The Return of the Blogger (Again)

So...it has been forever and a day since my last blog post and as you can imagine, a lot has changed.

In the past few months I have journeyed to Japan and back again, had several meltdowns, quit my soul-crushing job and have decided to take a risk and move to southern California. It's pretty amazing how much your life can change in just a few short months. If you remember my last post from September you'll know that my job was causing me a lot of mental (and physical distress). At the beginning of 2016 I was feeling pretty burnt out in my position as a concierge at a high-end retirement home and was ready to look for a new job. However, being a naturally lazy person who also tends to avoid change, I wasn't looking very hard. My employer was 10 minutes away from my house, I had a relatively easy job and everyone seemed to like me. But I was bored. And people with anxiety don't do well with boredom. We will fill that time with thoughts of dread and regret. It's not pretty. However, as I was contemplating leaving my job an opening in a different department opened up. I wasn't necessarily jazzed about this new job but it would be change of pace and I might learn some new skills. If I'd only known then what a mess I was getting myself into.

On my first day in my new position I had a panic attack and knew I'd made a huge mistake. This job wasn't what I'd signed up for and I felt I'd been deceived. Over the course of a few months they completely changed my job description (to save money of course) and I was told that I could either adapt to these changes or I could leave. Around this time I had already bought my plane ticket to Japan and with my anxiety, I can only really handle one big thing at a time so I decided I would tough it out with this job and after my trip I would start looking for a new job and preferably one in California. 

This might not have been the best decision because the proceeding 10 months were some of the most miserable months of my life. Everyday I'd wake up and dread the day ahead of me. Almost everyday was a bad one. And it's so emotionally exhausting having to "be on" 8 hours a day and have to pretend to be happy and cheerful when internally you're screaming. As the months went on my anxiety worsened, my stomach aches returned (which caused me to lose all the weight I was so happy to put on the year before), and my depression intensified. I hadn't been this depressed and anxious in almost 10 years. All of the progress I had made with my mental health seemed to slip right through my fingers. 

This is probably where I should tell you what this job was so you can understand why it was affecting me the way it did. Originally, I signed up for a job in the activities department at the senior home I worked at. I was told that I would be planning fun events and outings for the old folks as well as some administrative work like making flyers and such. This department was also responsible for helping the seniors with technology questions but that was supposedly only a small portion of the job. I was hired for the independent living side with all of the residents that I'd known for years but after I'd already accepted the job I was told I was going to be spending some of my time at the assisted living side too. Some time turned into half of my day everyday. 

I'm a very sensitive person and also a hypochondriac so this was not good news for me. The job at the assisted living side was night and day to the one at the independent side. For 4 hours a day I had to work in a hospital with sick people, many of which had very advanced dementia and it completely broke my heart. I felt like Siddhartha seeing a dying person for the first time. This was all totally new for me and hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't just being in this kind of environment that got to me, it was the fact that I had to entertain a room full of people everyday! For several hours a day, I was the entertainment. As a person with social anxiety disorder, this was a NIGHTMARE. This was a sink or swim situation and I was drowning. I would feel sick to my stomach the moment I woke up in the morning because I knew I had to get up and teach the exercise class or the art class (I never ever wanted to be a teacher). On top of that, I became responsible for having to interview the incoming patients so I had to go into their rooms and every time I worried I was going to catch whatever illness the person had. By the time I would get back to my office at the independent side I would be so drained but I'd have notes, emails and voicemails waiting to be answered. 

I told my boss I was feeling overwhelmed and unhappy in this position and he told me that if I ever needed help, to just ask for it, that we were all a team. A family. This I would soon find not to be true. About one month ago I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life and had to go home sick. It was a major wake up call that I couldn't go on like this much longer. If I continued on this path, I was going to end up in the hospital. A few days after my panic attack I was feeling extremely fragile mentally but tried to act "normal" at work. Someone was having trouble with their computer but it was a Mac and my knowledge of Macs is very limited since I've always been a PC user so I asked my boss if he could help this person. My boss decided this was too much and started spewing all of these cliche buzzwords at me telling me I needed to "step up to the plate" and stop asking for help all the time (I only ask for help when I have no other options). For 30 minutes I pretty much got told I wasn't working hard enough and that I either "step up my game" or transfer to another department. 

After all the misery I'd endured for nearly a year I was being told I wasn't working hard enough! I knew this job was a horrible fit from Day 1 but I tried my best to make it work. For the millionth time I came home in tears and my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him how my boss didn't respect me and told me I needed to work harder. It was then that my dad said something I did not expect. He said, "You have to quit. Tomorrow." I was stunned to hear this coming from the man who had always drilled into me that you never leave a job without another one lined up. He said I couldn't work for this man anymore now that I knew how he really felt about me, and especially when this job A.) hardly paid anything B.) was making me ill. He said life was too short to be so miserable and this was the Universe's way of telling me it was time to leave.

The next day I plucked up my courage and handed in my resignation. And get THIS! The whole time this guy could not hide his elation! He smiled and laughed through the whole thing! It was ludicrous! I don't think I've ever had a boss react so unprofessionally to me resigning from a job. 

