The Return of the Blogger (Again)

So...it has been forever and a day since my last blog post and as you can imagine, a lot has changed.

In the past few months I have journeyed to Japan and back again, had several meltdowns, quit my soul-crushing job and have decided to take a risk and move to southern California. It's pretty amazing how much your life can change in just a few short months. If you remember my last post from September you'll know that my job was causing me a lot of mental (and physical distress). At the beginning of 2016 I was feeling pretty burnt out in my position as a concierge at a high-end retirement home and was ready to look for a new job. However, being a naturally lazy person who also tends to avoid change, I wasn't looking very hard. My employer was 10 minutes away from my house, I had a relatively easy job and everyone seemed to like me. But I was bored. And people with anxiety don't do well with boredom. We will fill that time with thoughts of dread and regret. It's not pretty. However, as I was contemplating leaving my job an opening in a different department opened up. I wasn't necessarily jazzed about this new job but it would be change of pace and I might learn some new skills. If I'd only known then what a mess I was getting myself into.

On my first day in my new position I had a panic attack and knew I'd made a huge mistake. This job wasn't what I'd signed up for and I felt I'd been deceived. Over the course of a few months they completely changed my job description (to save money of course) and I was told that I could either adapt to these changes or I could leave. Around this time I had already bought my plane ticket to Japan and with my anxiety, I can only really handle one big thing at a time so I decided I would tough it out with this job and after my trip I would start looking for a new job and preferably one in California. 

This might not have been the best decision because the proceeding 10 months were some of the most miserable months of my life. Everyday I'd wake up and dread the day ahead of me. Almost everyday was a bad one. And it's so emotionally exhausting having to "be on" 8 hours a day and have to pretend to be happy and cheerful when internally you're screaming. As the months went on my anxiety worsened, my stomach aches returned (which caused me to lose all the weight I was so happy to put on the year before), and my depression intensified. I hadn't been this depressed and anxious in almost 10 years. All of the progress I had made with my mental health seemed to slip right through my fingers. 

This is probably where I should tell you what this job was so you can understand why it was affecting me the way it did. Originally, I signed up for a job in the activities department at the senior home I worked at. I was told that I would be planning fun events and outings for the old folks as well as some administrative work like making flyers and such. This department was also responsible for helping the seniors with technology questions but that was supposedly only a small portion of the job. I was hired for the independent living side with all of the residents that I'd known for years but after I'd already accepted the job I was told I was going to be spending some of my time at the assisted living side too. Some time turned into half of my day everyday. 

I'm a very sensitive person and also a hypochondriac so this was not good news for me. The job at the assisted living side was night and day to the one at the independent side. For 4 hours a day I had to work in a hospital with sick people, many of which had very advanced dementia and it completely broke my heart. I felt like Siddhartha seeing a dying person for the first time. This was all totally new for me and hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't just being in this kind of environment that got to me, it was the fact that I had to entertain a room full of people everyday! For several hours a day, I was the entertainment. As a person with social anxiety disorder, this was a NIGHTMARE. This was a sink or swim situation and I was drowning. I would feel sick to my stomach the moment I woke up in the morning because I knew I had to get up and teach the exercise class or the art class (I never ever wanted to be a teacher). On top of that, I became responsible for having to interview the incoming patients so I had to go into their rooms and every time I worried I was going to catch whatever illness the person had. By the time I would get back to my office at the independent side I would be so drained but I'd have notes, emails and voicemails waiting to be answered. 

I told my boss I was feeling overwhelmed and unhappy in this position and he told me that if I ever needed help, to just ask for it, that we were all a team. A family. This I would soon find not to be true. About one month ago I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life and had to go home sick. It was a major wake up call that I couldn't go on like this much longer. If I continued on this path, I was going to end up in the hospital. A few days after my panic attack I was feeling extremely fragile mentally but tried to act "normal" at work. Someone was having trouble with their computer but it was a Mac and my knowledge of Macs is very limited since I've always been a PC user so I asked my boss if he could help this person. My boss decided this was too much and started spewing all of these cliche buzzwords at me telling me I needed to "step up to the plate" and stop asking for help all the time (I only ask for help when I have no other options). For 30 minutes I pretty much got told I wasn't working hard enough and that I either "step up my game" or transfer to another department. 

After all the misery I'd endured for nearly a year I was being told I wasn't working hard enough! I knew this job was a horrible fit from Day 1 but I tried my best to make it work. For the millionth time I came home in tears and my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him how my boss didn't respect me and told me I needed to work harder. It was then that my dad said something I did not expect. He said, "You have to quit. Tomorrow." I was stunned to hear this coming from the man who had always drilled into me that you never leave a job without another one lined up. He said I couldn't work for this man anymore now that I knew how he really felt about me, and especially when this job A.) hardly paid anything B.) was making me ill. He said life was too short to be so miserable and this was the Universe's way of telling me it was time to leave.

The next day I plucked up my courage and handed in my resignation. And get THIS! The whole time this guy could not hide his elation! He smiled and laughed through the whole thing! It was ludicrous! I don't think I've ever had a boss react so unprofessionally to me resigning from a job. 

As you an imagine, word spread like wildfire that I had quit. For the next few days the seniors stopped me and told me how much I'd meant to them and how my smile always brightened their day. A big part of me had felt like I'd wasted the past 3 1/2 years of my life at this community and that all of my efforts were in vain but the seniors changed my mind. I was important. I did matter. I had made a difference in people's lives at the end of their lives. Everyone wished me well and told me that I was going to succeed in whatever direction I chose to go in. 

