August 2016

I hate writing super negative posts but things have been pretty crummy for me lately and I'm hoping that writing about it might help a bit. I'm not sure why but the Universe has been kicking my butt this summer. My anxiety and depression have been pretty bad the past couple weeks (months) due to all the stress. The main stressor is that I've been having a lot of family drama. About a month ago my mom decided she was going to make my life a living hell and has been horrible to me everyday since. Her mood has been so hostile and she's constantly fighting with me or my dad. It's gotten to the point where I dread going home after work because there's so much tension in my house. I feel like I'm imprisoned in my own home. My dad said I should start looking for new place to live (I had been my mom's caregiver until last year when my dad retired and have been saving up money for the past year) but now I'm not sure which direction I want to go in. My original plan was to move to Scottsdale and buy a small condo but now I don't think I even want to stay in Arizona. I've regretted moving back here for the past 4 years. I don't really feel like anything good has happened since I came back. The only significant thing that's happened is that I've been able to travel and get some stamps in my passport but other than that I've been pretty bored.

I just feel like everyone around me has had their lives change so much in the past 4-5 years while mine has kind of been frozen in time. My friends have gotten married, had babies, bought houses, gotten real grown up jobs, etc but my life hasn't really changed at all. I really haven't had any significant life events and that bothers me. So I think I might've overstayed my welcome here in AZ. I just don't feel like I belong here. But the hard part is figuring out where I do belong and where I could thrive. 

To be honest, I've always wanted to live in California. Yes, I know it's expensive and the traffic is crazy. But I've wanted to live there since I was a little girl. I think just being near Disneyland and the ocean would really improve my quality of life. So after I get back from Japan I'm going to start looking for jobs in California and see if maybe I can get something going over there. I don't want to move without a job lined up again. I've done that twice and both times it was a bad experience. Having to pay rent every month when you have no income coming in is the worst. I usually get so stressed out that I end up taking whatever job I can get and then once you're in that job it's hard to get out and go to interviews without them knowing something is up. Plus, I'll need a job established before anyone will rent an apartment to me. My brother tried moving to LA last year with a couple of his friends and since they didn't have jobs there no one would sign a lease with them. So yeah, I've learned from my past mistakes and hopefully, things will work out better this time.

Another contributor to my lousy disposition lately has been my day job. My job duties have turned out to be completely different than the job I was hired for. I've become one of the million of Americans who hate their jobs and I totally get the whole "I hate Mondays" thing now. But I also think that everything happens for a reason so I guess this is another sign from the Universe that I'm supposed to move on to something else. If everything was perfect here, if I liked my job, had found a partner, and was generally content with my life in AZ I wouldn't be motivated to move. But none of those things have happened so that's a good indicator that I might be better off somewhere else. One thing I do know is that if I move out of state, I'm not going to return to Arizona again and I'm certainly not going to move back in with my family again. Like, ever. 

So yeah, I have a lot of things to think about and important life changes to ponder over the next few months. But maybe that means that 2017 will be better. Maybe that's the year that things will start to turn around. 

To end this post on a more positive note, only 4 more weeks until my trip to Japan. To be honest, that's the only thing I've been looking forward to this summer. I can't wait to see my precious Twinkie-Chan's face again. 

It's going to be pretty pretty pretty good. 

Mercury in Retrograde

President of the Sad Girls Club

Things have been...weird lately. I've had two moods for the past week--sad or mad and it's made being at work very difficult since the majority of my job is me being a smiling face to greet everyone and help them with their problems. But what about Courtney's problems, huh? What about that? Thank the gods I have a handful of really good friends that I've been able to talk to about my moodiness this week or I wouldn't know what to do. As I've gotten older (and wiser) I've gotten to the point where it's easier to identify who my true friends are. I may have my down days but I love myself enough now to know when I'm not being treated right. I was talking to my friend at work and she was telling me that I'm way too smart of a lady to allow anyone to make me feel like I'm not good enough or successful enough to be their friend. And although I know this in my heart it's good to hear it from someone else, ya know? Once I turned 30 something inside me just clicked and I was just done with people's bullshit. I can't stomach phony people anymore. I only want to have people in my life who are real and who I can really share things with. I don't have time for "fair weather" friends who are only there when things are good. Life is hard and you need to have people in your life who you can count on and who can rely on you. I heard a quote once that said, "A good friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body." Now that's a little extreme, but you get the idea.

In other news, last weekend Michelle and I went on our first "new bf 2k15" mission and it was kind of a bust. Hanging out at her house and talking before we went out was awesome but then we went to The Duce. Normally we go in a group of 4 or more people but this time it was just the two of us and it was a totally different vibe. First we just sat down and chatted because we weren't feeling the song that was playing. While we were sitting there two guys approached us and I just got really weird and uncomfortable. Maybe it would've been different if they'd been cute but idk, as soon as they approached us all I wanted was for them to go away. That's when I realized that maybe this isn't the best route for me to take. Having one of my best friends witnessing how awkward and shy I get around boys was the WORST because I'm a totally different person with my friends than I am around strangers (especially male strangers). Eventually a song we liked was playing so we danced for a bit but then they played a lousy song and everyone dispersed from the dance floor. I did a quick scan of the place and didn't fancy any of the boys so we decided to check out Crescent Ballroom instead. There wasn't a DJ or any shows going on so everyone was hanging out on the patio. I got a bottle of Coke like a major dweeb and we found a spot to hang out and chat. Again, I just felt uncomfortable and out of place. Bars just aren't my scene and I felt like I wasn't able to give Michelle my full attention because I was trying to patrol for cuties at the same time. Michelle is one of my favorite people in the whole world and I started to resent this bar for taking my attention away from her and our conversation. Anyway, I got home around 1am and in a pretty discouraged mood.

I try to be in tune with the Universe and be conscious when it's trying to communicate something to me and I felt very strongly that night that bars and clubs aren't the place I'm going to find my match in. But where the heck is he? I was talking to Melissa about this quandary and she said that this dude needs to put in some bloody work too, that it shouldn't be 100% my responsibility to find him. I'm a very special girl and I shouldn't have to work so hard to find a decent man. However, then I think to myself, "Maybe the reason I keep running into dead ends with men here is because I'm looking in the wrong place. Maybe there's a reason I've developed such a wanderlust lately. Perhaps I'm meant to meet my person during my travels." (I can be a hopeless romantic at times).

So anyway, the moral of this story is that I've discovered bars aren't the way to go but not to lose hope entirely. I think for next month's outing we'll try joining a Meetup group or something.

Before I close, I'd 'd like to list 3 things that have happened recently that have made me happy since this happens to be Mental Health Awareness Week:

1.) It's a small victory but I beat my buddies at Mario Kart three times in a row last night. It made me feel really good after having such a poop day.
2.) I bought myself some super cute sandals that look just like a pair I had when I was little.
3.) A senior at work told me on Tuesday that I was one of the kindest people she knows

Well, that's all for now. I hope you are enjoying your Thursday and in case you're not, hang in there! We've almost made it to the weekend :)