As you an imagine, word spread like wildfire that I had quit. For the next few days the seniors stopped me and told me how much I'd meant to them and how my smile always brightened their day. A big part of me had felt like I'd wasted the past 3 1/2 years of my life at this community and that all of my efforts were in vain but the seniors changed my mind. I was important. I did matter. I had made a difference in people's lives at the end of their lives. Everyone wished me well and told me that I was going to succeed in whatever direction I chose to go in. 

So now here I am, 2 weeks later. In about 2 months or so I will be packing my life up once again and moving to California. To be perfectly honest, I'm pretty terrified going out into the unknown again but for some reason this time it feels different. I feel like this time everything is going to be okay. My original plan was to find a job before moving but I've changed my mind and decided to just pack up and leave. It would be too stressful to have to drive back and forth to LA for interviews (if I even got any since most employers don't even look at your resume if they see you're out of state) and have to stay at a motel alone. And this time is different than the other times I've moved because this time I have a lot more saved up so I don't have to feel so desperate to find a job as soon as I get there. I can afford to be picky this time. And this time I'm moving somewhere that I already have friends at, friends who have told me they can't wait for me to get there. 

I hope the Universe has a plan for me and that things will work out this time. I know the next few months will be hard but I'm stronger now and I know myself better than I did 4 years ago. I'm going to try to stop doubting myself so much and have more confidence in myself and my abilities. 

Thank you for reading this and for believing in me. The support of my family and friends has meant so much to me during these troubled times.

In my next post, I'm going to finally write about my trip to Japan before I start to forget everything! See you next time! 

August 2016

I hate writing super negative posts but things have been pretty crummy for me lately and I'm hoping that writing about it might help a bit. I'm not sure why but the Universe has been kicking my butt this summer. My anxiety and depression have been pretty bad the past couple weeks (months) due to all the stress. The main stressor is that I've been having a lot of family drama. About a month ago my mom decided she was going to make my life a living hell and has been horrible to me everyday since. Her mood has been so hostile and she's constantly fighting with me or my dad. It's gotten to the point where I dread going home after work because there's so much tension in my house. I feel like I'm imprisoned in my own home. My dad said I should start looking for new place to live (I had been my mom's caregiver until last year when my dad retired and have been saving up money for the past year) but now I'm not sure which direction I want to go in. My original plan was to move to Scottsdale and buy a small condo but now I don't think I even want to stay in Arizona. I've regretted moving back here for the past 4 years. I don't really feel like anything good has happened since I came back. The only significant thing that's happened is that I've been able to travel and get some stamps in my passport but other than that I've been pretty bored.

I just feel like everyone around me has had their lives change so much in the past 4-5 years while mine has kind of been frozen in time. My friends have gotten married, had babies, bought houses, gotten real grown up jobs, etc but my life hasn't really changed at all. I really haven't had any significant life events and that bothers me. So I think I might've overstayed my welcome here in AZ. I just don't feel like I belong here. But the hard part is figuring out where I do belong and where I could thrive. 

To be honest, I've always wanted to live in California. Yes, I know it's expensive and the traffic is crazy. But I've wanted to live there since I was a little girl. I think just being near Disneyland and the ocean would really improve my quality of life. So after I get back from Japan I'm going to start looking for jobs in California and see if maybe I can get something going over there. I don't want to move without a job lined up again. I've done that twice and both times it was a bad experience. Having to pay rent every month when you have no income coming in is the worst. I usually get so stressed out that I end up taking whatever job I can get and then once you're in that job it's hard to get out and go to interviews without them knowing something is up. Plus, I'll need a job established before anyone will rent an apartment to me. My brother tried moving to LA last year with a couple of his friends and since they didn't have jobs there no one would sign a lease with them. So yeah, I've learned from my past mistakes and hopefully, things will work out better this time.

Another contributor to my lousy disposition lately has been my day job. My job duties have turned out to be completely different than the job I was hired for. I've become one of the million of Americans who hate their jobs and I totally get the whole "I hate Mondays" thing now. But I also think that everything happens for a reason so I guess this is another sign from the Universe that I'm supposed to move on to something else. If everything was perfect here, if I liked my job, had found a partner, and was generally content with my life in AZ I wouldn't be motivated to move. But none of those things have happened so that's a good indicator that I might be better off somewhere else. One thing I do know is that if I move out of state, I'm not going to return to Arizona again and I'm certainly not going to move back in with my family again. Like, ever. 

So yeah, I have a lot of things to think about and important life changes to ponder over the next few months. But maybe that means that 2017 will be better. Maybe that's the year that things will start to turn around. 

To end this post on a more positive note, only 4 more weeks until my trip to Japan. To be honest, that's the only thing I've been looking forward to this summer. I can't wait to see my precious Twinkie-Chan's face again. 

It's going to be pretty pretty pretty good. 