So now here I am, 2 weeks later. In about 2 months or so I will be packing my life up once again and moving to California. To be perfectly honest, I'm pretty terrified going out into the unknown again but for some reason this time it feels different. I feel like this time everything is going to be okay. My original plan was to find a job before moving but I've changed my mind and decided to just pack up and leave. It would be too stressful to have to drive back and forth to LA for interviews (if I even got any since most employers don't even look at your resume if they see you're out of state) and have to stay at a motel alone. And this time is different than the other times I've moved because this time I have a lot more saved up so I don't have to feel so desperate to find a job as soon as I get there. I can afford to be picky this time. And this time I'm moving somewhere that I already have friends at, friends who have told me they can't wait for me to get there. 

I hope the Universe has a plan for me and that things will work out this time. I know the next few months will be hard but I'm stronger now and I know myself better than I did 4 years ago. I'm going to try to stop doubting myself so much and have more confidence in myself and my abilities. 

Thank you for reading this and for believing in me. The support of my family and friends has meant so much to me during these troubled times.

In my next post, I'm going to finally write about my trip to Japan before I start to forget everything! See you next time! 

August 2016

I hate writing super negative posts but things have been pretty crummy for me lately and I'm hoping that writing about it might help a bit. I'm not sure why but the Universe has been kicking my butt this summer. My anxiety and depression have been pretty bad the past couple weeks (months) due to all the stress. The main stressor is that I've been having a lot of family drama. About a month ago my mom decided she was going to make my life a living hell and has been horrible to me everyday since. Her mood has been so hostile and she's constantly fighting with me or my dad. It's gotten to the point where I dread going home after work because there's so much tension in my house. I feel like I'm imprisoned in my own home. My dad said I should start looking for new place to live (I had been my mom's caregiver until last year when my dad retired and have been saving up money for the past year) but now I'm not sure which direction I want to go in. My original plan was to move to Scottsdale and buy a small condo but now I don't think I even want to stay in Arizona. I've regretted moving back here for the past 4 years. I don't really feel like anything good has happened since I came back. The only significant thing that's happened is that I've been able to travel and get some stamps in my passport but other than that I've been pretty bored.

I just feel like everyone around me has had their lives change so much in the past 4-5 years while mine has kind of been frozen in time. My friends have gotten married, had babies, bought houses, gotten real grown up jobs, etc but my life hasn't really changed at all. I really haven't had any significant life events and that bothers me. So I think I might've overstayed my welcome here in AZ. I just don't feel like I belong here. But the hard part is figuring out where I do belong and where I could thrive. 

To be honest, I've always wanted to live in California. Yes, I know it's expensive and the traffic is crazy. But I've wanted to live there since I was a little girl. I think just being near Disneyland and the ocean would really improve my quality of life. So after I get back from Japan I'm going to start looking for jobs in California and see if maybe I can get something going over there. I don't want to move without a job lined up again. I've done that twice and both times it was a bad experience. Having to pay rent every month when you have no income coming in is the worst. I usually get so stressed out that I end up taking whatever job I can get and then once you're in that job it's hard to get out and go to interviews without them knowing something is up. Plus, I'll need a job established before anyone will rent an apartment to me. My brother tried moving to LA last year with a couple of his friends and since they didn't have jobs there no one would sign a lease with them. So yeah, I've learned from my past mistakes and hopefully, things will work out better this time.

Another contributor to my lousy disposition lately has been my day job. My job duties have turned out to be completely different than the job I was hired for. I've become one of the million of Americans who hate their jobs and I totally get the whole "I hate Mondays" thing now. But I also think that everything happens for a reason so I guess this is another sign from the Universe that I'm supposed to move on to something else. If everything was perfect here, if I liked my job, had found a partner, and was generally content with my life in AZ I wouldn't be motivated to move. But none of those things have happened so that's a good indicator that I might be better off somewhere else. One thing I do know is that if I move out of state, I'm not going to return to Arizona again and I'm certainly not going to move back in with my family again. Like, ever. 

So yeah, I have a lot of things to think about and important life changes to ponder over the next few months. But maybe that means that 2017 will be better. Maybe that's the year that things will start to turn around. 

To end this post on a more positive note, only 4 more weeks until my trip to Japan. To be honest, that's the only thing I've been looking forward to this summer. I can't wait to see my precious Twinkie-Chan's face again. 

It's going to be pretty pretty pretty good. 

Hot Child in the City

July 2016

Dang, I really suck at this whole blogging thing. As you can imagine, lots of things have happened since my last post. First, I am officially a girl of 32 summers. It's surreal being two years into my 30s...especially since I don't feel 32 and I certainly don't look 32 #blessed. I don't know, I always imagined being a full-blown "adult" by this age but in my heart I still feel 16 if you want to know the truth. I still play video games regularly (but not as often as I'd like),  I have plushies scattered all over my bed, I am madly in love with cartoons and anime, I wear peter pan collars and maryjanes and I still have to cover my eyes when watching scary movies. I guess I'm young at heart or whatever the old people say.

Second, I have managed to not quit/get fired from my "new" job. Two days ago I had my 90 day review (about 30 days late, haha). My boss said that I'm doing a stellar job and that he didn't even have any suggestions for areas I could improve in. I personally would like to get more comfortable setting up AV equipment and helping out at the assisted living building since I have to cover over there pretty often but that's really about it. I don't know how long I'll stay here but I expect to stay at least until the end of the year. I still find it so strange to be so appreciated and well-liked in this job. The residents all know me by name and compliment me daily, even for the smallest tasks. 

