idea how much I appreciate their support.



As a person who has struggled with depression and anxiety it's all too easy to focus on the negative parts of life. To be honest, Robin Williams death really affected me personally because I know from personal experience how hard it is to hide your true feelings and thoughts from others and conceal your pain. Often times people who have depression are the ones who are making everyone laugh and seem happy on the outside because they don't want people to feel the things they feel. I've made tremendous progress with my anxiety but dealing with depression is still something I struggle with. I've learned that self-love and acceptance are very important, though, and I'm working on finding happiness inside myself instead of seeking it through other people. I'm a work in progress, but we all are, right?

I recommend that you take sometime tonight (or whatever time of day you're reading this) to reflect on the good things and people in your life. And if you are struggling and need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. You are very important and we all deserve love and respect.

Thanks for reading this post and take care, sweet potato!

Love,
Iggy