Sage of Wisdom (teeth)

One month ago today I had three of my wisdom teeth removed and boy, has it been rough. I got the procedure done on a Friday and by Monday the left side of my lip and chin were still completely numb so I panicked and called the oral surgeon. He explained how my lower wisdom teeth were so impacted that on a scale of one to ten, they were tens and that made their removal very difficult, however, he said the nerves were intact and "perfect" and that the surgery was a great success. He said numbness was to be expected in a case like mine but it would only be temporary and not to worry.

I thought I'd be back to normal in a week or two...NOPE! The pain was so intense and I would wake up 4-5 times a night in horrible pain. There were days when I'd come home from an 8 hour shift of having to talk on the phone and smile all day and just cry for an hour because I was in so much pain. I don't like to take medication but I had no choice but to take the pain pills they prescribed me. However, those didn't even alleviate all of the pain. I'm pretty sure they had to remove some of the bone tissue in order to extract the teeth because my recovery has been a very slow one and my jaw bone still aches. Besides the pain, though, the loss of feeling in my face has been distressing me the most.

On the 5th of this month I went back in for my follow up appointment and a different surgeon assessed me. He said that the extraction sites were healing "wonderfully" and then he did a test on me to see how bad the paresthesia (numbness) was. He pretty much poked my chin with a small needle and asked me if I could feel it then he dragged it up/down or left/right and asked me which direction it was moving in. I passed all the tests and he confirmed that the paresthesia was only slight at this point and that that was a good sign. He said if my face was still completely numb it would be cause for alarm but since I have regained a lot of feeling that it should only be temporary. Then he said I could feel back to normal in a week or in six more weeks (yikes). So today I hit the 4th week and am just ready for this to be over. I had pizza last night at a friend's house and my jaw still hurt a lot afterwards. I was also really self-conscious that I might have food on my face that I couldn't feel.

I hope that the doctor was right and that my nerves will heal themselves because this honestly has been such a nightmare. I've never experienced so much pain before and it's been so scary not knowing if I'll ever get all of the feeling back in my face again. If I had it to do over again, I don't even know if I would've had the procedure. Before they did the surgery they told me that there was a 15% chance that I would have nerve damage since my wisdom teeth sat right on top of the nerve and were fully developed since I'm in my 30s but I never thought that I'd actually fall into that 15%.

Before the surgery I was pretty hopeful that 2016 was going to be the year I started dating again and possibly started a new relationship but now that my face is all jacked up...I don't know when I'll feel up to it. A guy online messaged me just a week after the procedure and wanted to take me on a date but I told him about my situation and said I'd need some time to recover. At first he said he didn't mind waiting but then he started messaging me everyday asking me if I was well yet. It put too much pressure on me to heal quickly that I just stopped talking to him. It would've been nice to have someone to go out with on Valentine's Day but I don't really want to go on any dates until I've healed.

So that's what's been going on with me for the past few weeks. If you can send any positive energy my way, I'd really appreciate it. I just want to feel like myself again :( You don't really appreciate your health until something happens to compromise it.

Hang in there, baby

This past week has been so not the mama. I've been sick since last Wednesday and am still feeling pretty crummy. It's hard to get well when you have to work 10 hours a day almost everyday. Ugh. Everyone at my work has been sick too and I think we're all just passing our germs around. On top of that my mom fell down for the second time this month and that's been really stressful. She's getting x-rays today but I'm pretty sure she's broken something since she hasn't been able to get up on her own at all since she fell. So I've been filling in as her nursemaid and it's been really hard on me both physically and mentally. I never thought this would happen. That my mother who was once so strong and vivacious would become so fragile and delicate at only 62 years old. To be honest, I don't really know if she's going to be around one day to the next. I do appreciate that my family allowed me to come back home after things didn't work out in Seattle but I also think that my dad has been using me as a free caregiver for the past 2 years. I've had to take my mom to the ER several times since I got back to Arizona and to be honest, if I hadn't come home I don't think she'd still be with us. I'm glad I was there to help her but at the same time it's taking its toll on me.

My mom is always on my back about why haven't I found a husband blah blah blah but how am I supposed to date anyone when I work 50 hours a week and have to care for my elderly mother? I just don't have the time and men don't seem to be too enthused about dating someone in my "situation" anyway--so I've found out. My current life plan has been to stay with my folks for one more year so I can have a sizeable amount of money saved up to put towards my first home but with everything that's been going on this month, I'm wondering if I can handle living with my family much longer. It's putting me in a cruddy situation too because I really don't want to have a roommate again but I don't have enough saved up right now to live by myself if I were to move out in the next few months.

Some positive things, though, my business has been BOOMING lately. Booming a bit too much, haha. It's weird but as soon as I accepted the full time position at my day job I started to get flooded with orders. I absolutely love making hoops for people and my customers have been lovely but I haven't been able to take a day off in weeks. At least my vacation is almost here and I can just relax and not worry about everything going on at home. I've also decided not to take on any more custom orders next month since I want to have lots of new work prepared for my art show in March. I'm pretty excited about that and I think it'll be great for me to meet other artists and do some networking (and possibly meet someone cute!)

Well, if you have any good vibes you could spare, I'd really appreciate it. I have to get well in the next few days so I can be healthy for Thailand and I need my mom to be alright so I'm not just worrying about her the whole time I'm gone.