Third, Stephanie and I have made progress in our vacation planning. Last month we booked our plane tickets to Japan and last week I booked our Airbnb apartment in Kyoto. This week we're going to book our Tokyo apartment and our Studio Ghibli Museum tour. After that all we really have left to do is buy our Japan Rail Passes and we'll be golden. As of today it's only 87 more days until we depart. I'm verrrrry excited but I will admit that I'm also super nervous. Although I love travelling and seeing the world, I always have a bit of anxiety going somewhere new. My main anxiety symptom is tummy issues and they're never fun to have on vacation. I'm hoping that once I get there that I'll be so excited that I won't focus too much on worrying and things that could possibly go wrong. Also, I'll be travelling with one of my favorite people and someone who loves me. The last international trip I went on turned out to be a disaster and that person turned out not to care about me as much as they claimed to. But I don't think that will happen with Stephanie (if it does I will cry for 1,000 years). 

To be honest, I still can't really believe this is happening. I've been dreaming about visiting Japan since I was 12 years old and now I'm actually going. Annnnnd I'm going with someone who I've admired and looked up to for so so long. It's proof that dreams can come true. And even though I still struggle with anxiety and most likely will for the rest of my life, I'm so proud of myself for having the courage to do the things I want to do despite my anxiety. I've found that the only way to conquer your fears is to face them, feel the fear and then know that you can get through it. 

And speaking of facing your fears...I recently went on a date with someone new AND I'm seeing him again this weekend. For someone with social anxiety disorder, dating is one of, if not THE hardest things to do. Just putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable is so scary! After the first date I got so worked up and had so much adrenaline in my body that by the time I got home I was a HOT MESS. My stomach hurt like crazy, my mind was racing and I could not sleep to save my life. The next day I had pretty much talked myself out of dating for the next 50 years but then I sought counsel from my girlfriends and they were so helpful and supportive. They reminded me how I need to just practice dating and that over time it'll get easier and easier just like anything else. I need to remind myself that it's just hanging out and I don't have to marry the person. I'm just getting to know someone and it's not a huge deal. *takes a deep breath*

So yeah, things have been crazy and busy in the past few months but generally have been pretty good. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your day! 

Xoxo,
Courtney 

The Birthday Approaches

denim dame 

So this is my last week of being 31 years old. Usually I'm super stoked whenever my birthday comes around but this year I'm kind of feeling just ambivalent about it. I've been pretty bummertown on and off for the past couple weeks so maybe that has something to do with it. A lot of stuff has been going on since my last post so I should probably get you caught up on everything. 

Three weeks ago I started my new job at work. I've been a concierge at a retirement home for 2 1/2 years and during that time frame I grew kind of complacent in that position. I learned everything I possibly could and felt ready for a change so when a job opportunity became available in the activities department I applied for a transfer. I'm not gonna lie, the past few weeks were pretty rough and I was really regretting leaving a job that I was good at and comfortable in. My anxiety the first couple days was off the charts (people with anxiety tend to avoid change like the plague) but it's almost been a month and I'm slowly becoming more confident in my new role. All of the seniors have been really supportive and keep telling me that I'm doing a great job and that I'm such a fast learner but since I have a perfectionist personality I've been beating myself up a bit and feeling incompetent. My new boss even told me that I'm doing great but I still have a low level of anxiety every time someone comes in the office or my phone rings. My official title is activities coordinator but we do a bit of everything in this department. I make flyers, schedule meetings and presentations, plan outings/events, set up rooms for lectures and concerts, pick out movies for our movie theaters and help with any technology issues the residents might have. The IT questions are the hardest part of this job tbh and I have small panic attack every time someone calls me with a computer question. I always thought of myself as being pretty proficient with computers but most people have a Mac and I don't really know diddly about Apple Products, minus my Ipad. But I heard that there's an opening for a part time IT position so that'll be a huge relief once that person starts.

work style Courtney 

The same week that I started my new job I went on my first date in many moons. I don't really date anymore since dating is pretty much my biggest phobia but this guy seemed really nice and I figured I needed some dating practice. I first started talking to this guy back in December right after I had my wisdom teeth taken out but he was super eager to hang out even though I told him I was recovering from surgery so I kind of just stopped talking to him since I wasn't really in any state to being going on dates. However, after my SF trip I was feeling pretty good and thought maybe I had been too quick to write this guy off so I texted him and asked him if he was still interested in hanging out (he was). We wound up meeting the day before I started my new job, which turned out to be the worst idea ever since I can't really handle two huge stressors at once. I met him at a coffee shop and the moment I saw him I already knew I wasn't feeling it, on top of that the dude didn't even offer to pay for my $3 coffee when I'd driven a half an hour to meet him (gimme a break). A weird thing about my social anxiety is that sometimes it causes me to talk excessively since I can't stand awkward silences so this date lasted longer than I had intended it to. He enjoyed my stories a lot and was a nice dude but again, I just didn't really feel any romantic chemistry with him. He looked so much like my former roommate too who was kind of a dickhead to me so that didn't help him at all, haha. After the date I started getting bombarded with text messages and that was the final nail in the coffin. I tried telling him that I had social anxiety and was introverted but that didn't really sink in. Most girls would probably love to get texted everyday but unfortunately I'm not one of those women and within a couple days with the combination of this new job and a my phone buzzing all the time, I just couldn't take it and had to tell him I didn't want to hang out again. Luckily, he didn't make a huge deal about it like some of the men I've gone out with so that's a good thing. Some guys get really offended and send nasty replies but this one didn't say anything at all. 

Idk, I feel like when I meet someone who's right for me that I'll just know and I won't have to force anything. I'll feel a thrill when they text me and I'll be excited to see them again. My mother loves telling me that I don't give these guys enough of a chance but I can't fake my emotions and life is too short to spend hanging out with someone you're not really interested in. Sigh...I guess all I can do is keep living my life and hope that eventually the right person will come along. For the most part, I don't really get lonely. I have lots of friends and also lots of hobbies so I don't find myself with tons of free time these days to reflect on the fact that I haven't found my partner. But I'm confident that when and if I do find my mate that they'll be totally worth the wait.

