Frank "Grimey" Grimes

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what's really important to me and makes me happy in my life (and we all know that life is short; you never know how much time you'll have here and even if you live a long life, it's never enough time). Yeah...a lot of heavy thinking going on recently. But when I really asked myself what gives me the most joy in my life, the answer was crystal clear: making art. I've been putting so much energy into finding a job that I wouldn't even care about. I don't want to answer phones for the rest of my life. I'm sick of lying at interviews and spouting tripe like, "Oh, I loooooove working with people! And doing menial clerical work is my favorite!" 

I cringe doing public service work and couldn't possibly care less about the success of these companies. What I do care about is making art that makes people feel things and ultimately makes people happy. It brings me joy knowing that the art I'm making is bringing joy to others. And the fact that I haven't made any new drawings in the past year makes me very sad. I have a degree in drawing and I quit drawing only a year out of school because I was in such a big hurry to get a better job, an apartment, a husband...all of those things that society thinks I'm "supposed" to have. But in the long run, would that higher paying job and tiny little apartment bring me happiness? Shouldn't the happiness be coming from inside me and not from outside sources? Finding a partner to share my life with is still something that I want very much but maybe the reason why I haven't found him yet is because I need to find myself first. I need to figure out how to be truly happy on my own before I find someone to share that happiness with. Or maybe I'm just doomed to be alone...I don't know! :p

I talked to a good friend about my conundrum and he offered some really sage-like advice. I told him how I often compare myself to others and by doing so, I often feel like I'm not measuring up to the success of others. He told me we're all on our own paths and never to compare myself to anyone else or "timelines" set by society. He also said that I'll figure out what I want to do with my life simply because I want to and, "You never know what will happen or when, you just need to make sure you are at least allowing those situations to appear." 

So now we're at the point of this story where I've made my decision. I've decided (for now) to go back to my part-time job and spend the rest of my time really concentrating on my art. My old job didn't pay very well but I don't have a lot of bills and am generally a pretty thrifty lady. What's more important to me right now than having a lot of money is TIME. Art takes time to create and if I were to take a 40 hour a week job right now I know for a fact that I wouldn't feel like making anything when I got home. I'd probably still have time to make the occasional embroidery but I know I wouldn't make any fine art. And if people want to judge me for living at home, that's their problem, not mine. At least I have parents who love me and support me. When I told my dad about my plan he said, "That sounds like a great idea! You need to do whatever it is that makes YOU happy, Courtney." 

I know there's no guarantee that my art will be super successful but you can't win if you don't try, right? And if making art makes me happy, then that's a success. But I still believe that I have something special to offer with my artwork and that it has potential to get even better. I just need to practice more and work more on marketing my work. And I'm also going to work on not expecting so much out of life. My expectations of myself have been ridiculously high in the past and that only leads to disappointment. I'm going to work on being more kind and compassionate towards myself. I heard someone say once, "We're all worthy of our own unconditional love" and I think it's about time I really start treating myself the way I treat everyone else. Because I'm worth it ;)