Thank you!

(And here's some new art to tide you over until I return)

Ice King Embroidery $45.00

Guy Farting Embroidery (SOLD)

Pikachu Embroidery (SOLD)

BMO Embroidery (SOLD)


 

September Wrap Up

(Doesn't have a title yet)
Pastel and paper
2014

Things have been a little bananas the past few weeks. I got the flu for the first time in a long time and have been a gigantic baby about it. I've been pretty healthy for the past year and a half so I was disappointed in my immune system for succumbing to illness. I called in sick to work on Wednesday (my first call-in since I started working there) and probably should've called out yesterday and the day before but since I'm only part time I don't get any sick days so I'd have to use up my vacation time which I'm not willing to do. That vacation time is MINE. And I already know what I want to do with it...(insert pause for dramatic effect)

My very dear friend Michelle has invited me to come along with her to Thailand this winter while she visits her mother. I am beyond excited about this! It doesn't even feel real. I've only had my passport for less than a year and I'm already going to knock another continent off my list! The flight will be hella long (24 hours) but it'll be worth it. I've always wanted to visit Bangkok; it's incredibly beautiful and from what I've read, there's lots and lots of things to do. Michelle's mother has an apartment there so we'll have a place to stay and a very good friend of mine, Shong, lives there and is going to show us around a bit. I'm SO looking forward to finally meeting him in real life. Shong was the very first fan of my comic strip "Marksville" and we've been internet friends for nearly 8 years. I've been wanting to meet him for so long and can't believe it's finally going to happen! Right now we're just waiting for Michelle's vacation time to get approved and then I'm going to talk to my boss about it. I should have more than enough PTO hours by that time (we plan on going the first week of February) so hopefully he won't have a problem with me requesting a week off.

Wedding Heirloom Embroidery (a gift)

Another exciting thing that's happened recently is my darling friend, Stacee, got married on Saturday and I was in her bridal party. It was my first time being a bridesmaid and I felt so honored that she asked me to be a part of her special day. The day of the wedding, though, we had a huge storm and it rained so hard I could barely drive. Michelle came along as my date and I thought I knew where I was going but as usual I had no clue and got us SO LOST! I realized things had gone awry when there were cows right outside the window. I had no memory of the venue being out in farm country when I'd gone there for the rehearsal. Michelle GPSed where we were and I had gone like 20 miles in the WRONG DIRECTION. Aiya! Luckily, we got there safe and sound (we saw so many wrecks and cars that had driven right off the road) but I felt pretty crummy being so late. But Stacee looked so BEAUTIFUL--OHMYGOODNESS! She looked like a princess. I wish I had pictures to post but I only took Instax photos. I'm usually the one taking 10 billion photos and get so busy with that that I don't really experience the moment as much as I should and I didn't want that to happen this time; I wanted to look at everything and remember everything with my own eyes instead of through a lens. So I'll just have to wait until Stacee's photos are on Facebook then snitch some. It was so nice being right there during the ceremony and getting to hear all of the vows and see all of the emotions and everything. I'd never been so close at a wedding before and you miss a lot of that stuff when you're sitting 20 feet away. It was so hard not to cry through the whole thing. I was so touched too when they brought me a vegetarian meal made just for me. Stacee is pure ANGEL!

In other news, I've been taking a bit of a break from my embroidery work the past 2 months and have been focusing on my illustration work. So far I've completed two full color pastel drawings in a series of kitten portraits (as seen above). I'm nearly done with the third and will be starting a fourth soon. I've been wanting to get more comfortable working in color so this has been a great opportunity for me to practice. So far I'm very happy with the progress I've made and feel like I'm learning more with each drawing. Once I have some decent photos of the rest of the drawings I'd like to start selling them as prints in my Etsy shop (www.iggystarpup.com) and then get them framed so I can perhaps show them around Phoenix. As much as I enjoy embroidery it's been a nice change to draw again. I love going to the art supply store to pick up new pastel colors. Soon I'm going to have every shade of Nu Pastel they have! After I'm finished with my kitten series I'd like to draw some other animals as well; right now I'm thinking a pug, bunny, and a deer. I could draw animals in pretty dresses forever to be honest.

I said in my last post that I was going to post some new hoops, so here's my newest pieces (they're all Adventure Time hoops). BUMPS!

Homies Help Homies
SOLD

Marceline the Vampire Queen
$33.00



Princess Bonnibel Bubblegum
$33.00

Earl of Lemongrab
$40.00

LSP "Every Party Is My Party"
SOLD

Queen of Summer Time

Little Merbabe

It's crazy that it's already been 3 months since I got back from Europe. Mentally, I haven't completely come back yet. I find myself daydreaming about it a million times a day. It's also a bit of a drag coming back to your everyday life after going on an adventure. A week after I got home I was already super jealous of my friends going on vacation. Why can't I just go on all the vacations? Oh, yeah, because I'm an adult and being an adult SUCKSSS.