Welp, that's it for now. The next time you hear from me I'll be frikkin' 32 years old! Aye carumba!

Renaissance Festival

 

 This past Sunday I went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time in about 10 years. In about 15 minutes I quickly remembered why I hadn't been to the Renaissance Festival in 10 years, haha. Nonetheless, let me tell you about our day.

 

 

The day started out kind of on the wrong foot when I woke up with a sour stomach. On top of that, I decided to not wear a wig at the last minute so that meant I had to wash and curl my hair which caused me to be late to Jackie's house. We carpooled to Michelle's house and then she drove us from there. We arrived around 11am and it was already pretty warm as we entered the fair. Almost immediately people were shouting things and harassing me (this would continue for the rest of the day). I guess I'd get harassed less in these types of situations if I didn't wear a costume and blended more into the crowd but I really only wanted to go so I could dress up as an elf for the day. All day I had to endure, "HEY YOU, WITH THE EARS!" If you have social anxiety like me, you know how much we hate loud noises and how much we reallllly hate loud noises that are directed at us. So all day I was uncomfortable and wished I could hide from all these obnoxious people. :(

 

We watched two shows that day and the first one was an acrobatics show. There were three performers and they balanced on each other and on buckets and stuff. This show made me verrrry nervous. When people aren't nervous for their own safety, I get anxiety on their behalf. This show lasted about 20-30 minutes and the whole time I'm just waiting for one of them to fall on their face. It was not good times.

 

 

The next show we went to was a comedy show called "Hey Nunny Nunny" which is mostly puns about nuns and Catholicism. I'm not really into "jokes" per se so I was probably the only person there not laughing my buns off. People were seriously howling with laughter while I'm like, "Errrmmm..." Idk, maybe I've become a comedy snob. I have a pretty specific taste in comedy (ie: Larry David, Aziz Ansari, Demetri Martin, The Flight of the Conchords, Louis CK) so most comedy is wasted on me.

 

The best part of the day was sitting in these cool Sky Chairs. They were so comfy and relaxing; if I had a porch to attach one to, I'd totally get one. We just sat and chilled in these chairs for about half an hour and it was sooooo nice to be in the shade with a light breeze on your face. I didn't end up eating anything til after we left the park since I still didn't feel so great and all they had to eat was greasy fried foods (not my jam--I'm kind of a health nut). It didn't help that I'm vegetarian either so I just fasted until about 5pm and was near death. But that was a better option for me than hurling at the Renaissance Festival. The last attraction we saw was the "Living Mermaid" which had the longest line. We had to wait for about 30 mostly unshaded minutes and tbh, it was kind of a let down once we finally got inside (this is the bummerest post ever). On the way home we stopped at one of my favorite restaurants, Chopsticks Express, and I got a giant order of honey tofu (which I scarfed down in the car) just before I dropped dead.

 

So yeah, I think I'm good for another 10 years as far as the Renaissance Festival is concerned. Next week is going to be amazing, though. Next Thursday I'm flying to San Francisco to see my bunny Stephanie (Twinkie-Chan) and also to meet my other bunny, Kelly Anne (TinyTangerines) for a girls weekend. It's going to be the BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

 

 

 

 

Bangkok: Day 6

Siam Ocean World

Saturday morning Michelle and I visited the aquarium and met up with my dear friend, Shong. Shong and I met on Myspace back in 2007 when I was still doing web comics. He was my very first fan of my comic strip "Marksville" and has always been so kind to me so when I decided I was going to visit Bangkok where he lived, I knew that we HAD to meet. Since he worked during the week we met up with him and his partner, Mario, on the weekend. Originally we had planned on going to Safari World but Shong had told us that Safari World was a bit far from the city and we had wanted to go to Chatuchak Market that day too and they closed around 5pm. I'd only been to one other aquarium before, the one in Seattle, so we decided on Siam Ocean World instead since it was right in the downtown.

As many of you know, I suffer from social anxiety disorder so although I was very excited to meet Shong and Mario I was also very nervous. We met them at the mall where the aquarium was located and I gave him a little Mickey Mouse plush since I know that he loves Disney. The aquarium was really cool and we were there for a pretty long time. I think we were there for about 3 hours. My favorites were the river otters and the penguins but we saw a bit of everything including some sharks and a massive manta ray. The place was so huge that it made the Seattle Aquarium look like small potatoes. After the aquarium Shong asked if he could treat us to lunch. Michelle and I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I knew she was hungry so we all agreed to have lunch even though I'm a bit weird about eating with people. I don't talk about it a lot but I've had an anxiety related eating disorder since I was about 15. It has nothing to do with my weight but I have trouble eating with other people sometimes since I carry most of my anxiety in my stomach. I didn't want to tell Shong about this because I really wanted to make a good impression but internally I was freaking out all through lunch. Before I knew it I was feeling really sick :( The thing about social anxiety, though, is that you don't want anyone to know that you're not okay so you keep how you're feeling to yourself to appear more "normal" but then that just makes it worse. I'm pretty sure that if I told people I was having anxiety and feeling ill that they'd be super supportive but part of this disorder is an innate fear of judgment and rejection from others. It's all very complicated and hard to explain if you've never dealt with social anxiety before.