I have had some good times this summer, though. I got this adorable mermaid bikini and got to wear it to a waterpark. I hadn't been to a waterpark since I was 10 so I didn't really know what to expect but Michelle and I had a great time. We went to Big Surf in Tempe and after 3pm tickets were half price. I don't think I'd have the energy to go all the time, but it was fun. From an anthropological standpoint, it was very interesting as well. You see ALL KINDS of people at a waterpark and I love me some good people watching.



Sophie and Kiki

Another fun thing I did this summer was that I went to Phoenix Comic Con for the first time. I went as Kiki from "Kiki's Delivery Service" and was stoked by how many people knew who I was. I took pictures with people all day (so much that my friends were getting super annoyed by me being stopped every few minutes). I only went on Saturday but I feel like I got the full experience in that one day. I got to ride the light rail in full costume and look like an absolute freak to people who didn't know about Comic Con, I got to see John Barrowman and Nathan Fillion who were both really funny, I got to see TONS of great cosplayers, and I got to shop (I didn't actually buy anything but I do love a good browse). I'm already super excited about next year! I just need to narrow down which costume I want to put together...I've been wanting to get a Sailor Mars costume for a while since my hair is finally long enough but I really really don't want to wear heels all day. Maybe I'll go as Nausicaa. Who knows!



Michelle and I

Two weeks ago I went to an art show and that was cool. It's funny that as an artist, I never go to art shows. People ask me all the time if I ever show my work and I'm always like, "OH, YEAH! I SHOULD DO THAT!" and then I never do. I'm one of those artists who are more interested in making more work than showing existing work. It would probably do me some good to get some more local exposure but I'm just sooooo lazy about that stuff. I need a manager or an assistant. I'll just lock myself in my room and sew while I watch the X-files while some grunt goes out and shows my portfolio to galleries, haha. Anyway, my friend's bf was having a show at a venue called "Monarch" in downtown Phoenix so all of us girls went to show our support. Art shows are apparently also great places to people watch; they attract all sorts of weirdos (including me).




The Duce

I went dancing one last time at the beginning of the summer before it got crazy hot. We like to go dancing at The Duce but they don't have A/C so going in the summer months is no bueno. Even going in June it got a bit too hot for Mama.



#sarinotsorry

Recently, I went to a "Sari Party" at Sharleen's last month and that was a lot of fun too. Since I didn't have a sari I had to make do with a bed sheet, haha. Sharleen ordered Indian food for all of us and made these delicious drinks called "mango lassi". I watched my first Bollywood film and LOVED IT! It was called "Three Idiots" and it was SO GOOD! It had everything: comedy, drama, singing, dancing, and even a bit of horror. I don't think I've enjoyed a movie so much in a long time. RENT IT.

I probably did a lot more fun things this summer but these stand out the most in my memory. There's still a little over a month left but I'm pretty ready for fall. Halloween is so close I can almost taste it, haha :)

Next post I really am going to post some new art. Promise!

The Rapture

Last night I experienced the most intense storm of my entire life. A microburst hit North Phoenix where I live and it was the craziest thing I've ever seen. Around 11pm last night I was watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and thinking about going to sleep soon since I work super early on the weekends. Just as I'm about to brush my teeth I hear the thunder outside and decided to go peek at the lightning before bed. The lightning was directly over our house and it was quite the show until quite suddenly there was a downpour and intense winds came. I got sprayed by a sheet of rain that came in and could barely see 10 ft in front of me when I see a critter run right in front of me. Since it was so dark I thought it was a cat but when it ran from me I saw its long snout and bushy tail and realized it was a raccoon!

I ran back inside the house to tell my mom that a crazy storm was brewing when the power went out. I had left the front door open and the wind was so powerful it was hard to shut it. Once I did we looked out the window and the whole house began to shake and we thought the windows were going to blow out. It was like the Rapture had come! All you could see outside was a wall of rain and flashes of light with thunder raging all around. I checked the backyard to see if the patio was okay and I saw the CHIMNEY LYING ON THE GROUND! Since we were down one chimney we had a gaping whole in our roof and the wind got inside and blew the hatch to the attic askew. This storm went on for what seemed like hours. In no time the house got swelteringly hot from the AC being off and the humidity made it so stuffy I felt like I couldn't breathe. I tried to go to sleep since I had to be up at 7am but I felt like I was going to suffocate from breathing in the hot damp air (which made me feel pretty anxious). My dad got home around 3am and I was still wide awake. He got on the roof to access the damage and found that the tv antenna had been mangled, many shingles had been striped off the roof and the swamp cooler had been trashed. Such a mess! When he walked around the neighborhood he saw that many trees had been completely uprooted, windows had been shattered and brick fences had been blown out! For the rest of the night all you could hear were police sirens and fire trucks.

I think I managed to get 2 hours of sleep. I had set my phone alarm to wake me up at 7am since our power never came back on. When the light woke me up I thought, "Nah, it's not time to wake up. My alarm hasn't gone off yet." Luckily, I did decide to check what time it was because it was already 7:10am!! I rolled out of bed and  threw my clothes on. I had to grab whatever snacks I could since nothing in the fridge would be edible now and was out the door. As I drove to work I got to see the carnage in the light of day. It looked like the Apocalypse had come. Huge trees were knocked in the road, streetlights were snapped in half and about 10 houses had their walls destroyed leaving their backyards completely exposed. I cannot believe that microburst was so powerful that it could annihilate solid brick walls.

When I got to work I got a call from a coworker who apparently lives in the same neighborhood as I do and she said that police had just closed down the road that leads in and out of my street and that if you leave your home that you can't come back in. So now I can't even get back into my house until (hopefully) late this afternoon/evening. Luckily, one of my besties lives right by my work so I'm going to hide out at her house until I get the green light that I can come home. Pretty intense, y'all!

At least no injuries have been reported but I am sad to say that the quail family that lives in my front yard had 6 babies as of yesterday and this morning there were only 2 :(

There and Back Again: Courtney's Tale

To be honest, I've been super intimidated to update this blog since returning home from my adventure since there's just so much to tell and I don't want to leave anything out. Seventeen days is quite a long time so I've decided to write about my travels in Europe in segments just to make things easier on myself (and on you). So let's start from the beginning!

The evening of April 7th I began my journey. I'll admit that I got a little emotional upon take off but let's be real here, this trip was a BIG DEAL and naturally there were a lot of feels involved. I had really started talking about visiting Europe when I was 22 years old. My anxiety had become semi-manageable and I had quite a bit of savings so I started giving a European vacation serious consideration. However, the boyfriend at the time had no money and to tell the truth, had no real interest in traveling with me at all. I was pretty upset at the time but after my experience last month I now realize that I went at exactly the right time in my life with exactly the right person. It was all meant to be.

I'm not going to lie, the flight sucked. Don't get me wrong, British Airways did their very best to make all of us comfortable but being trapped in a plane for nearly 10 hours is never fun. I still get nervous flying so I didn't eat a whole lot before departing so around 9pm I was pure starving. I started daydreaming about macaroni and cheese but then I noticed that I smelled something that kind of smelt like macaroni and cheese (very weird). I guess I was naïve but I honestly thought that all I was going to get was juice and a cookie on this flight. Boy, was I WRONG! The flight attendant asked me if I preferred the curry chicken or pasta bake. I asked her if the pasta was vegetarian and she said she didn't know. I took a peek at it but it was hard to tell so I told her I didn't want to risk it. A few minutes later she came back and plopped the tray in front of me and said, "You better taste it just in case. I don't want you to starve." Pure angel! The pasta did in fact turn out to be vegetarian but it also came with bread and butter, a side salad, tea, water, and coffee cake! My tummy was very happy! After my feast I tried to get some sleep but I don't think I was very successful. I drifted in and out of consciousness but I don't think I got any actual sleep. Yadda yadda yadda ten hours went by and I see London out of my window and got a dash emotional again. My layover in London wasn't too bad; I filled the time with people watching. I finally arrived in Glasgow at 5:20pm the NEXT DAY! Spoopy!

As I walked through the airport the excitement started to build. I was finally going to get to see my dearest, Melissa in 3D. I navigated myself through the crowd and then I saw her! It was again, very emotional! She was just so cute and we both were so excited. It was a Hallmark moment for sure. My first impression of Scotland was that it was SO COLD! I was not prepared for it to be so cold--yikes! We took the bus back to her flat and I got to meet her sweet mum and her adorable kitty, Shadow. We had Dominoes pizza for dinner which was funny for me since I wasn't expecting there to be Dominoes in Glasgow. I slept for a few hours but woke up at 1am wide awake. During that time I made friends with Shadow, the Creature of the Night.

The next day started off good. We took the subway into town and Melissa showed me her turf. We went into a super cute shop called Primark and she bought me an adorable blue dress with a black peter pan collar for my birthday. However, while in Primark I started to feel a bit...weird. My stomach started doing funny stuff and once that happens my anxiety will slowly start to kick in. We stopped at Hill Head Bookclub for lunch (even though I wasn't hungry) and I ordered a veggie sandwich thinking that would be the safest thing for someone who's feeling sick to order. BAD IDEA. Making myself eat made everything so much worse and I had to visit the bathroom more times than I'd care to admit. It took all of my strength not to vomit everywhere. After lunch we were walking to the subway when I had to tell the truth that I was feeling super nauseated and having a bit of a panic attack. A weird thing about Europe is that there are very few trash bins on the street. For someone about to hurl, this is not the best news. The thought of barfing right onto the street or on the subway was more than I could bear.

Somehow I managed to make it back to her flat without puking though. I had been so tired in town that day but when she left me alone in her room to nap I could not sleep. I felt so bad about feeling ill the first day of the trip. All I could think was, "Well, Courtney, you already fucked it up. You've ruined the trip. This was a mistake. You're not meant to travel the world." All of these negative thoughts kept rolling around in my head. It was the worst. I truly thought that the rest of the trip was going to be a disaster and that I'd let my anxiety win.