Anyway, so I excused myself to go to the restroom but since it was a shopping mall there were a million people waiting in the restroom and so I bailed thinking I could wait until we got back to the apartment. When I got back everyone was pretty much finished eating and they asked me if I was ready to go the Chatuchak Market place. I didn't want to be a buzzkill and have to announce that I was having a panic attack in the mall so I told everyone I wanted to peek in Forever21 real quick, which was half true. They waited outside and I rushed back down the stairs in search of another bathroom. It turned out there were only 2 bathrooms in the entire mall so I had to walk all the way to the basement. I hate hate HATE using public bathrooms in this situation but my stomach was super upset by this point so I didn't have a choice. I was only gone about 10 minutes but when I came back to Forever 21, my friends were GONE. It was all I could do to stay calm. Michelle and I had agreed that if we ever got separated to meet back at the apartment. I knew how to get back from where I was but I couldn't imagine where they could've gone. So I waited and I waited wondering what I should do. (I'm feeling anxious rn just remembering this scary moment). I kept thinking, "You have one more day of this trip and you managed to get LOST." After about 20 minutes of despair Michelle came out of Forever 21 and was like, "THERE YOU ARE!" Apparently, they'd been waiting inside the store for me the whole time and I'd just managed to walk past them several times without them seeing me or me seeing them. Aiya!

After I'd been found I relaxed a bit and we got on the BTS and headed over to the market. This time I was thankful that the BTS was so freezing because being cold calms me when I'm having anxiety. Watching the funny commercials on the ride over helped a lot too (distraction is very important during panic attacks). By the time we got to the market I was feeling a lot better (my anxious episodes usually time out after an hour or so these days--which is a vast improvement since before they could last several days at a time). I was so glad to have Shong there once we started walking around because the market was pretty overwhelming; there were hundreds of vendors selling just about everything under the sun. I hadn't done any shopping for my friends and family yet so now was my time to really get to business. I bought some more elephant pants, coin purses, a tote bag, handmade journals, candles, and all sorts of other cute stuff. Before I knew it I'd managed to fill two bags full of souvenirs. After we'd gotten our fill of shopping Shong asked us if we wanted to see the pet section of the market. We did.

I wish they'd allowed photography in the pet section because words can't even describe it. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen before. They had every kind of pet you could possibly imagine for sale and THEY WOULDN'T LET YOU PET THEM!!! It was physically painful for me because y'all know how much I love to pet the critters. Before I knew about the no touchy rule I pet the itty bittiest pug puppy and quickly got the smack down. We saw puppies, kittens, bunnies, hedgehogs, mice, rats, hamsters, geese, chickens, sugar gliders, lizards, snakes, frogs, parrots, piggies, squirrels, and even monkeys! It was banaynays! I wanted to just stuff a bunch of puppies in my purse! Tbh, I was really worried we were going to see some dead animals since it was so hot and they were all crammed in these little cages (so sad) but surprisingly we didn't see a single one. Once we'd looked at just about everything there was to look at Shong walked us back to the BTS. Shong was such a dear and is honestly one of the nicest human beings I've ever met. He was so kind and helpful and just cute as can be. I'll never forget his giggle when I told him about my infamous Thai massage. He and Mario would like to visit Disney World someday and Michelle and I agreed to be their tour guide when they make it out to the states.

Minus my anxiety attack, I really had a great day and am so glad I got to meet my friend of so many years. I hope we'll meet again someday soon.

In my next post I'll tell you about our last day in Thailand where we visited Elephant's World. Thanks for reading!

"P" is for Positivity (and Pizza)

I've been pretty bummin' lately with all of the crazy things going on in the world (Gaza, Ferguson, the death of Robin Williams) so I thought I'd do a post centering around all of the positive things in my life. Sound like a good idea?

I thought so too.

So here's a short list of positive aspects of my life and things that make me happy:

*I'm healthy. I am so fortunate to have a healthy body and am so thankful that it takes care of me. A year ago I started exercising regularly after having an injury and it has really helped to strengthen my body and calm my mind. Taking care of your body is super important and you feel so much better physically and mentally when your body is well cared for.

*My family. Of course my family can drive me absolutely crazy at times but I really am lucky to have them (minus the demon brother). My parents are two of the kindest people I know and have been so good to me. They've supported me through every decision (good and bad) that I've been inclined to make and have shown me what it means to love someone unconditionally (even if they are a 30 year old spinster struggling artist babe).

*My best friend and soul mate, Melissa. This girl came into my life 7 years ago (thanks to Myspace) and over the years we've grown from internet buds, to pen pals, to best friends (forever). She is a delightful and beautiful human being and I'm so privileged to have her in my life. Even though we live an ocean apart I feel closer to her than anyone else I know. No matter how crummy I'm feeling she knows just what to say to cheer me up. I wish we lived in the same time zone but hey, you never know, someday we might!

*Dogs. Dogs have brought immeasurable joy into my life. Don't get me wrong, I love cats with all of my heart but dogs give their love so openly and freely and without judgment. Whenever I see a dog I light up like a birthday cake. Dogs seem to be naturally drawn to me and I to them (I like to think of myself as a modern-day Snow White). I loved how easy it was to communicate with all of the dogs I encountered in Europe; they took one look at me and they knew I was a friend. I'm very much looking forward to the day I can get my own dog (or two). I think it's going to be one of the happiest days of my life.

*Art. Even though it has been difficult and the field is extremely competitive, I still believe that my purpose in this life is to make art. There are times where I feel like I've let my parents down by choosing art since I had the grades to pursue whatever career I wanted but none of those paths felt right until I ultimately followed my heart and chose to be an artist. I am a firm believer that people should do what they love regardless of how much money they'll make. Art hasn't made me rich and most likely never will but if you're just making art for the money, then you're in the wrong business. When I am working on a piece I become totally engulfed in the process and work into the late hours of the night often without even realizing it. Nothing else has ever captivated me as much as making art and I'd like to continue to make it for the rest of my life. Another thing I'm grateful for is knowing that my art brings joy to others. Imagine that something that brings you so much happiness is also able to bring happiness to other human beings. It's win-win! My fans are very special to me and have no idea how much I appreciate their support.