I'm happy to report that that wasn't the case. In retrospect, I can't believe I was so hard on myself. First of all, I was super jet lagged. It should've been no surprise that I felt super ill after flying for 12 hours and getting hardly any sleep. Also, I was in a new country with a girl I had never met in person (and was worried wouldn't like me). Combine all of those things and anyone would feel barfy.

The next day and the days to follow were gold. Next stop was London but I'll save that tale for my next post. We were there for 2 days and one of those days was spent at the Harry Potter Studio Tour so I might break those into two posts as well.

Thanks for reading!

Love,
Courtney

Two Weeks

As of today, we have hit our two week mark. In exactly  a fortnight (Glob, I love that word) I will be making my first journey across the Atlantic Ocean. It's so dreamy! I think that this trip is going to change my life forever. Not everyone gets to experience a trip like this in their lifetime (my parents have never been anywhere out of North America) and I feel very fortunate. Being from a culture that's only a few centuries old, I'm very excited to get to see places that are so rich with history. It's going to be amazing walking down streets that have been walked upon by people for hundreds of years. It's very romantic to think about.

However, while I'm very excited about all of the amazing things I'm going to get to see and experience I'm also trying very hard to keep my anxiety in check. Sometimes there's a fine line between anxiety and excitement and it can be hard to differentiate the two. But I must give myself props for handling all of this so well. The fact that I'm even going on a trip of this magnitude is HUGE progress for me. Ten years ago (even 5 years ago) I wouldn't have been able to go on this trip. My anxiety disorder kept me on a tight leash and I had so many limitations. In fact, ten years ago I was pretty much housebound, believe it or not. I had so many phobias that my life became pretty isolated and small. I couldn't work and I could barely handle going to school. But with the support and love of many people in my life I began to face all of the things I was afraid of. It's weird thinking about the person I was back then since the person I am today is so different. For many years I had an eating with people phobia and for 5 years I didn't eat out with anyone. I ate all my meals at home because my anxiety was so intense at the time that I was nauseous practically around the clock. Since I felt queasy so often I worried constantly that I was going to throw up (and Glob forbid, throw up in front of PEOPLE). And now I love eating out with friends. It's one of my favorite things to do. But back then I cared so much about what others thought about me that I let it consume me. I would avoid any situations that could result in potential embarrassment. Living this kind of life led to very low self esteem and as you can imagine, very few friends. My future seemed so bleak in those days and I had pretty much renounced any hope of getting over my anxiety. Pretty bummer times, yo.

But as you know, things did get better! During this past decade I learned a lot about Anxiety Disorder and educated myself on it thoroughly. One of the most valuable things I learned about this disorder was that MILLIONS OF PEOPLE have it. It wasn't just me. I wasn't just "crazy" like I believed I was for many years. I was just a negative thinker, a worrier, and very sensitive. Just knowing that I wasn't alone was super beneficial to me. However, once I learned that most of my problems came from how I speak to myself internally, I realized I had the power to heal myself. I heard a quote somewhere in my research, "I am the lock but I am also the key". It's taken years but I've realized how to spot negative thinking patterns and how to stop them and replace them with a positive thought. Through this whole process I've become a very positive person and it's funny how now everyone comes to me when they're feeling down and need cheering up. But the most important thing I learned about phobias is that you HAVE to face them. If you don't you give them power and that power can quickly take over your life (and peace of mind). It's very scary but you have to force yourself to do the things that frighten you. It's best to take things slowly and do baby steps but by doing the things that you're afraid of you'll realize that you're not going to die and it's not the end of the world. You have to give yourself praise for any steps in the right direction. We all need to learn how to be our own best friend and love ourselves unconditionally.

When I was about 25 years old I made a decision (one of the best decisions I've ever made) and it was to stop being who I thought other people wanted me to be and to just be myself; to 100% embrace who I am and love that person completely. I've always been different and kind of "weird" and for most of my life I suppressed those parts of myself and was very unhappy as a result. But once I started being myself and not caring if people liked me or not, something funny happened. People liked me! Everyone at university wanted to be my friend; I was my professor's favorite student. I finally set the real me free and I have no regrets.

I still have my bad days though, I'm only human. I've accomplished so much with my battle against anxiety disorder but I'll never be "cured" or anything. I just learned how to deal with anxious feeling when they arise. But I've never travelled for this long without my family or in another country so some amount of anxiety is bound to happen. I'm going to try not to think about that though. I'm trying reallllly hard just to focus on all of the fun we're going to have. I know this trip won't be perfect and there will be bumps on the road but we're going to leave with so many memories. I simply cannot wait!

Wish my luck! And thank you for reading this little blog and sharing these experiences with me.

Xoxo,
Courtney

25 Days and Counting

The count down timer to Europe is now at 25 days and I'm kind of FREAKING OUT! How did the time go by so fast? Now that we're getting so close to departure I'm feeling like I'm forgetting to do something. But what? I guess I do have to go to my bank and tell them what countries I'm visiting and what dates I'll be there. I finally picked out all of my clothes so that's done. I dunno, maybe I'm just have a Home Alone moment where I think I've forgotten to do something.