As a person who has struggled with depression and anxiety it's all too easy to focus on the negative parts of life. To be honest, Robin Williams death really affected me personally because I know from personal experience how hard it is to hide your true feelings and thoughts from others and conceal your pain. Often times people who have depression are the ones who are making everyone laugh and seem happy on the outside because they don't want people to feel the things they feel. I've made tremendous progress with my anxiety but dealing with depression is still something I struggle with. I've learned that self-love and acceptance are very important, though, and I'm working on finding happiness inside myself instead of seeking it through other people. I'm a work in progress, but we all are, right?

I recommend that you take sometime tonight (or whatever time of day you're reading this) to reflect on the good things and people in your life. And if you are struggling and need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. You are very important and we all deserve love and respect.

Thanks for reading this post and take care, sweet potato!

Love,
Iggy

Two Weeks

As of today, we have hit our two week mark. In exactly  a fortnight (Glob, I love that word) I will be making my first journey across the Atlantic Ocean. It's so dreamy! I think that this trip is going to change my life forever. Not everyone gets to experience a trip like this in their lifetime (my parents have never been anywhere out of North America) and I feel very fortunate. Being from a culture that's only a few centuries old, I'm very excited to get to see places that are so rich with history. It's going to be amazing walking down streets that have been walked upon by people for hundreds of years. It's very romantic to think about.

However, while I'm very excited about all of the amazing things I'm going to get to see and experience I'm also trying very hard to keep my anxiety in check. Sometimes there's a fine line between anxiety and excitement and it can be hard to differentiate the two. But I must give myself props for handling all of this so well. The fact that I'm even going on a trip of this magnitude is HUGE progress for me. Ten years ago (even 5 years ago) I wouldn't have been able to go on this trip. My anxiety disorder kept me on a tight leash and I had so many limitations. In fact, ten years ago I was pretty much housebound, believe it or not. I had so many phobias that my life became pretty isolated and small. I couldn't work and I could barely handle going to school. But with the support and love of many people in my life I began to face all of the things I was afraid of. It's weird thinking about the person I was back then since the person I am today is so different. For many years I had an eating with people phobia and for 5 years I didn't eat out with anyone. I ate all my meals at home because my anxiety was so intense at the time that I was nauseous practically around the clock. Since I felt queasy so often I worried constantly that I was going to throw up (and Glob forbid, throw up in front of PEOPLE). And now I love eating out with friends. It's one of my favorite things to do. But back then I cared so much about what others thought about me that I let it consume me. I would avoid any situations that could result in potential embarrassment. Living this kind of life led to very low self esteem and as you can imagine, very few friends. My future seemed so bleak in those days and I had pretty much renounced any hope of getting over my anxiety. Pretty bummer times, yo.

But as you know, things did get better! During this past decade I learned a lot about Anxiety Disorder and educated myself on it thoroughly. One of the most valuable things I learned about this disorder was that MILLIONS OF PEOPLE have it. It wasn't just me. I wasn't just "crazy" like I believed I was for many years. I was just a negative thinker, a worrier, and very sensitive. Just knowing that I wasn't alone was super beneficial to me. However, once I learned that most of my problems came from how I speak to myself internally, I realized I had the power to heal myself. I heard a quote somewhere in my research, "I am the lock but I am also the key". It's taken years but I've realized how to spot negative thinking patterns and how to stop them and replace them with a positive thought. Through this whole process I've become a very positive person and it's funny how now everyone comes to me when they're feeling down and need cheering up. But the most important thing I learned about phobias is that you HAVE to face them. If you don't you give them power and that power can quickly take over your life (and peace of mind). It's very scary but you have to force yourself to do the things that frighten you. It's best to take things slowly and do baby steps but by doing the things that you're afraid of you'll realize that you're not going to die and it's not the end of the world. You have to give yourself praise for any steps in the right direction. We all need to learn how to be our own best friend and love ourselves unconditionally.

When I was about 25 years old I made a decision (one of the best decisions I've ever made) and it was to stop being who I thought other people wanted me to be and to just be myself; to 100% embrace who I am and love that person completely. I've always been different and kind of "weird" and for most of my life I suppressed those parts of myself and was very unhappy as a result. But once I started being myself and not caring if people liked me or not, something funny happened. People liked me! Everyone at university wanted to be my friend; I was my professor's favorite student. I finally set the real me free and I have no regrets.

I still have my bad days though, I'm only human. I've accomplished so much with my battle against anxiety disorder but I'll never be "cured" or anything. I just learned how to deal with anxious feeling when they arise. But I've never travelled for this long without my family or in another country so some amount of anxiety is bound to happen. I'm going to try not to think about that though. I'm trying reallllly hard just to focus on all of the fun we're going to have. I know this trip won't be perfect and there will be bumps on the road but we're going to leave with so many memories. I simply cannot wait!

Wish my luck! And thank you for reading this little blog and sharing these experiences with me.

Xoxo,
Courtney

A is for Anxiety

Since my last post life has been a little...hectic. I was hoping that the Universe would give me a bit of a break since last year was such a stress-inducing time for me but 2013 seems to be following suit.