Oh, one thing I've decided to do is have a get together with my friends when I return. Originally, I was just going to do this trip and then be done with my birthday but my friends want to do something with me to celebrate since they won't be with me on my actual birthday. I think I'd like to go dancing. The last time I went dancing was kind of a let down. We went to that Art Gala thing at Crescent Ballroom and it turned out to be about 75% older people (like I'm talking seniors). Also, nobody was really dancing so we felt weird being the only ones dancing. Eventually all of the drunk people got on the dance floor but they still had all of the lights on and it just was...weird. So I think we'll go to The Duce next time. I'm still a bit too young to be dancing with the old folks. Plus I'd like to see the babes on (near?) my birthday (or any day).

Btw, Monday was a really great day. My bestie, Ashley called me up out of the blue and told me she wasn't doing anything that day. Coincidently, I didn't have any plans either so I asked her to COME ON DOWN! First we got lunch at my new favorite restaurant, The Tea Lite Café and it was crazy delicious. Then we went to Target and I picked out all of my travel toiletries I'd need. Apparently, toiletries can add up really really fast because I walked out of Target with $70 less than when I walked in. But I did buy a new hairdryer and they're not exactly cheap. Anyway, later that afternoon we hiked up North Mountain. I've been a couple times now and it seems to get easier every time. I was worried that Ashley was going to die since she hadn't exercised in a long time but luckily, we both made it to the top in once piece. I always feel like a million bucks after I climb to the top of a mountain (and the positive feelings last a few days too). After our hike we went to Trader Joe's to get dessert as a reward for our effort but wound up getting pizza at Whole Foods instead (a solid choice). We ended the day with crafting and "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Twas a very fine day :)

Pretty soon it's going to be a hundred billion degrees outside so I'd like to do as much outdoorsy activities as I can while the weather is nice. I'd like to tube the Salt River again this summer so that's something we can still do when it's hot as ballz.

Btw, I colored my hair today just so it'd be a little darker for my vacation and YOU CAN'T TELL I DID ANYTHING!!!! It's maybe one shade darker, if that. I might as well have flushed my $7 bucks down the toilet :/

Okies, I better get ready to go home. I'm can't wait to go home and finish "A Storm of Swords"!! I haven't been able to put it down for 2 days!!

Good night, my little flowers! :3

Iggy Hearts You

Since my last post all of our lodgings have been booked for Europe! So we'll be staying at a youth hostel in London (it looks like Hogwarts inside!!) but in Amsterdam, Berlin, Copenhagen and Paris we'll be staying in apartments we found on Airbnb. Let me just say that Airbnb is FRIKKIN' AMAZING!!! We found the most gorgeous apartments that are also super affordable. It's going to be great to have our own place (and our own bathroom). All of the apartments look like Ikea showrooms too! Looking at them as made me grow to hate my own room now. It just looks horrible and disgusting compared to these beautiful European flats. I'm totally going to have to redecorate when I get back. Anyway, I think the apartment we're staying at in Paris was only $130 a night (split between 2 people) and it's 2 minutes away from the Eiffel Tower! On the night of my birthday we're going to get some chocolate croissants and champagne and walk over to the Eiffel Tower at midnight. It's just out of this world to think I'll be spending my 30th birthday in Paris! I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Also since my last post I've arranged our Harry Potter London Tour at Warner Bros. Studios. I'm SO STOKED for that! It's going to be INSANE to have my picture taken in front of Number 4, Privet Drive. It'll be a dream come true.

me with Tinkerbell hair

Oh, more good news! Well, it's good news for me...but I've been the same weight since I was 14 years old. No matter how hard I tried I could not gain any weight and people would tease me a lot and say nasty things like, "Don't you ever eat?" and "You must weigh like 2 pounds." Over the years I've become a little self conscious of my petite frame and would get super jelly when I'd see other girls whose jeans actually fit them. Well, last year I suffered a knee injury that really forced me to change my lifestyle. I'm way too young to be blowing my knee out by just walking so I started an exercise program. It didn't take very long for me to start feeling the benefits of regular exercise so I stuck with it. Exercise is like MAGIC, man. Not only do you get a ton of self confidence by watching your body become stronger (and more bangin') but its done wonders for my mental health. I'm naturally prone to melancholy (depression runs on my mother's side of the family) and exercise has really elevated my mood and given me a more positive outlook on life (as well as increased my appetite).

So today I was trying on a dress I bought about 6 months ago when I noticed it was really tight around the bust (which never happens) so I thought I'd take a trip to the scale and I weighed 115 lbs!! That has been my goal weight for AGES and it seemed like it was never going to happen. The most I've ever weighed was 111 lbs but I normally fluctuate between 105-110 lbs, which is pretty underweight for my height. So this is very happy news! For the first time in my life I can look at my buns in the mirror be like, "Haaaayy, guuurrrrl!" AND my bras fit me too! It is possible that since I'm approaching thirty that my metabolism has slowed down but whatevz. I'm very happy with the way my body looks these days. Hooray for positive body images!

Have a Happy Valentines Day, my lovelies!


Mama Iggy