For the past month and a half I've been busily looking for employment. I've been to a few interviews but haven't really found anything I'd want to do long term. One job I applied for sounded promising but they didn't offer health care "at this time" so I had to turn it down. As a life-long hypochondriac a good health insurance plan is indispensable when seeking a potential employer. It's scary to think that I've been without health coverage for 5 years now. Talk about playing with fire. Luckily, I've been relatively healthy up to this point...but lately I haven't been feeling too good. Since I came home from Florida I've been feeling weird. I don't know if it's just stress or if there actually is something wrong with me. Being a person who suffers from Anxiety Disorder it's often hard to tell. Anxiety can cause so many physical symptoms that it's difficult to differentiate between a "real" symptom and an anxiety related one. In case you're curious about the plethura of body symptoms that anxiety can cause, here's a short list:

-chest discomfort/tightness
-heart palpitations
-dizziness
-tingling in hands/limbs
-numbness in hands/limbs
-headaches
-diarrhea
-jaw pain
-disorientation/confusion
-hyperventilation
-nausea
-muscle tension
-body aches/pains
-trembling
-fatigue
-feelings of unreality
-depression

I've struggled with anxiety for most of my life and have experienced all of these symptoms at some point. It's not fun and overcoming this disorder is a life long battle. In the past decade I've made tremendous progress but sadly, you don't ever get cured from this condition. A lot of it is biological and runs in families but it can be intensified by one's environment. My great grandmother had it, my grandmother, my mother and then me. That's a big reason I don't want to have any children; I don't want this to be passed onto my child. Even if I was to adopt, my neurotic-ism is bound to be picked up by my child. Honestly, I wouldn't wish this disorder on anyone. Life is hard enough. 

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'll get back on topic now. So before my trip to Florida I met someone new. It wasn't an ideal situation but I've been trying to live more in the moment this year and not living too far in the future. It's been a long time since I've been in a real relationship and this person seemed really special. The last time I started a new relationship I had to go on Paxil and almost lost my damn mind so you can imagine that the thought of another relationship could cause me to freak out a little bit. On top of that, I had two interviews for a really great job opportunity. If I were to get this job I would be able to be financially independent, I'd have health coverage from day one, and I'd be able to get my own apartment. So there's a lot of pressure over this job on my shoulders right now. Both of these things on their own would be enough to cause a panic attack but together they are an unstoppable team of anxiety inducing chemicals! Oh, and I forgot to add the icing to this stress cake! After my first date with this potential suitor my mom has another SEIZURE! I had just come home from having a great time to having to call 911 and follow an ambulance to the the emergency room. Good times! Since then I've been on constant alert wondering if my mom is going to keel over. 

This past week I went to my in person interview. I had prepped for this interview like a madwoman and when I got there they didn't ask me a SINGLE question I'd prepared for! I felt like I did okay despite having to make up examples on the spot but after the interview they said it was a pleasure meeting me and thanked me for coming in. I was hoping they'd give me a time frame of when they'd make their decision but no such luck. Two days after my interview things came to a screeching halt with new romantic interest. Although I knew from the start that this relationship had no long term potential I was still majorly disappointed. It's rare for me to even entertain the possibility of letting someone new into my heart these days and then for it to fall apart so quickly... Anyway, so back to me feeling weird. I was hoping that since one of the stressors had been removed that I would start feeling better but unfortunately, the vertigo I've been feeling for the past 2 weeks has only intensified. My head feels like it's spinning and since it's a symptom I haven't encountered in my long term experience with anxiety it has me a little freaked out. It's kind of a vicious cycle, really. Your brain causes these physical symptoms in response to the stressful event you're experiencing but people who suffer from A.D. become so concerned with these physical symptoms that they completely disregard whatever the initial stressor was and focus entirely on their physical health. It's counterproductive if you ask me and I wish my brain would realize this. 

What's bothering me the most is the fact that I can't even go to a doctor to get checked out. It would ease my mind so much to be able to go to the doctor and get a physical exam. It's so crazy to live in a country where you can't even go to the doctor when you're sick unless you have insurance. It should be a basic human right to have access to health care. What if I DO have a brain tumor or something and didn't get checked out until it was too late? If that happens, America, it is your FAULT.

Hopefully, I don't have a brain tumor but as a hypochondriac, whenever I feel any kind of discomfort my mind immediately thinks it's cancer. Seriously, every time. 

Well, I'll let you know if I get this job and I'll keep you updated on my hypothetical tumor.

Take her easy!

Your neurotic friend,

Courtney
  

Bye Bye Birdie

Welp, only one more week until I leave for Seattle. And to be honest, I'm freaking out. Like, REALLY freaking out. I just can't believe it's here already. I know I've been planning on this move for years but the time just went by so fast. Being a Taurus, change has always been pretty difficult for me and even though I know I don't want to stay in Phoenix, all of this change is causing a wee bit of a meltdown. 

In the past three years I've met so many amazing people and it's scary to know that soon I'll have to essentially start from scratch and meet all new people. I am looking forward to making new friends but at the same time I'm going to miss everyone back home so much. The friends I have in AZ are like family to me and it's going to be weird not to see them all the time anymore. However, I know that all of them will always be in my life. And I'll still see them, just not as often as I'm used to. It's going to be rough being so far away from my fam as well. My family has been a major source of drama in my life but I adore them (minus my brother). When I moved to Oregon my mom and dad called me EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. They had to always know where I was, what I was doing, etc. It was pretty intense but it showed me how much they cared about me. I hope they won't be as crazy this time since I'm nearly 30 years old now but I know I'll be lonely for the first few months so it'll be nice to have them to talk to on the phone. 

For a while I was worried that I wasn't going to get to Seattle this summer at all. It was kind of up in the air for a while because I had a really difficult time finding a roommate. I must have emailed dozens of people in the past month. Just when I thought I'd found the perfect room the person would find someone else to fill it or they'd turn out to be a weirdo and I'd have to back out. It got down to 2 weeks before my tentative moving day before I found a place. I know, cuttin' it pretty close. I'll be living in a 2 bedroom apartment in the U-District with a lady roommate (and one kitty cat). It's funny because after all of my searching and worrying and freaking out, the room I found was EXACTLY what I wanted from the beginning. My original plan was to live in a 2 bedroom apartment in the U-District with a girl roommate (preferably someone bookish) and that's just what I found. The place is tiny but it's affordable and centrally located. If I get a job at the university I'll be able to walk to work too! It's all very exciting but simultaneously anxiety inducing. 

I hope it won't take me too long to find a job. In Portland it took me 3 months to find employment and I had to go back to hospitality which I swore I'd never do again. But that was  back when the economy was really bad and jobs were scarce. And I have a degree now so I think that'll help a lot. It would be nice to find a job that I actually enjoyed doing. I get so jealous when people brag about how much they loooooove their job. I've yet to have a job that I love (other than art). I've had jobs where I enjoy the people that I work with (or most of the people that I work with) but I've never had a job where I actually loved what I did. That's probably due to the fact that I've only worked in customer service and I don't really care for John Q. Public. I'm more task-oriented. Just give me a job or project to do and watch me go. However, if you ask me to sell something or schmooze the public, watch how awkward I can get! 

Oh, I almost forgot! ART NEWS! Lately business has been boomin' in my Esty shop! I don't know what happened but this past month I've been having tons of sales. I think I sold 10 pieces this month, one being an original illustration. It's so motivating for an artist to sell a piece. I just want to work on new projects all day. Just thinking about crafting causes a surge of excitement. Here's a look at some of my most recent work.

Appa Hoop

6 inches

fabric, felt and embroidery floss

Drifblim Hoop

6 inches

fabric, felt and embroidery floss

Makar with Violin Hoop

6 inches

fabric, felt and embroidery floss

Togepi Hoop

6 inches

fabric, felt, glass beads and embroidery floss

Once I get settled in Seattle I'd like to start a new drawing. I'm thinking I might do a self-portrait. I don't think I've done one in a year. I'm overdue. I'd also like to start writing again for my comic strip. It's been on hiatus for a year while I've been focusing on my illustration and fibers work. I miss my comic very much. 

Despite all of my worrying , I am looking forward to this summer. There's going to be SOOO much to do in Seattle during the summer months. It's going to be great. It'll all be new to me too so I can do all of the corny touristy stuff. I can't wait to see the ocean, the aquarium, the tulip fields, the library, the space needle, the university, the rain forest...everything. It's going to be an adventure!

Next time you hear from me I'll be in my new home in the Pacific Northwest. Wish me luck!

Laters!

School of Hard Knocks

On August 19th I will be starting my fourth and second to last semester at ASU. Going back to college after a three year absence has been a bit of a challenge but I think it's been really good for me as well. Ever since I dropped out of college in 2006 (I preferred to call it "taking a break" at the time) it's been bothering me...haunting me even. My whole educational career I was a straight A student, well, there were a few Bs in there, who dreamed of going to presitgious schools in far away cities but when I got to high school I developed almost crippling anxiety and all of my hopes of going to an ivy league school went out the window. By my senior year of high school even the thought of driving to Tempe everyday to ASU so frightening to me that I ended up at community college instead. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason though and if I hadn't gone to community college I never would have met my first love. Even though this love didn't turn out the way I had hoped it would (at the time) I'm still glad that I met that person because he helped me overcome a lot of my phobias and insecurities. My life did get a little topsy-turvy when this relationship came to an end but I think that now I'm (finally) back on track. In the past few years I've realized that I don't need anyone to take care of me and that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself. I'm still hopeful that love will find me again in the future but for now I'm trying to learn how to be happy on my own. Of course I do have many incredible people in my life that love and support me so I'm never really alone.

When I made the decision to go back to school I also made a goal for myself that I would maintain a 4.0 GPA throughout the rest of my education and so far I've achieved that goal. Before I went back to school I was having some confidence issues both in my general intelligence and as an artist but since I've returned to school I've regained a lot of that lost confidence. And it's funny that even though I'm naturally a shy person, a wall-flower even, I've managed to become a favorite of all of my professors. I can't really explain why but they've all taken a shine to me. I'm most certainly not the most talented artist in my drawing classes but in the past few semesters I think I've definitely developed my own personal style (other than my comics ) and I'm very proud of that. During critiques my classmates can instantly identify which pieces are mine and that makes me happy. I might be a little O.C.D. when it comes to my drawings (each one takes about 9-15 hours) but I've always been a very meticulous person and I think the little details are very important in my art. So even if a professor doesn't like my piece they can never say that it was because it was half-assed or that I didn't put enough time into it.

When I first moved back to Phoenix from Portland (I moved out of my parents house in spring of 2008 to Portland, OR and lived there for 6 months--and yes, I am a bit of a late bloomer as far as moving out goes) I thought that 2 1/2 years of schooling seemed like forever but in actuality it's FLOWN by. I'm even kind of sad that I didn't get to take all of the classes I wanted to take. I would've liked to have taken a painting class, graphic design, printmaking, photography and many many more art history classes but now I've almost run out of time. And since I'm a senior, my last two semesters have already been planned out so I know exactly what classes I'll be taking this last year of college.

So before I wrap this up I'd like to post a few of my favorite drawings I've done thus far:

                                                                          Birds #1

charcoal on paper

Birds #2

charcoal on paper

Octo-gumball

charcoal on paper

Buddhist Culture Series

chacoal on paper

Coral Reef Series

charcoal on paper

*I'm pretty lazy about photographing my work but I'll gradually post more drawings, both old and new, later on.